20% of 14 Thousand

My life is, well not worth much. Not only have I lost my daughter to lies, my ex husband brought his seething girlfriend to court the other day. He is asking for child support and I work as an aide. Of course this awful judge is giving him a huge portion of my income, 20%. Yes it is huge when I make under 15 grand a year. My ex acts like he is entitled to get support when he has not paid me anything he owed me and made a point to tell me he wasn’t. In fact the entire ruse he did in taking my daughter was to avoid paying me any money. He made a point to tel me that in not so many words. You see his first love has almost always been money. Sex is a close second.

In the time I filed for divorce until it was granted in August of this year I thought I had already experienced the hardest days of my life. I was so wrong. The day my daughter was taken from me due to his malicious lies has been. I’m pretty confident my daughter wants nothing to do with me for she supported what he did by lying with him to get her way.

But the fact remains, none of what I am saying is new, I have said a thousand times at least sense it has happened. It is also true that each and every time I am made to go to court (as my ex hasn’t followed through on something) all the progress I’ve made in putting it all behind me comes surging forward and then implodes.

This last time at court I was a bit dumbfounded he brought his girlfriend. It made me realize either he is so good at lying she is clueless or she is just like him. In both cases it worried me for my daughter. It was obvious my ex had told some big lies about me and it made me angry because he gets away with so much.

I also was ridiculously out of control and made a point to turn around and call her ugly, fat and a feedbag. A feedbag is a term my ex used for a fat ugly women. I said something when he came out and when they left the court room. I was angry this woman would believe him and stand by him. He is with her plain and simple because she has money, and puts out. If by chance it is love I am sorry.

I know I must sound like a bitter ex wife and I am, but not for the reasons you would think. I am bitter because he seems to have gotten away with how horrible he has treated his (other two) children and me. How he seems to be doing well and all I want is him to suffer and not be happy. He doesn’t deserve happiness. He skates by and gets what he wants, isn’t held accountable. I don’t get it.

To be clear I want to move on. Every time I start to make those steps I have court and the judge is meaner to me than the last time and the ex doesn’t have something he is suppose to. I then relive everything and have to go through the pain again and find a way to recenter myself. I don’t even realize the feelings are coming until I get this rush of emotion and tears are running down my face. I relive everything that transpired. What my daughter said to me, losing her and how smug my ex was at what he had done. Then everything my ex attacked me with in our parenting app plays in my mind and how I was told how wrong I was for saying anything comes flooding back. (I think the people who have k’s in their name who associate with him I need to avoid). I’ve lost her and her love and that is the truth.

My ex made a point to tell several people I was abusive. I was not. I slapped her once for attacking her sister. (Again something I’ve said before). He said the judge did what she did because I was abusive. I’m not sure that’s true but if he wants to say that, ok. My ex is lying and lies about anything he can leaving small veins of truth through so he can say it is honest. He wants me to look bad because I said some pretty awful things about him that were truthful and I walked away from him. He followed my blog to get something he could use against me and as stupid as I was I underestimated him. The fact remains if he can make me look bad he looks better or so he thinks. Of course it won’t change who he is.

I have to come to terms with the awful truth my daughter is gone. (Well not really, but maybe writing it will convince me). She is no longer part of my life, stopped loving me and refuses to talk to anyone she once did. The day she left all contact with the people she talked to ended. That is the reality. She along with her father had been planing this for a while I’m pretty sure, but I along with her sisters are the only ones who have to live with it and have suffered.

Why is it when you don’t come across as funny people run from your sorrow and pain? Being unfunny doesn’t make your pain worse, you just handle it differently. For me what has happened has damaged my soul and how I see the world. I have struggled more days than not and I know I will never have the clarity or answers I seek. Having love and support means more to me than anything, especially considering how abusive my marriage was. I long for being able to forget and move on.

I had hoped the truth would have set me free, instead I suffer more because he is so vindictive and no one wants to see or hear the truth. I left him because of everything he did, how much he hurt me over the years and how he killed my love and left us all destitute and how he over-sexualized my daughters, touching their butts and boobs and justifying it. But still his vindictive abuse continues.

I started this blog to empower others and help myself, but I feel all of this… garbage has stymied me and turned away people from wanting to read my writing. My imagination has suffered and the lightheartedness within me has almost dried up. I feel as if my life will never improve as it has been so hard for so long.

