All the Time

The art of finding myself has changed me with each new undertaking. It’s as if the more (healthy) new things I try, the more I understand my past, and the more my need to learn has increased. I strive for a deeper and healthier understanding of what it means for me to be alive, and what it means to live a good healthy life. In many ways my need to find solace from my past experiences has caused me to become my own mentor. I have worked hard to find healthy ways to push out of the confines I lived in for years and be, well the true me.

The confines I was held in previously have made me realize, upon reflection, that they were more due to the person I was with, than my own way of being/thinking. Although I limited myself and stopped myself from living my life, (because of how my ex was), I never fully understood how my ex made me feel, until my epiphany happen. It was a gradual process I have grown and gained understanding from, I now see I had no personal identity outside of our marriage, and no “real” independence per say. Whether it was an intentional dynamic he set on his part or something I felt I had to do based on how he was toward me, I’ll never know, I just know the relationship we had was toxic in every conceivable way.

The relationship I’m in now allows me to have my own identity both in the relationship and outside of it. Each day, I see how good it is and how I am growing in leaps and bounds. This relationship is by far the healthiest relationship I have been in romantically and otherwise, and I feel how content I am. I in no way am saying I should discount totally the years I was with my ex, or what I went through, overall I did learned from my past relationship in many positive ways, and while the experience was horrible it took hindsight to see what I gained.

I was deathly worried about repeating the past. If you only knew the fear I had and how I analyzed the potential of having someone in my life who dictated who I was, and who wouldn’t allow me to be an individual. I deeply worried I wouldn’t see the person clearly and it stopped me cold in my tracks time and again. I was so worried to date anyone, that when I dated anyone who offended me in any way, I ended it with a guillotine response. You see I would rather be with no one than someone who treated me in the obtrusive ways my ex did in so many ways, over and over again.

I should have never been with my ex, let alone married him, but make no mistake I see the error of my ways. In fact I’m sure that if my ex hadn’t already, he would have slept with my mother and all of my friends given half the chance. At this point I wouldn’t put it past him with everything that he did and put me through time and again. I believed anything he did or said, which was a really dumb thing on my part, considering how much he lied over and over.

The man I am dating now I never expected to date, nor did I expect to ever like him. He is a man who allows me to be me and treats me well, in every sense of the word. He is more than ok with who I am and he is ok with me having my own identity outside of our relationship. This is new to me. I have learned I must take everything in the relationship as if it is a first and not respond until after I analyze and refilter on it, so I have clarity. My ex would point out my faults, correct me, and make me feel like I wasn’t ok. It has taken me a very L O N G time to realize that it was his issue and not mine.

On the flip side, I like the man I am dating now; he is kind, considerate, aware, honest, genuine and I see him as a friend. I find I am completely comfortable with him and I am myself around him all the time. It’s a nice feeling. I can tell you this, I’m in no hurry and I won’t rush into any relationship. Yes I enjoy his company and I like him, and I know he feels the same, but making sure we are both on the right track is more important to me. Why? Well it’s my life, and I deserve happiness and everything that comes with it. However, I am more than willing to give my all, just like I would anything else of importance.

Like anything in life as much as we hate to admit it, it takes time…

Here’s to me.

Advertisements

May you Smile

Overnight a quenching rain fell, with boughts of thunder and lightning, cooling down the temperatures left by the intensely hot day. As the rain fell, a heaviness filled the air as the humidity began to rise, leaving a laden layer of wetness saturating everything in observable view. Creak bottoms running with the collect rain, rivers at their banks, and the sky covered in grey clouds, residuals of the storms that passed through the area while we slept.

Every tree in bloom, lush spring grass and flowers galore, a calm and uplifting feeling. New growth awakens a since of peacefulness and possibility while the sweet scents quiet my soul, relaxing me to an almost meditative state. The heaviness do to all the humidity in the air and grey cloud cover in no way dissipated the warmth of the day, especially common this time of year. Pokes of sun, an intermediate breeze, an unremarkable, remarkable day.

A symphony of birds, a plethora of dandelions, an awakening of the empirical senses; the psychological capacity for perception, especially this time of year becomes more like an aphrodisiac. Spring, the rebirth of active life, our planets life blood, all from the rain, sun and warmth. I feel tranquil, and motivated along with purpose.

I am awake, I am alive, I feel connected. Nature you are who I seek and need always.

Muscle Memory

I have been taking cello lessons for about two months now. The initial process of starting to learn the instrument has been a bit difficult. I find the hardest part for me, has been to feel natural holding the instrument and bow properly. I am astonished by how quickly the muscle memory is building, even though it still feels foreign.

I appreciate how meditative just learning and practicing cello has been, as well as how it has helped me to not focus on things that are cumbersome and stressful in my life. I have a long way to go before I can say I play the cello, but I can tell you the benefits I’ve gained have been much needed in my life and out weigh any negatives.

