The Art of Math

splendor of color kaleidoscope

I look at the amazing way

the world creates

the complicated but simplistic

art of fractals

life, nature creates

Our brain, the dendrites that fire off

A creation of fractals

outer space, the Milky Way

and new nebulas

fractals

For the vast majority

of life

A complex but simple pattern repeated

over and over

Their are no coincidences

Everything breaks down

to this simple but complex  

mode of life

The answer to so much

of what life is

blush

Math, not my forte

perhaps one day

but for now

I use my artistic sense 

to see the world

with Mathematical undertones

or is it overtones!

The beauty and splendor of life  

created with both art and math

the yin and yang of the universe

Advertisements

Hot Chocolate and Some Thoughts

I’m sitting at a local Starbucks on my last full day of spring break, taking time for myself.  Over the last week I’ve done more soul searching and introspection, more than I have done in this manner in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big proponent of evaluating myself, however in this last week something profoundly different happened. I am not sure what changed, but I reevaluated what I have already gone over, but this time I looked at those items with a new perspective, and clearer eyes.

Perhaps it was time that allowed for this to take place, or finally feeling I can move on and I have to stop giving them power or that I am creating a new life for myself  or even all of them.  I am not sure but I am feeling (at least today) hopeful in a way I haven’t in some time.  I was betrayed by my daughter, by my ex, who I feel is a dirtbag. Being married for as long as I was; well you never know people unless the want you to, and clearly I did not know him at all.  Well I didn’t want to see what he was showing me and I wanted to believe he was different than he was.

I know we all have been betrayed and the fact remains betrayal is hard to overcome, let alone handle.  It is learning to in many ways accepting your were lied to.  I can accept apologies, let go of what happened, but I will not forgive.  People know right from wrong, plain and simple and I will not forgive to give them what they need to move on.  I have to accept what they did and find my own way to move on, and so should they.  I can let go just find and move on, but I don’t need to forgive them.  That is something they have to handle due to their actions. What was done will always live within me, on some level.

I am responsible for my actions and know right from wrong.  I am an honest and caring person, and do what’s right.  I am this way because just like innate aspect of our being that we are designed by nature to do, being honest is one of those things.  At least for me. I am not saying I have never done anything wrong,  I have, but I work on them and will atone for my actions.  I cannot live with feelings of being dishonest or immoral.  For anyone who thinks I lie, it just kills me.

At the end of the day and ultimately at the end of my life, I don’t want to have regrets.  I know there is no way to ensure that, but I know by living my life with morality and in ethical ways, and by looking at my part in this world it will help me to be the best version of myself I can. I am working on living and experiencing my life in ways I felt held back by my horrific marriage.  I didn’t nothing for 22 to years to change it, but I will not to that to myself again.

I try my best to take criticism (not always easy) but I do process it and see if I can learn from what I have been told.  The staff I work with will humorously tell me when I have things to work on.  One of those are working on being less loud or using properly lifting skills.  I work hard at my faults no matter what they are, and hope one day I will achieve being more in control of my actions.  I know all of this stems with me being more aware of who I am and being present in the moment.  Hence why I take meditation along with the many other things I do.  You learn to take the time to process before you respond. One day I will be able to do it with less after though!   I also believe it is feeling comfortable with who you are.  I work on listening and not trying to respond.  I want to be heard, so to does the person talking, what better way to show you care about them.

As one time I could not tell you anything about myself that I liked and could pick myself apart and show how I was not worth anything.  I wish I could turn back the clock and change that but I know I can move forward knowing what I know now.  I can no longer  find things I don’t like about myself and when I find something I think I don’t do in a healthy way, I work on correcting it so I can be well rounded and give off a feeling confidence.  I not only like myself but I love the woman I am.  I like my body, I like the fact I am strong, I like how I am combating my fears, and I like who I am growing into.  I want to be the type of person who makes others comfortable and people feel they can approach me.