I struggle and push to change how I feel, and overcome it all, but you know what, I feel horrible about life. My losses are real. Everything I fought for for my daughter(s) was real. Everything I fought for to gain independence was real. I wasn’t a gold digger or asking for things not within my right. It was the ex who wasn’t willing to compromise and forced me to get a litigator. He is filled with hate for me, however, I just want him to feel the pain he caused and should have felt if he wasn’t a monster. I just want him to be held accountable. The same thing all these woman who said they were sexually assaulted and have come forward with want, to be acknowledged and feel like they matter. They want what the went through to be be seen for what it was, abuse and demeaning behavior toward them as women and above all have their abusers held accountable.

Why is it the men who can talk a good talk and appear to be something many know they aren’t have the support while the victims suffer? Why don’t people stand up to these men who think they are all powerful and help the victims? I stood up against my ex and no one says anything to him or condemns him for the things he did. I get attacked by other woman who were my supposed friends and people coming to me to support me, but don’t want anyone else to know.

For most of my marriage I suffered in silence and when I came forward; my attorney extorted me, the court system let me down, people who I knew for 30+ years turned on me for airing my dirty laundry as they said, my daughter lied about me, and I fought to get help because no one wanted to help me. It was call this number or do this, not how can I help. What do you need.

This is the exact reason so many women remain silent. The entire system makes women like me feel like we don’t matter. I gave my life for my children and my marriage and it means nothing. The court system has made me feel that only the people who can talk a good game and hide the truth are honest. The judge can make her own rules sides step facts and documentation and do what she wants. It doesn’t matter if he was abusive, has an arrest warrant out for him, or had a restraining order against him, he is a good person and parent and here take your daughter because you said she slapped her daughter two months ago. Doesn’t matter he won’t pay what he owes or do what he needs to, he is a man and can manipulate and talk a good talk and not show emotion.

I really want you to realize how detrimental our society is on victims of domestic abuse. How women condemn other women for not being how they deem women like me should be. Why should I hide and be silent? Why should I not tell people what he did? I was shameful for so long, but not anymore! He needs to be held accountable for everything he has done to me and our daughter(s) and all the women (he had affairs with) who he sexualized.

To his girlfriend:

I’m sorry you don’t see who he is, but you do not know him.. You have no idea what I lived through or endured for years. He was a monster. I was hit, kicked, punched, spit on, woke up every hour on the hour for two days, cheated on and given STI’s, run off the road plus countless other horrible things. I didn’t file bankruptcy with him because he was the one who spent, the credit cards were in his name and I didn’t have access to them, I was frugal and for years tried to get him to stop. In addition his pornography addiction was insatiable along with his online affairs. I hope he will be different for you and be good, but leave me out of it, because who he is is not a reflection of me.

To my daughter; I love and miss you. I wish you would have handled you angry different. I would alway check with you and see how you were doing. I wanted to make sure you used healthy ways to deal with your emotions. I’m sorry you felt you had to do this. I hope you are ok.

I am looking forward to the new chapter that starts at midnight tomorrow, May it prove to be a better year.

Thank you.

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An Extravagant Loss

An Extravagant Loss

In the recesses of my mind

And the longing in my heart

Fears I’ve left behind

And hurts I have not

I fight to let go

I push to carry on

There are perils I (must) face

As with any loss

Steps I continually ascend

And landings I’ll cross

Eyes, open wide

I see and feel too deep

To the depths of my soul

Any breathes I do breathe

I’m in ready mode

Reeling from your games

Childish I may have been

What I carelessly display

Heightened reactions

Dynamic must NOW change!

I have to let go

Thinking any fairness exists

Telling lies, weaving webs

You don’t consider those risks

It’s a way of life

The monster you are

Void of real emotion

Any subconscious constraints

Truly …by far

Blood courses through my veins

Sorrow pours out my heart

My skin crawls when you are near

Intuition tells me to run

Run out of here

.…far

How can I be, the only one

Who sees who you are?

Because no one else has done…

A weaver of lies

And deplorable ways

You find a means to an end

And ride out the waves

As I see it now

Well, I had hoped

Truth would have meaning,

carry some clout

Hard work, honesty, who would doubt?

