Detached from What?

Insomnia. I’ve had two days of it (this bad), but my life is deplorably overwhelming in catastrophic ways and finding new ways to handle what I really don’t want to, well (as I scratch my head) it’s difficult. DIFFICULT! I told someone I know that my life at present feels like I’m in the center of a blackhole being pulled down, I can see my way out, but I just can’t manage to get out. Every conceivable thing I can do I am doing but I was told my expectations are bigger than what time will allow. I don’t do slow, I can’t – I won’t. If it kills me to do what I must, then it will kill me, but I cannot drag things out under any circumstances or let anything drag out it will overwhelm me in ways that I just cannot do.

I’m so sick of how hard life is in general at the present moment to the tenth power. I’m so sick of getting the short end of the stick, with the broken end, WTH.  I’m done with it. Problem is life just isn’t done giving it to me and it infuriates me because I am strong enough, I’m still living!!!  Hello karma did you hear that?  It was a good day. However I’m guessing the lack of sleep from the days of insomnia made my feelings come forth and be felt in (sharp tipped) spades – can you say panic attack. We’ll it never came on, it was just too close and I didn’t like it.  I somehow managed to relax myself enough to control the feelings and prevent them from getting stronger and firing off into a full blown actual panic attack.  But for the good portion of the morning I could feel residuals of the feelings that were the original catalyst to bring me close.   I’m going to keep track of potential times this could happen to ensure I can prevent them should feelings arise again.  I say again because I have been working hard to not let my feeling get out of control over what I cannot control.

Seems to me, most of my life as of recent I have had no control over, so I need to get used to these type of life setups especially because they always happen,  It’s just when it becomes overwhelmingly bad do we notice.  I don’t know if you know, but our life really is a façade of control that we don’t have, but we believe we have.  The only thing one can control in life is how they feel, think, and react, that where our only power is.

I need to find a different way of coping with what I am going through, because if you hadn’t noticed what I had been doing was not  helpful and was not working, causing me to struggling more.  I’m tired of struggling in so many ways and if I can get one of the ways I handle the truck load to change it will help lighten my load and I can start to work and focus on being healthy.

Speaking of healthy,  I worked hard to find things that made my content today.  My job is a great place to work at on so many fronts.  The students and the staff I work with, the teacher, and everyone else in the school is so kind and I love to be surrounded by them.  The morning sky seemed lighter than normal, I was told their wasn’t as much cloud cover, but all I cared about is that is was brighter out.  The day went fast, even considering the potential of a panic attack.  But it didn’t happen which makes it great!!  I filled up my gas tank and was surprised to see how inexpensive it was in comparison to how it has been.  That made me happy.

I think I will be able to sleep tonight.  I’m tired.  Fingers crossed.  Ill have to let you know tomorrow!!  Off to bed.

As yes I know this blog has an odd feel to it, almost detached  feeling, at least that’s my take on it,

 

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In my Heart

I cannot sleep. I have been trying to will sleep to come, but the tired feeling where you drift off is just out of reach. I feel the yawns come on but I am wired. Sigh.

Looking for solutions. I posted a long blog post the other day trying to let go, have been listening to dharma talks, meditating, working on my Etsy site, and rehashing over what my two daughters were opening up to me about. I know I need to pull myself together for them. I see the pain they are in over what they also have suffered, in addition to seeing me suffer and enduring what I did and what I am now going through.

I wish that I could give them the peace of mind and security they need more than ever now. The safe haven of home to depend on and feel secure about, but all I can give them is my love and let them know I will do anything for them. I see the pain and loss they have endured over the years and now having lost their sister and me my daughter.

I have been spiraling out of control having to deal with way too much as of late. But right now at this minute I feel more centered and like I can succeed. I read a post that said “you are not the center of the universe”. No I am not, but I feel as if my pain is making me a blackhole. Not a good feeling at all. I don’t want to feel this way on any level but what does one do when options don’t feel like options? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been one to sit idly by or ignoring what is, I look for solutions. However,while I look for solutions I also become pessimistic,scramble and scurry frantically trying to handle the uncertainty. Not a great coping mechanism I realize, but one undoubtedly that has served its need, albeit poorly.