I will achieve what I put my mind to.  I have to.  I lived way to long allowing other people to tell me who I was, it showed in my lack self confidence.  The people who I called friends are the same people I now realize were never my friends.  The way they treated me, well you don’t people you call a friend like that. I can’t say one instance any of them came to my aid, except one.  I’ve also realized the fact I knew these people for half my life ultimately means absolutely nothing.

The experience of my divorce and the aftermath that occured made me realize how many of those people were not my friends especially with how they came after me. (None of them stood by me)  Boy what a hard less to learn.  I not only lost my child, but I lost a plethora of fiends.  I hated to learn it, but now I can learn to see what it is like to have people who treat me with value and truly appreciate me for who I am.  I know it is a fact when a divorce happens there are many losses, and that is a bonafide fact.  The divorce wasn’t so much of an issue for me, it was the loss of so many people who now I see where not my friends and had no desire to really connect with and get to know me or see my ex as the narcissist with the traits he has.

Now I know I will more than likely experience more betrayal over my life but hopefully not anything compared to what I have had to go through.  That fact saddens me more than you will ever know at the heinousness of what I had to endure.  It’s hardest with people you love.  How life can adequately prepare you for betrayal, but all I can do is  hope as I continue to grow that just maybe life as I experience it now along with time will show me how in a healthy way.  I know I am a good person, I feel it and I know this because I have been told over and over.  That speaks volumes.

I’d like to thank each and every one of you who took the time the other day to read/look at my blog.  I have never felt so good about my writing.  Thank you for showing me.

Life is for the Living – Come Alive!

What would you do when what defined you as a person changed in an instant, the blink of an eye. When someone you love so much and would do anything for lied about you and forever changed the bond you had with them. If that change altered the outcome of them being in your life and you theirs. What if that person you loved so much was your child?

I was frantic with emotion and fear the day she left with her father. I begged her to stop and that I was the custodial parent. She knew I would do anything for her.  I told her over and over again making sure she knew I would always be there no matter what. But something so debilitating my ex did and said  forever changed what I knew would always resinate in her and leave (a negative) meaning and imprint on her, he called the police to do a wellness check on her.  I was so out of body, I yelled to the police she has mental health issues, I begged her to wait and think, but my daughter went to her father and he said to her, “you don’t need to listen to her.She said, “she didn’t feel safe around me”.  I tried everything to help her, I would have laid my life down for her in any way, just for her to be able to find her happy and her road to an emotionally whole way of feeling/thinking.

An ambulance was called, I tried to talk to her, reason with her. stay calm, but I new something bad was happening, and I couldn’t stop it.  Nothing I did mattered, I felt it in the depths of my soul, and it only made me more on edge and unable to pull myself together and look more out of control.  By the time I got to the hospital the staff not only was frigedly cold to me, but they treated me like a criminal. (I was told weeks later I verbally assaulted her).  Because of her words and accusation I was never allowed to see her. That incident marked the last time my daughter was in my life. The last time I saw her or had contact with her other than the day of court a month later when she lied to the judge.

She said I was abusive, she read from a sheet of paper and the judge assessed her mental health issues.  I didn’t see how this was happening.  I still don’t know how I managed to stay standing when the judge bared me from any contact with her in any form for two years. I have never felt so overwhelmed and distraught.  I had to be told later what was said and what happened. Everyone who came with me for support and knew all of us were just dumbfounded, including her sisters. To this day I cannot believe my own child did this and coping has been – so hard.  I would have done anything for her. I would do anything for any of my children.

As days pass into months and I made it to the half year mark, I am still utterly and totally shocked by what was done; by my ex husband, my daughter and the judge, especially when I had no history of anything ever, not ever happening. I was the stay at home mother who rode bikes, made soap, cooked, hiked, got dissection kits and did all sorts of crafts with my kids. I was the parent who was on the PTA and church committees, who allowed the China to be used just because, had camping in the yard and had a several gardens to explore.  I would do anything to help and give to my children, including being a parent and not their friend just to give them a good and healthy childhood.

