What would you do when what defined you as a person changed in an instant, the blink of an eye. When someone you love so much and would do anything for lied about you and forever changed the bond you had with them. If that change altered the outcome of them being in your life and you theirs. What if that person you loved so much was your child?
I was frantic with emotion and fear the day she left with her father. I begged her to stop and that I was the custodial parent. She knew I would do anything for her. I told her over and over again making sure she knew I would always be there no matter what. But something so debilitating my ex did and said forever changed what I knew would always resinate in her and leave (a negative) meaning and imprint on her, he called the police to do a wellness check on her. I was so out of body, I yelled to the police she has mental health issues, I begged her to wait and think, but my daughter went to her father and he said to her, “you don’t need to listen to her.She said, “she didn’t feel safe around me”. I tried everything to help her, I would have laid my life down for her in any way, just for her to be able to find her happy and her road to an emotionally whole way of feeling/thinking.
An ambulance was called, I tried to talk to her, reason with her. stay calm, but I new something bad was happening, and I couldn’t stop it. Nothing I did mattered, I felt it in the depths of my soul, and it only made me more on edge and unable to pull myself together and look more out of control. By the time I got to the hospital the staff not only was frigedly cold to me, but they treated me like a criminal. (I was told weeks later I verbally assaulted her). Because of her words and accusation I was never allowed to see her. That incident marked the last time my daughter was in my life. The last time I saw her or had contact with her other than the day of court a month later when she lied to the judge.
She said I was abusive, she read from a sheet of paper and the judge assessed her mental health issues. I didn’t see how this was happening. I still don’t know how I managed to stay standing when the judge bared me from any contact with her in any form for two years. I have never felt so overwhelmed and distraught. I had to be told later what was said and what happened. Everyone who came with me for support and knew all of us were just dumbfounded, including her sisters. To this day I cannot believe my own child did this and coping has been – so hard. I would have done anything for her. I would do anything for any of my children.
As days pass into months and I made it to the half year mark, I am still utterly and totally shocked by what was done; by my ex husband, my daughter and the judge, especially when I had no history of anything ever, not ever happening. I was the stay at home mother who rode bikes, made soap, cooked, hiked, got dissection kits and did all sorts of crafts with my kids. I was the parent who was on the PTA and church committees, who allowed the China to be used just because, had camping in the yard and had a several gardens to explore. I would do anything to help and give to my children, including being a parent and not their friend just to give them a good and healthy childhood.
To be honest, I was the parent who yelled loudly, who disciplined by taking away electronics or removing doors (and occasionally hit) but I was the parent who would not budge and give in, expected family time, dinner together, went places together, taught then the importance of independence. I was also the parent who the children listened to when in trouble, or unhappy, who they knew would take care of what ever they needed help with. My children have always meant everything to me and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to help them become secure, happy people.
I will never have the chance again with the youngest. For what ever reason she sees me different than who I was, and there is no way I can change that. I am not sure if her mental health issues played a part, or my ex husband or even how I was dealing with the divorce and not wanting him in my life. Regardless I will not be allowed the chance to know her anymore, and I will not have the change to be her mother.
I have come to the harsh reality it is best for me to stop and let all my feelings go concerning her and detach myself in anyway I can. I made arrangements, (with no prompting) to have her come get the rest of her items. I went and set it up, finally cleaned up the room she had and gathered everything I could find that had her mark on it. I had to, I had to remove any items that allowed memories to come forth in any way. Now I need to focus on my two other children who I cannot thank enough for how much they have given to me and helped me. I know they had this loss also and I cannot thank them enough for helping me with my grief when they had their own.
I cannot change what she did but I can change how I chose to handle it. That is where my true power is. (That was hard to come to terms with, even though I knew it and knew I had to do it- you know responsibility). I cannot make my life about her and continuously have it circle around her. Wether I like it or not she is gone, and I must go on. None of us can or should live on what ifs or allow our mind to make choices that time can only make. Besides it isn’t fair to the children who love me and depend on me and I on them. It isn’t fair to me and what I can have out of life to sit and wait for her, there are no guarantees.
I put my family first for so long. My children were my everything, there is nothing and I do mean nothing I would not work on to make our relationships as healthy as I could. You might ask why? Because people and love matter. How you make someone feel, think and who you help them to in grow matters. I am not perfect, have never professed I am, but, I feel I truly know what is important. At least to me these things are what makes me live and gives me meaning.
We never know what life will hand us. We can be the greatest person in the world and it means nothing in terms of how our life is. I lost a child and mourning someone who isn’t dead is so debilitating because you are not there with them in their life. Truth be told it isn’t a normal or healthy way of transitioning.
I am starting to find peace and grow, I’m proud. I know it is so healthy. I embrace it. But it has yet to stop memories and overlaping feelings that trigger. Letting go is best but like much our of life it is a process we travel. She has chosen her path, and just maybe it is better for her than I was.
As much as I don’t like to say she is dead to me, I kind of have to make my emotions start that process so I can let go and come to terms with it until I can better deal. There is no turning back, the damage has been done and I don’t know how I will out grow these feelings or can. Yes I know time changes things, but I also know my emotional boundaries and have to respect and honer them to move past this.
It is getting easier. I am living my life in ways that are empowering and life changing. I will alway have feelings for her, she’s my daughter, but it’s time to let go and live.