I might feel incompetent but that doesn’t mean I am. I know I am not I’m just too used to second guessing myself and filling my mind with doubts. We go back to what we know, even if it isn’t healthy behavior. For now, this moment I have pulled myself out.

Seeing my eldest daughter on thanksgiving and spending it with her extended family was nice. She has grown into a lovely woman, but hearing her pain and seeing how strong she has been for me, made me realize I was only thinking of how I experienced the loss we all suffered. I realize that more than ever now.

My middle daughter reached out to me and told me she loved me, and talk for me fo quite some time. She used such a percussive tone when talking to me and made me feel so much better. More centered. I love them so very much. The middle daughter is a realist and lets me know I cannot control certain things and I need to live in the moment, because what is, is. What I can control then ok! Love you!

I have way to much I cannot control and looking for answers won’t help me find them or change what has happened. Only I can change my outcome, and I need to find my purpose.

I’m working on finding it. Love that’s what we all need. It is what helps us when night are heavy and days are meaningless. Love helps us find meaning. Love me. I love me.

Love.❤️

Little O’l Me…

I am struggling if you hadn’t noticed.  I no longer have a family unit, my two daughters are missing having a place to call home, we all are, and I don’t know when things will turn around for me, for all of us.  I am very close to my two girls who support and love me, but it is really hard on all three of us, especially considering this is not what any of us expected out of life. You don’t go into marriage saying I’ll be divorced in 25 years.

I left after I had enough and while it was a good thing I ended the marriage, the aftermath certainly wasn’t good by any means.  During the course of our marriage I was quiet about what went on only telling a few what really was happening.  For so long I suffered in silence and felt empowered when I told the world how it really was for me and the kids, but the truth is I shouldn’t have aired my dirty laundry on any social media.  Perhaps if I hadn’t my ex wouldn’t have used my words against me, and against me he did.

I know so many of you are sick to death hearing about my woes, but the fact remains, I am struggling having no family that supports me, and having my daughter taken.  She hates me and believes I was an awful mother, and whether I like it or not, that is her reality.  The reality I and my other two daughters have is a far different reality than hers, but the fact remains she is no longer in my life and probably won’t be again.  Part of the reason I keep, (for lack of a better term), complaining, is I am trying to wish it to change.  We know that doesn’t not happen.  I was and am a good mother.  I am not abusive but I have hit my kids.  For that matter so has my ex husband, his mother and my father.  But when you are out for vengeance you will use what ever you can to gain control, and that is what he did.

He has always been coy and underestimated while I have always been the underdog when it comes to dealing with him. Why do I keep talking about this, over and over?  I don’t know how to move on when I have literally nothing.  I knew it would be hard when I divorced, I was ready for that, but I never imagined my ex would be so mean and hateful, that my father would see nothing wrong with talking to him, making my ex think he is not supporting me.  My father supports me, but hates conflict even though he causes it by his actions.

I am trying to carve out a new future for myself and am told I need to be thankful for what I have.  I don’t have the things we all want as we age.  I have two children who love and support me, friends that love me, a dog, my dog who is amazing, and my wonderful job.  What I don’t have, and it clouds my sight and robs me of feeling blessed, is no family support, no home, (I don’t make enough to have my own place), plus the ex is taking me to court to pay him child support.

I have always been honest and open and think that should mean something in life, but it doesn’t.  It is hard, I am a good person and just didn’t want to be with the person who did not treat me like you should treat someone you are married to and say you love.  Heck you shouldn’t treat any person like I was treated.  I am sick of feeling how I feel, of knowing nothing is changing for me right now.  I work hard, I am dependable, kind and loyal, but I didn’t think much of myself for so long, and took what I though was the easy way out, I married thinking I would beat the odds.  Only way that happens is if both of you are working for the same things.