To be honest, I was the parent who yelled loudly, who disciplined by taking away electronics or removing doors (and occasionally hit) but I was the parent who would not budge and give in, expected family time, dinner together, went places together, taught then the importance of independence. I was also the parent who the children listened to when in trouble, or unhappy, who they knew would take care of what ever they needed help with.  My children have always meant everything to me and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to help them become secure, happy people.

I will never have the chance again with the youngest.  For what ever reason she sees me different than who I was, and there is no way I can change that.  I am not sure if her mental health issues played a part, or my ex husband or even how I was dealing with the divorce and not wanting him in my life.  Regardless I will not be allowed the chance to know her anymore, and I will not have the change to be her mother.

I have come to the harsh reality it is best for me to stop and let all my feelings go concerning her and detach myself in anyway I can.  I made arrangements, (with no prompting) to have her come get the rest of her items.  I went and set it up, finally cleaned up the room she had and gathered everything I could find that had her mark on it.  I had to, I had to remove any items that allowed memories to come forth in any way.  Now I need to focus on my two other children who I cannot thank enough for how much they have given to me and helped me. I know they had this loss also and I cannot thank them enough for helping me with my grief when they had their own.

I cannot change what she did but I can change how I chose to handle it.  That is where my true power is.  (That was hard to come to terms with, even though I knew it and knew I had to do it- you know responsibility).  I cannot make my life about her and continuously have it circle around her.  Wether I like it or not she is gone, and I must go on.  None of us can or should live on what ifs or allow our mind to make choices that time can only make. Besides it isn’t fair to the children who love me and depend on me and I on them.  It isn’t fair to me and what I can have out of life to sit and wait for her, there are no guarantees.

I put my family first for so long.  My children were my everything, there is nothing and I do mean nothing I would not work on to make our relationships as healthy as I could.  You might ask why?  Because people and love matter.  How you make someone feel, think and who you help them to in grow matters.  I am not perfect, have never professed I am, but, I feel I truly know what is important.  At least to me these things are what makes me live and gives me meaning.

We never know what life will hand us.  We can be the greatest person in the world and it means nothing in terms of how our life is.  I lost a child and mourning someone who isn’t dead is so debilitating because you are not there with them in their life.  Truth be told it isn’t a normal or healthy way of transitioning.

I am starting to find peace and grow, I’m proud.  I know it is so healthy.  I embrace it. But it has yet to stop memories and overlaping feelings that trigger.  Letting go is best but like much our of life it is a process we travel.  She has chosen her path, and just maybe it is better for her than I was.

As much as I don’t like to say she is dead to me, I kind of have to make my emotions start that process so I can let go and come to terms with it until I can better deal.  There is no turning back, the damage has been done and I don’t know how I will out grow these feelings or can.  Yes I know time changes things, but I also know my emotional boundaries and have to respect and honer them to move past this.

It is getting easier.  I am living my life in ways that are empowering and life changing.  I will alway have feelings for her, she’s my daughter, but it’s time to let go and live.

Moving On and Growing

I am an introspective person by nature, and when given the chance, I study people. I study them for no other reason but to learn and gain knowledge about how they act and what they convey by being who they are.  As a child I was uncomfortable with who I was, so studying people was my way to learn about them and myself, so I could grow to be more secure in who I was and grow to have a better understanding of others.

While I did gain some knowledge, it wasn’t until I decided I had enough in my dead end marriage and truly started to learn about myself and others.  I learned that you don’t really know someone if they don’t want you to know who they are.  They can say anything they want, but what it comes down to is their actions.  I learned people say they are your friends, but when push comes to shove they will turn their back to you and abandon you or worst case switch sides.  I have learned love means little, and you can only rely on yourself.

It has been one of the most cumbersome and unyielding time of my life.  I though when I left and divorced my now ex husband, that the worst was behind me.  I celebrated every step of my divorce for the mere fact I felt in control of who I was and my life for the first time in 20 plus years.  I was free of the person who did horrific and  daunting unimaginable things to me.  Boy was I wrong.  Nothing hurts more than losing a child.  Especially when that loss is due to brain washing.