As my life has morphed and changed in as many ways as one can be pulled, I realize more than ever how important growth is to my wellbeing. Without prior knowledge of the benefits of what I was doing for myself, I added more exercise back into my life, I began practicing meditation, and I took up an instrument. In addition, I decided I would push my fears aside, as it turns out when I show fear for anything, the fear has ended up finding me first. Instead of letting my fears come to me I go to them, and that is where my control has been.

In the last six months much has changed in my life, but the one constant is my ability to be resilient and try new adventures even in spite of my fear. I feel more in control and happy with the changes I’ve made and continue to make. Don’t get me wrong, some of the changes have been excruciating, and lonely but I know I am a healthier person because of making those steps. Of course I am not recommending you put your life through the chopper, but what I am saying is it can and will get better. The key is to live life and give yourself time to heal.

Never in a million years would I have imagined what I went through to happen to me, some days I still can’t fathom it. At some point (I am sure) I will feel as if my life has finally become unified and cohesive in nature, and settled down. With as awful as things once were, it has shown me the importance of loving yourself, the things you do and finding people who love and support you.

I’ve always been about being happy and having life be as simple as possible. The moments we cherish, the meaningful gestures we give and receive, our perseverance, how we love and who we are, mean everything to me. But sometimes you have to let go and just free fall and be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

The disasters in life, if nothing else teach us we have to let go at the same time focus on what matters and take life moment by moment. It isn’t easy, but good things never are. My life is mine, I own it and I am living it.

With Time

With a passing though, and a deep slow breath

I momentarily close my eyes, to shove (away) the sorrow in my heart

cutting off my feelings to stop tears before they form

Memories of what was, painfully reignite what has come to passed

I strive to move ahead, attempting to leave memories of you behind

shutting off my mind to the pain that’s called the shots

 

Looking back to times and feeling it in my heart

never were you tethered child, nor counted me worthy of a bond

I know it matters none to you, as you crossed me out

took my name of mother to leave me a blacken mark

I was honest, open and sincere, would never make you choose

yet in the end it mattered less,  I was the piece removed

 

Sitting in the quiet, as nature played its melodious hum

with an empty static rumination, my mind did drift

internally and emotionally,  a methodically mode of healing

Both mindless and therapeutic, and essential to have achieved

In many ways I’ve let go and accept what has come to pass

 

In the interim as the transtion is a go, time has a way to heal

Memories fad the past loses hold, you move from to to fro

You need not worry child you have made your choice

I remove my voice from your narrative, showing respect and care

Both our lives will go on by separated paths

Inchoate in nature but I will stay par the course,  my faculties in tow

 

Whether or Not

It’s a blustery April morning, light snow is falling chaotically, due to the wind. The snow on the road in front of me, a dry powder, is blowing in wave like motions. As I sit in my car waiting the churning snow mesmerizes me and causes my thoughts to drift off as I wait.

The natural chaos of life in its own way creates a consistency of sorts almost pattern like. The fact, pain and suffering is inevitable while we are surrounded by such beauty, causes me to take pause over my own life. How do I contribute to my own existence? Does my genuine nature, open, and caring disposition help my outcome in the same way physics and math rule the universe? Does how I improve myself by becoming more mindful, playing music, writing, etc, aid me in a better life?

Since my divorce I think about how much I have changed, I have become more confident, ready to take risks and am not fearful of failure like I once was. I think about what has gone on in my life, my willingness to face what comes my way and and be okay with the state of where I am, (for the most part). A ridiculous amount of my life has changed, those experiences have not stymied me as they could have, but yet at the same time I can see how aspects have stayed the same.

With each wave like movement of the snow dancing across the blacktop, I see how my life ebbs and flows. As if my life is concentric circles, my experiences ripples out increasing my knowledge base and broadening how I view the world and adapt. Giving up has never been an option, sometimes gaining my momentum has been a struggle, however I am willing to learn and work on broadening my thinking. The fact I have become more mindful in many respects, (which still is a work in progress) has been an enormous help.

It’s bitterly cold out, just a few days ago it was mild, the sun was shining, but certainly not warm. What we remember or forget, isn’t always something we choose, but make no mistake all those experiences mold and form who we are. We tend to recall the negative experiences because they erode and impacts our perceptions and beliefs in a profound way, but those experiences allow for the greatest growth, that is if you are willing to learn from them. Examination of how we perceive and filtering negative scenarios by critically and logically thinking can be life affirming. You know, “take it with a grain of salt,” approach. As I have been told for years, slow down. Would I change the past if I could? Yes most definitely I would have. I would have done more for myself and put my needs first. I would have let things go and walked away, but I wasn’t the person I am now, nor was I ready. The fact remains life is a fine line to which it can be balance, and that balancing act will never become perfected. There is a plethora of factors that both make life predicable and unpredictable, much like the weather.