Now I think more of myself than I ever have, that’s why I left my ex, what I didn’t count on was that my father was just like the ex, (or the ex was just like my dad).  So because there is a restraining order against me, and my ex keeps bringing my daughter to my fathers house to get stuff, (where I lived), I had to move out for this and other reasons.  You see he cannot violate his own restraining order, so if she and he showed up when I was there I would get arrested. It makes me sick how biased the law is, and how little loopholes my ex can circumvent and work around he does.  I can honestly say I wish I had never met him.

So positive things in my life:  my job, I love the kids I work with, that alone has built up my self esteem.  I (finally) got up the nerve and opened an Etsy site to sell my knitted and crocheted items. Fingers crossed I do well!  I have some great friends, (who are sick of hearing about how terrible my life is), a wonderful church who supports me and two wonderful daughters who I talk to often and am thankful for their love.  I have come to learn I love to write and am thankful for this blog.  But the fact remains my life is covered with darkness and I am having a hard time finding my way out.  I know there are good things in my life, but the heaviness of what I don’t have makes it hard to see if there is indeed a big picture.  The only picture I see is from the inside of a deep dank hole looking up.  I am doing all I can to overcome this, but it feels so big, bigger than me and often more than I can handle.

I question all the time if I am meant for anything better in my life, especially when it feels so out of control, like it has for as long as it has.  I question my worth, what being kind and nice does for me, and if it matters at all. I question my part in the divorce and how I could have improved how things turned out.  I question why for so long I allowed people close to me to tell me who I was for as long as I did. I question and question and question yet the answers will never come, not like I want.

I am working hard to improve my situation and life in general, even if it doesn’t sound like it.  I am taking what little I have left by the horns and plowing forward.  However I can see why when people are faced with what I have had to face and continue to meet head on, how and why they feel so along and discouraged.  People don’t like or want to deal with negativity, unless of course there is a spin of humor on it or if they mourn their loss, saying they should have done. I get I’m sorry,  but…  This is my life and even I don’t like where it is, but I am not sitting on my ass.  If you talk to me I come across as happy, and don’t seem depressed in the conventional sense of the word, and I am not.  But I am battling for my life to improve and to mean something, I want to feel valued, cared for, loved, and have security even if it is all an allusion, (until I can get on my feet).

I am an average person, I have no great talents, but I have things I do well. However, I don’t think they are something that makes me stand out, even if I would like it if they did.  I struggled for a long time trying to find out who I was, because I had a judgmental upbringing and marriage.  I questioned myself and who I was based on others lack of self esteem.  I do not question myself as much now, but some of those traits still take over and I doubt and I have to tell myself, “that is their projection of who they are”.  I guess what I am asking for and hope you see, is how hard it is to see what others do in me.  How hard it is to see that bigger picture with me in it.  How hard it is to know it will get better and how alone I feel right now.  I am working hard, so hard, and I just need a break.  I, along with my family, all of them need this to stop, need it to stop.  Enough!!

If I sound desperate, I am.  I am tired of all the garbage life has given me.  The way my daughters are torn apart, how hard it is for them.  As I have said before, the divorce isn’t the hard part, at least not for me it wasn’t, it has been the aftermath.  I sit here and wonder, when will it change, if it will ever change, and if it does will it (hopefully) be for the better.  The weight of the world is on my shoulders, but deep love is in my heart.  I take nothing for granted.

On that note, I’d like to ask for you prayers, and good thoughts, for me, my adult and almost adult children.  Somehow it need to get better.  It just has to.

Thank you.

Thanks for Riley

It seems all I have right now are the unhealthy thoughts that fill my mind and what I have to work on moving past. Recently divorced, I find it wasn’t the divorce that was hard to go through but the way my ex chose to behaved and the after math when the divorce was finished. I tried hard to be fair and work with him during the process, even starting out with a mediator, but even back then he was cut throat and filled with hostility. I diligently separate my feelings from the process and stood by my word doing as much as I could to be fair and amicable.

