The Spider 

Woven it’s a work of art

The threads

 Shimmer and shine

 But do not

get trapped in those deceptions

Or you will pay the price

Bend and flip

Out maneuver

The truth is never seen

Master at your craft you are

Your web is just a string

The spider crawls

To the prey

Cleaver you surely are

But truth doth have a way

To expose the poison

You are

Be safe my child,

grab a tether

Hold on and watch your way

I love you like no other

Remember to stay safe.

The spider has a venom

And you might not awake

You are prey

And being watched

Don’t get tangled in the web

I can handle the dishevel

But It’s you I worry about.

Stay safe

One and only

I send strength to you, don’t doubt

Spiders can be taken care of

Do what you always do

A Patern

Cast in the reflection 
Spins a pretentious past

Covered in haze and fog

It was never meant to last

 

Off in the meadow

At the horizon line

The glade be filled with life aglow

Joy and the divine

I stand motionless

Jovial,

grinning ear to ear

What has happened

Will come to pass

Systematically it approaches

Then it disappears

All in time

lurching  forward
It will reaper

The Queen Moves

The emotional turmoil of the previous night set heavy on me when I awoke early the next morning. No message had been set with an update which could mean one of two things, it was a calculated move or nothing had proceeded. Either way, I was kept out of the loop.The conclusion I came to lay fresh in my mind, and while not predetermined I was certain of what must happen. I knew in my gut this was all about control and money, even though I realized it and saw through it for what it was it still hurt. But I knew one thing for sure I had control of how I chose to react, feel and think.

I took ice from the freezer placed them on my eyes as I walked the dog, and tried to be in the moment. No longer was I emotionally frazzled, or sad about what had happened. Don’t get me wrong it hurt and badly, but as I have found so much of life can hurt.

I am a mother of three, I love my children more than words can express. I would and have done everything I believe a parent should do to give my children the love and stability they need. For most of my children’s lives I was the one who was there emotionally for them and who instilled the values they have, even while married. They came to me and I valued the people they were.

My marriage wasn’t a healthy one and for that I wish I could change the effect it had over them and how detrimental it was. My youngest suffered the greatest, but you cannot turn back what has been done. I know this, I’d move hell and high water for her and her sisters, and would do it as many times as it took to save her.

However I find now this beautiful girl I nurtured and loved has expanded her wings and I must accept it. I bow to her and close my eyes as I set her free. Be safe my love, you are always and forever in my heart.

My heart is heavy but at the same time I am in a trance like focus on what I need to do, will do. I refuse to allow her to be used as a pawn, and will not be the one to manipulate her. I lay down my arms. 

I lay down my arms and take the high road.

Alone but Not Forgotten 

I’ve had a day.  A horrifically terrible day. Never would I have imagined life could be this relentless.  Over and over I recited my anguish to myself and a few good friends. I have lived through so much, and yet, when I think it is finally over more comes.  

I get that feeling I can move on, begin to feel confident, and bam! Not today satan!, as my daughter says. I honestly have no idea what was the cause of today’s incident, but I have a gut feeling on what is going on.  Needless to say while I didn’t like what happened, many things came from it.  

Overall I am still working on processing the drama that ensued but suffice it to say what ever happens it will all be over soon.  There is none to my liking, but it will be what it is.  

I cannot remember when I shed as many tears as I did, but while the tears flowed my mind was processing in ways it never has. Have you ever just felt in a way even if you didn’t like what was going on you had been set free in some way?  The key fit not where you wanted it to, but you were glad it did fit where it did because now you could move on. 

I have relinquish a part of myself, drama has never suited me and I don’t wish to engage.  A kind woman, no one I knew was genuinely caring and helpful, for her kindness I am grateful and hopeful. I will find the silver lining to this all even as my heart is filled with such despair.  The truth is never underestimate a person who has hate driving them.  I made the mistake thinking my life would now settle down.  I do hate roller coasters and this one is a doozy and I find it is best if I disembark. 

Too many times we fail to listen to our inner voice or our gut, it will never steer you wrong. I listened but didn’t know what it was telling me, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I do now, as the events have been set in motion and can’t be changed. I’m ok with that. 

It’s funny I had no idea what to write about not that I’ve said all that much, but mind you it is far more dramatic and inhospitable that even I could not fathom someone would do this, could do this.  I guess when it comes down to it sometimes it boils down to the money, which I feel this is. 

Tonight I say goodbye.  Goodbye to what this night entailed and the emotionally draining way in which it played out. And now I close my eyes.  May kind thoughts follow me and help me with my anguish. 

Peace to all, 

                  But especially me this night. 

Induction

5:30.  I opened my eyes before the predetermined time.  I lay there, with that tired feeling you get when you wake up earlier than normal, looked around at my surrounding, repositioned myself and breathed deeply.  As much as I wanted to close my heavy lids I knew it would be better if I stayed up.  I worked on shaking off the desire to sleep, telling myself  I needed to leave in a bit to go home and I needed to be up anyway.  

After my shower I packed up, sat with my oldest daughter, her fiancé, the middle daughter, (who came along with me for the visit), drinking tea at that kitchen table.  The table I gave her. What a nice morning, sitting and talking, like old times when we all lived together.