We all have free will to choose, to see our part and take charge of our lives. This is “my” life and from now on I choose what happens with what I can as a person do. I am a leader, I am confident and I am kind. Welcome to life!

Half Baked

In the late night hours

Prior to A.M

I stumbled in the door

Exhausted almost dead

Knowingly I’m dreading

The lack of sleep I’ll get

I blame on the morning

And a busy life

I struggle to get up

I struggle to get to sleep

Five fifteen’s too early

But I was unable to leave

Looking at the clock

Eyes clearly dry

Was my choice to banter

Now I’m sleep deprived

Thoughts go through my head

Ideas to explore

Its time to get moving

See what’s in store

As for the late hours

It’s a good thing

Up until I realize

Everything must end (sigh)

Moderation for this

Moderation for that

Unable to burn a candle

At both ends

Cut Flowers

Early spring has always held some sort of charm for me, seeing the grass turn from brow to green, little buds appearing on the trees and the longer daylight hours slowly returning. In forested areas I’m drawn to the shoots of plants poking through the brown leaf mold and contrasting against the color of the bare trees. It excites me and send exuberance though me, for I know it is only a matter of time I must wait for nature to spring back to life and be in full bloom. With the return of warmer weather and longer days the delightful sounds of nature come alive and with it so do I.

As long as I can remember I have had a love for flowers and plants. One of my favorite spring time flowers as far back as I can remember, has been the hyacinth. It is the aromatic rich fragrance, and the array of colors it comes in that has drawn me to them. As a young child of maybe seven I have a vivid memory of pulling out one of my neighbors hyacinths, bulb and all, only to be reprimanded by my dad for stealing. But I was lucky enough to have a neighbor down our alley, who would frequently cut some of his climbing roses for me. He knew how much I loved them. Finally, every year in spring while on my way home from school I would pick lilacs. We didn’t have flowers of any kind growing on our property except for morning glories I was allowed to plant along our fence, in addition my father did have a vegetable garden every year and I would love picking the vegetable, (especially green beans) and eating them as I picked them.

I would work with my dad digging and planting, thinking I was helping him as he planted, but really he did all the work. I would watch him take cuttings of plants put them in rooting powder and start new plants. I remember him telling me about trees and tree rings and I would alway get a sense from him he respected the trees and nature. I’m sure my love of nature grew from him and the time he spent with me.

It wasn’t until years later after getting my first house that my true love for gardening show. I got right to work, pruning trees, making plans for all the flowers I would plant and deciding where my vegetable garden would go the following spring. However waiting for the spring to come seemed to take forever and the anticipation of seeing flowers bloom made me wish I could rush the preceding season. Worst of all waiting for the plants I had order to come in the mail took so long I thought they would never come. When the time finally came and my plants arrived I was beyond excited and could plant. I was radiant with pride knowing I could and had planted flowers. All the hard work I put made me certain my garden would both flourish and be beautiful. I felt so alive becoming the gardener I knew I would always become.

It wasn’t until the purchased of our second house, that my true gardening abilities came out and the clear connection I had with plants and nature in general showed through. Not only did I have an eye for landscaping, but my yard was a draw for a plethora of birds, bees, butterflies and every conceivable child and their families. In addition I had such an array of flowers and massive amounts of them I could have cut flowers for much of the season.

Every inch of the front garden I designed, dug and planted or made myself. I was so proud of how welcoming and alive it made me feel that I would sit for hours listening to the sounds, taking in the beauty and smelling the sweet smells. Children would come to watch the waterfall, look at the fairy garden but none of the children picked any flowers, except my own daughters. The would make sure we had a vase or two every week.

Part of the wish I had in planting my garden, was to make my house feel welcoming, make people want to take time to slow down and enjoy the peace and solitude I created and allow children to be children and walk through it. I also had a strong desire to feel in touch with nature. Not only did the flowers bring me joy, but the massive amount of birds I had would drowned out the sounds of civilization.

Since my divorce and the consequent sale of my house, leaving my personal sanctuary devastated me on so many levels. The connection I had with the space I created was gone, the array of flowers; some rare, would be missed and the feelings my living work of art gave me would no longer be present. I reminisce often, looking at pictures of my heaven, the amazing space I created. The joy, love and internal sense of purpose I felt and then I feel an emotional void that time has yet to heal.

How can a garden cause such strife? I’m sure it stems from the labor of love I had, how it connected me to nature, how it drew me and my children together much like when I was a child spending time with my father. I do know there is nothing better for anxiety and stress. It has been a few years since I have had our garden, I miss everything about it, but right now I am not in a place to have one. But you better believe when my circumstance improve and the position I am in life changes that will be one of the first things I will do for myself. For the love of nature but mostly for the love of myself.