The history, our history was there and he wasn’t having it. Now because of actions he took in retaliation against me I am again left with the aftermath of his actions to mull through. My feelings have never mattered to him nor does he hold any accountability for his behaviors. The disingenuous way he aggressively attacks is clearly visible on his face and seen in the actions he takes. Knowing him as I do I can pick up on and I notice the distinct unsettling look of vengeance mixed with hatred he has for anyone he feels crosses him and often it was me he felt that way about. Never mind if his actions cause the events to unfold, he would not be held accountable. He has always felt he was entitled and should “get” whatever he wanted and would often brag about his intelligence and his IQ, but really it is how we treat other and use our skills that matter most.

I was talking to a friend about how I feel about the fact someone like him seems to get away with and has no remorse for what he does. I made it clear to her I do not have any feelings of love for him and if I could get him out of my life, I would be able to deal with all this so much more easily. The fact is there is no accountability or any remorse for what he does. It is always someone else’s fault for the things that happen in his life or why he did what he did. I’m angry that this man (which as mean as it sounds I have never classed him as one) has the most obscene childish behavior when he doesn’t get his way or what he wants. Having studied psychology a bit and having learned a few things, it is apparent he acts like a little boy trying to get his way from his mother, and he would often put me in that role. This divorce was the best thing I could have done and it was the right thing. However that being said I would have never gotten divorced if he had put as much energy in our marriage as he did in his need to get his way and the other unhealthy ways he chose to act.

I had hoped the divorce would have caused him to have some sort of realization about himself and caused him some suffering for the things he did and still continues to do to me. Why, because it would me he had feelings and was remorseful and accountable for what he did. But all I know he still wants me to suffer, he spends too much time reading my blog and devising ways to hurt me. How do I know? He has used my blog against me and quoted it. He has always fed on drama and would create it because he needed the rush it gave. I’m not so sure how he is fairing now maybe his girlfriend finally sees him for who he is or maybe he has developed human traits of kindness. However he is extremely coy and good at deception and people think he is just an average nice guy, or so he makes you believe until you get past his outer exterior.

The many people over the years I tried to get to be his friends disliked him and were uncomfortable in his presence and never contacted him again. He blamed me. Of course I found out they didn’t like him and got the hair standing on the back of the neck feeling but I didn’t find this out until I was divorcing. I wish those people would have told me sooner, but I know they didn’t want to get in the middle of our marriage and contrary to his beliefs I didn’t say how awful he was to me. Had I known earlier how those people felt about him I would have felt so much better about myself because he would tell me people didn’t like me.

I’ve been writing about this and my feelings over this and my process for some time now, recently even more. I now realize I have been doing so because I am trying to find out the “why” of why I have all these negative feelings for him on such a deeply seeded level now more than ever. I now have my answer. The lack of accountability on his part and the way he seems to have had no setbacks or suffering and yes that he is doing we’ll bother me. He hooked up with a needy woman who was willing to not see his faults because she was so desperate to find love she settled for him. But still it is hard to see a person who feeds off of others and uses distraction and using people to get ahead. No life is not fair but sometimes the travesty of it all ways on me.

Please do not assume I think I was perfect in my marriage, I wasn’t. But I was honest, I worked to communicate and express myself, I was faithful and was willing to do what it took to have a good marriage. Marriage definitely is work, hard work,but well worth it.

I write this on one of my beloved of holidays, Thanksgiving. I had so many ideals of these holidays and family and truth be told it never happened the way I wanted it to be. Storybook. Lol. I wish today more than ever I could feel the way I did with my daughters on this day, they all wanted to cook with me and the love they gave, I miss it.