Two daughters in college, they had certainly matured and grown.  Seeing how well they respected and loved each other, made me feel so proud of who they were now as friends.  I knew they felt the difference in how their relationship matured, because I sure did.  The car was packed willy-nilly, we said our goodbyes and the middle and I headed home.  

I loved the open expansive spaces of nature when you drive in country areas, it makes me feel a purpose and so alive.  The smell of grasses, how the sun hits, the array of plants, but best of all I feel I belong.  The majestic way the wind causes tress to sway, flowers and grasses to bend, causes light to shimmer as it refracts against the natural surfaces, well, it’s magically mesmerizing.  

I did the driving, so I didn’t do my customary, placing my forehead on the side window to study the landscape.  I however did notice the early signs fall were heading in.  Where green once was, yellows and some burnt umber were emerging every so often as an undertone.  Then we’d pass and see an entire branch that was completely changed.  For the majority of the greenery, I sensed a feeling of tiredness, the leaves had reached their peak, hung like an old slowing down man and were ready for fall. 

Deep in though,  philosophically evaluating what fall meant to me and in general, it occurred to me how short our seasons really were when one measure time.  For trees the season cycle is much like a day for us, or so I conclude.  This observation made me realize how short of a time we really are privileged to be alive.  

As I have gotten older I don’t see season so cut and dry as they are defined; fall, winter, spring and summer. Season overlap so to speak, and I have become very observant looking for and at these changes.  As insignificant as they might be, it is one of our gauges of time, so too are birthdays. Having my children and being able to watch them grow and experience what I have with them, well I wouldn’t change it for the world.  

Now I have a truer understanding of time, life and my expectations, I wish I could slow down and savor what is past. That cannot realistically happen, but what can happen is my appreciation for where I am, learning to focus on the experience, the moment, the feeling, and just loving life.  

A World with Love

I woke early,  put on some clothes, brushed my teeth, put my hair up, and took my daughter to babysit.  I  was dressed to workout, the first workout I would have in weeks, due to a busy schedule not allowing me the luxury of taking care of myself.  I walked into the health club walked over the elliptical, hoisted myself up, situated my water bottles as I set the machine and glided.  Twenty minutes with my eyes closed, enjoying the rhythmic repetitive movement, feeling my muscles work, and believe it or not, relaxing.  After a few minutes I felt the beads of perspiration cover me, and took off my glasses.

Before I knew it, my time finished, I gathered my things, got off and walked over to the bikes.  At the end of the row of bikes, close to the mirrored wall are stairs, facing the bikes are recumbent bikes with just enough room for the power supple on the floor.  As I got on the bike I’d be using for 20 minutes, I notice a young tattooed  woman leaned over and working out on the stairs, working out hard.  Her right arm had a tattoo sleep minus a circular area around her elbow.  I thought it looked neat.  In front of me was a group of later aged individuals; two men to my left and a woman to my right.  They seemed to have great banter.  I closed my eyes  and focused on working out, while intermitted listening to them speak.

Up walked another man, he made pleasantries and took the last bike to the left.  By the look on the woman’s face it seemed like she felt uncomfortable and out of place being the only woman. and waited her turn to speak.  I continued to watch their interactions, trying to not appear like I was intrusively watching,  however I was intrigued by the group dynamic, to the point I was aware what they were doing and what they were saying.  I smiled to myself as another man walked up and joined the group.

It was clear the 65+ group across from me had developed some sort of friendship, and clearly like one another.  But what really made me want to study these people is the fact they really were having a great time together while working out.  You could feel the respect, care and admiration and clearly see the comradery they shared.  It warmed my heart knowing they accepted each other as people, not a black woman, two black men and two white men.

I pondered over the stark difference of the terroristic happening in Charlottesville in contrast to the jovial interactions of these people.  I went over how I make sure I treat people how I want to be treated.  I go out of my way to treat man, woman, animal and all of nature with care and kindness.  Our planet and everything on it needs one another to live.  Plants and trees need the CO2 we exhale, we need trees and plants to breath, some insects need our blood to live, animals need other animals and plants to eat, we get medications and products from many or these sources and yet, it is apparent our current political leader, and his followers, think being white and male makes them the pure, superior race.

How can you be superior treating other people inferior?  How can you think being white makes you better?  It doesn’t, and I’m damn sick of the lack of intellect these people have.  The inexcusable racism a small criminal fracture of our country spews as if a majority feels the same.  I don’t and I condemn you, the KKK, white supremacists, NEO Nazis and anyone else for what ever reason thinks they are superior.  Hear me now, you are NOT!!!

The despicable events in Charlottesville and the idiotic lack of diplomacy and character 45 shows is inhumane, cruel, coldblooded and unrelenting.  The fact that the republican party hasn’t ousted his ass with impeachment, begs me to ask the question:  Where are your morals? Our country’s leader is causing both a civil and world unrest that will have cataclysmic ripples none of us have seen in recent times. My children and their children will not know the America I did, and that sends a prickle over my entire body.

The terroristic hate is being fueled so prolifically by The GOP and it’s unrealistic view of our world.  I’m not saying I have all the answers, but what is happening now is not healthy and beneficial to anyone.  How can anyone condone Hate in any form?  Whats wrong with you America, snap out of if.