It has taken months for me to get to a point I can feel in a place of acceptance.  I have prepared all her things to be picked up and am now ready to close off the unimaginable.  Over the course of the last six months I have made remarkable strides to get here, and get here I did.  I put in so much effort and work, soul searching and growing in any way you can think of.  I would never imply what I have gone through has been easy, but I can tell you I have grown in ways I never have before. As for fear, nothing beats losing something you love and doesn’t love or want you in return.

I know I am stronger emotionally in both my approach and demeanor.  I am no longer afraid to try; anything.  I do mean anything.  I understand myself in ways I don’t think I would have, had this not happened.  I have been willing and ready to try past dreams of things I wanted to try and even the unexpected I never fathomed.  I don’t feel held back like we tend to do in life when we become older and have a family.  I have met many people and have found a greater understand of them in ways I never would have had I not had this happen.  I have been willing to try new things and not consider fear as a possible factor.  I experienced the worst fear I could have ever imagined and having had to face that fear, has forever changed me.

Yesterday I had no dreams, today I have more than I can articulate.  I bought a cello and just started lessons.  The teacher is meticulous.  Because I know who I am, I know I need a teacher who is meticulous. I know what makes me want to be lazy, and being out of my comfort zone is one of those places I am not so gung-ho to push mysel .  So I will practice my cello and while I know it is way off,  I intend on really practicing and one day play in a quartet  for church. I know that isn’t much to strive for, but considering this is the first instrument I have ever played, I think it is a worthy goal.  I also know church is the best place to start.

I have taken on many firsts, and while I don’t feel “comfortable”  as if it is second nature, I feel more confident being out of my comfort zone than ever before. When I had a family who was around me, I neglected my needs and put theirs first.  I don’t need to do that anymore.  I can feel how I am growing and that is empowering.

I know I will never fully be okay with some of the outcomes I have had to deal with, but I am all for making my life my own.  I want to be strong and self sufficient and more than able bodied.  I have so many things I want to experiment with to say I tried them.  Part of living is the experience.  I am ok with being in the public eye.  I know that now.  When I am ready I am wanting to play my cello in front of people.  I am willing and a able to read my poetry or help with a sermon.  I am wanting to try acting.  Really I want to be my authentic self.

I hid through a bravado of fake fear of being judged.  But I was judged by my ex and his daughter, people who said I mattered and loved me,  but clearly thought little of me.  If those people who should have had my back and never did didn’t support me what do I have to lose for those people who have no idea of who I am.  I say nothing but honesty an letting me fear go.  Because of that I do not fear their realism or judgement of me.  I know it will be from a place of honesty especially not knowing them, so I can take it.

As for my losses,  they are ones for the books.  I can’t dwell but I can grow and learn.  I embrace my life and let the negative naysayers do what they have to do, but I will live my life an not let fear or what if’s hold me back.

 

 

why does it matter

I wish I had a talisman

I could use good luck

integrity and honesty

don’t mean or offer much

 

I don’t know how

to play your little game

You fortify with lies

Glibly cheet

 

It seems the truth

means little

when you weave

a web of deceit

 

narcissistic mastermind

you know what you do

you make a mockery

and its honest folk who lose

 

while you think I loss

I see it as a win

i no longer suffer

from the marks you leave within

 

 

 

 

One Day

The change in my demeanor

from what has come to pass

is foreign  and unnatural

makes me feel wrong

 

I work to over come

my child hating me

for what I have no clue

but her father brainwashing thee

 

It is her that will suffer

from what has come to pass

playing with her emotions

is manipulatively underhanded

 

I will not fight for her

one day she will see the light

in the meantime she will suffer

from the game you made of her life

Choices

Faceless you have become

as memories do fade

I pack up your belongings

and feel the searing pain

 

tears pour from my eyes

with what has come to be

I struggle with my feelings

working for (my) inner peace

 

 

the pain will always linger

from the choices you did make

No amount of time

will fix or mend the break

 

your actions

you must own

there will be no reprieve

look inside yourself

Deal with your deceit

 

It is you who lost out

no one has won

least of all you

one day you see what you’ve done