You always have something to be thankful for. That might be true, but this year I have a long overwhelming list of things that make it hard to feel thankful for what I do have. The piecemeal way my life is right now and how much I am suffering on so many fronts, well… let’s just say my life sucks and has almost no worth. I see the top of the stairs off in the distance and wonder how I got at the bottom. Each step I take seems to make the top further and further away. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in a good secure place in life and I long for it. But at some point you start to feel like letting go. It seems when you are down people shy away from wanting to help and tell you sorry. To the people I though I mattered to the sad fact is I don’t. Sigh. And those stairs up, they keep getting further and further away no matter how many I climb.

It would be so nice to say my life’s woes are the fault of gremlins. That my life is improving and I have people willing to help me in ways that really could help me. The depressing fact is it is a bunch of doors closing in my face. To be clear I am not sitting around waiting for someone to save me, even if it would be nice. I am doing, and taking steps to better myself but the sad truth is it is painstakingly s-l-o-w and there isn’t all that much help.

Focus on what I have. Two daughters that love me, a desire to perceiver, I write on here, I opened an Etsy store, my dog Riley whom I visit often live me and I love him, a job I love and a car that runs and friends who have not left me when I am down.

I’m not as happy as I’d like to be, I’m content at this very moment, and everything I should be doing to help myself I am. Only time will tell it it pays off and my life improves or if I get swallowed up by death and forgotten about. Yes it was said pretty grimly and if you knew more about what I’m experiencing you would understand where I am coming from. I am not depressed I’m realistic and I know how harsh the world is. I’ve experience it too often and am in the throws of it now.

On another note, years ago I had a Shih Tzu I named Gizmo. He looked like the character from the move Gremlins. I loved that dog so much. When he passed away prematurely my oldest daughter paid for a dog my ex husband brought home for Christmas. He is the same kind of dog with the same colorings. Riley Nibbles never replaced Gizmo, or Ooshima as I’d call him, but he has been my saving grace through all of this, I am thankful to Lauren for paying for him so her father could bring him home for me to love and help me survive.

Please think of those in need and not just at the holidays. We are your friends, people you see in the store, coworkers, your average janes/johns and we are all around you.

Thanks.

The Ship has Sailed

How do you write about something you do not feel? I woke from a dream this morning, dreaming of seeing my ex and being angry and filled with hatred at him for having any happiness. Angry at the woman he is with for not seeing who he really is and allowing him to get away with his lies. I told him how stupid she was and dumb for being with him. I thought about the dream, looked up the definition of mercy and wondered how I would ever get to a place I could have mercy.

I was with this person for 25 years and dealt with so much. I feel the betrayal, the pain at being lied to, cheated on and the plethora of other things he has done to me over the years, over and over again. Yes I could have left long ago, but I truly believed he wanted what I did because he said so. I look back at all the pain I suffered because of the things he did and how he behaved. And at the end had the final plot twist not happened I’m sure I would have been in a much better place to show mercy, well start the process.

I know I need to get to a place I can forgive him, but I don’t know how with everything he has done to me over the years. As I think about it I start to get teary-eyed because of the deep hurt I feel and how I was devalued over and over. How does someone so awful deserve any happiness? I know this is wrong to think and feel and at some point I need to let go of my emotional baggage and move on, but I gave this man so much of who I was and in essence allowed him to do what he did to me. It took me a long time to gain enough insight and strength to leave him way too long.

One day we were meeting with his bankruptcy lawyer (he was unable to hold jobs and loved to spend) and I blurted out, do I have to file with him if I have good credit? “No” I was told. Then I said, “well I don’t know if I want to be married to him anymore.” I was in utter shock and disbelief in what had come out of my mouth. I realized I had come to the end of what I could deal with and was willing to deal with. But how do I forgive and come to terms with everything he has done? I don’t believe he had no idea what he was doing or has done. He is a master at manipulation and to be that good you have to work at it.

I do not love him, I do not regret leaving him or giving up what I have, but I do hold deep feelings of anger at what he has gotten away with and continues to get away with that has had an affect on me. Don’t get me wrong, I do not sit here wondering what is going on with him and blaming him for why I am in the place I am. I know I am where I am because of choices I made, and that is on me. But I do resent the actions he took just to make me suffer and hurt me, because he wanted to get back at me, he even told me so.

I sit here trying to figure out how on earth I start the process within me of being able to give him any forgiveness. He is not a good person and does not care who he hurts or what he does as long as he gets what he wants. Even knowing that it is the best thing I can do for myself, and being able to work on it so I can one day forgive him, I don’t know how to start the process, to activate it within me. I do know I am happy he is with the woman he is with. He told me when I told him I wanted a divorce he could not live on his own, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. What he has created, well she has to deal with that, I don’t and that makes me relieved. I looked at him one day at court and realized she is the one who has to deal with him now, not me, and I smiled. But to forgive?

I have been listening to Dharma talks, reading all kinds of books and going to things to help me to move on and forgive. I am working on myself, taking care of my dog, seeing friends and my children and making plans to ensure I am in a good place by empowering myself. But even with all this, the dreams come, the hurt and anger arises and I want him to suffer. I want him to be accountable for what he has done. When I have these dreams I cannot understand why when I want him out of my life on all accounts. I woke this morning and was utterly disappointed in myself. I do not want to hold on to anything that has to do with him because it gives him power over me. The only person who should have power over me is me.

As I close, I am going to knit and listen to a dharma talk and put more effort into healing and mercy and work on moving on.

A Shot of Hope

I went to meditation last night, my mind was all over the place the entire time. Thoughts of every conceivable detrimental phase I’m dealing with played over and over in my mind going from one negative aspect to another. I was wound up and could not clear my mind, so I mulled over the things that were front and center in my thoughts while I tried to push out the harmful feelings.

One reoccurring though I have had is about my values and my way of thinking about relationships with a potential partner. I realized I have been thinking of those type of relationships backwards. I try to hard to present myself in the best light to be accepted and liked, when what I should be doing is seeing if the other person is someone worthy of me as a person. I do not need to worry about it any more than that because it doesn’t matter. Why? Because I could always use more friends I certainly don’t need a relationship if it is anything as awful as my marriage was.

There is and never will be anything that is perfect and for so long I worried I wasn’t and couldn’t live up to being anywhere close to it. (My father expected perfection and let me know I wasn’t any chance he could. He would point out what he didn’t like about me, so often I worried about how I was perceived. My ex was much like my father, but in a different way). I now realize I am perfect in my own way and the parts of me I see as flawed, well some I have let go of and others, I am working on accept the overwhelming feelings that come with working through those fears.

My life is an utter mess and I feel as if it is stagnate and I’m losing ground. I have no home, I was lied about by my ex and daughter and have no contact with my youngest daughter now when originally I was the custodial parent. For most of my marriage I was a stay at home mom and having this happen is just awful. I have a job I love and I am good at, but it doesn’t pay me a livable wage, however the insurance is phenomenal. Oh and my ex wants me to pay him child support.

I am working on bettering myself, really I am, but it feels as if I am going no where fast. Having no place to call home and not knowing where I’ll be or how I will get there, no family to lean on, it makes me worried and scared. Recently I opened an Etsy store to sell my knitting, crocheting and anything else I make after years of being told I would do great at it. I now have the confidence to believe I do but only time will tell if I will sell anything. On top of that I am doing what I can to better myself so I can move forward on other levels. I need to, I can’t live like this, I don’t want to live like this.

I have no nest egg, no means of cushioning myself financially, and I am alone. I no longer have my daughter, I can’t even see her or talk to her, something she devised and wanted. It breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do. I do not have someone paying my way, no sugar momma like my ex. Daily I struggle to accept what is and where I am in life and deal with the unknown.

Truth be told I am not hopeful not after what my ex and daughter did. So I am a nice person who people like, but it won’t get my ex to pay me what he owes me, or help me get up on my own two feet and have a place of my own. I am not benefiting in any way and I can not move forward right now, it sucks. Worst of all it won’t get my daughter back from the games that were played.

I have dealt with enough, I’ve had enough. I need something positive, some glimmer of hope and I need it now.