In the end, being kind

Loving, and showing care

Means nothing

absolutely nothing

With sticky webs of deceit

Your propaganda comes through

Triangulation and (other) deplorable ways

No one will stop you

Cuz you talk a good game

You’ll lie and conceal

Hide the truth at all costs

It’s all about winning and

The blame game, boss

While someone like me

Suffers the most

I’m honest open

Now beaten through

With a lineage of deplorable things from you

Resolve to Motivate

What I experienced this last year hit me fast and furious causing a downward spiral from the trauma, the raw emotions and feelings that came forth causing a proclivity in me of all things, situational depression. I could not stop from happening what I saw coming and the feelings that came with it, well they were equally dark and overwhelming. If it was something I could just snap out of I would have, but like most I expected grief it had to run its full course. The hope is as you improve and see things from the other side in a clearer way, that you not only grow but learn about yourself. I’m not completely over what I was unfortunate enough to have gone through, but I am feeling more in control of who I am and ready to let go and move on.

I owe no one but myself a good life from here on out. It is time for me to take care of who I am, put myself first and meet my own needs. I’m sure my two girls would attest to the fact that it is about time I took care of myself, but they know if they need me for anything they can always count on me. They will always be paramount in my life. That being said, I have been working toward creating change in my life as it stand to make a life for me as a single woman. I want changes that are meaningful and make an impact on how I feel and of course think about life. Happiness is everything.

I am a goal oriented person and I like to make New Years resolutions, only because it is the perfect time to make changes. Don’t get me wrong I make and set goals for myself often, but the freshness of the new year makes it easy to start off with clear defined goals as if life is starting a new page never been written on. I’m not one to make goals for myself that are ambiguous and broad, I make my resolutions (goals) precise, sincere and obtainable. Most importantly I do not having an all or nothing mentality. I don’t like setting myself up for failure, however mistakes are ok as long as I don’t repeat them and most importantly I learn from them. I will not let or allow negativity to rob me from being the person I am and continue to grow into.

This year I am focusing on my personal growth. I’ve purchased books to read that I feel can start me on the path to my own personal enlightenment and self awareness. I’ve always been interested in learning as much as I can about what makes one tick, how the world works etc. The knowledge base I gain from reading books like this, ie, “The Road Less Traveled”, gives me the tools to broaden my understanding and it empowers me. What I experience in life, in myself, with others, having the ability to have clarity and insight is a useful attribute and I am excited about developing this skill in richer and deeper ways. It is important to me to be a kind, caring person.

Meditation has been and is a useful vector for my own personal self awareness, learning how to slow down my thought process, feelings and how I over process I have been able to take pause before I carelessly react, (sometimes). Reading books on Buddhism, from the Dalai Lama and learning about the Dharma has allowed me new perspectives and to think in unaccustomed ways, enriching my life. I trust the perspectives of Buddhism the insightfulness of psychology and the new way of seeing.

One very important change I’m working toward is to develop a richer more positive style of communication. I want to show a refined confidence with inner personal strength that comes across in my dialect and of course in my body language. I’m done with doubting myself and thinking yahoos I have severed myself from ever held a candle to me. There is no reason for me to not exude confidence when I can and will accomplish anything I put my mind to. I might sound cocky or full of myself, but I am not, on the contrary what I want is a quality of life I can be proud of and my happiness.

Any resolutions or goals I set for myself I state clearly and as precise as possible. It makes it easier to work toward and easier to obtain. This year my number one goal is accepting myself for who I am, where I am and allowing myself the steps to improve my overall life in healthy eloquent ways. Accepting the things I cannot change and working on the things I can, ie finding my drive, being positive, remapping my though process, letting go of past negativity (we all carry as baggage), developing healthy skills and seeing myself in positive ways are all key elements of what my divorce and a heavy loss has motivated in me to work on.

I know I poss the stamina and motivation to develop and go beyond status quo. There is meaning in my life and my life has meaning. I intend on giving quality care to myself, loving what brings me joy, embracing the fact I am single and that I can take care of myself and thrive.

In just a few days a new year is welcomed in with all kinds of possible and can’s. There is no room for the past or what ifs, they no longer matter. Forward I move not looking back.

The Power of Love

This time of year we are drawn to the things we cherish and that bring us happiness and love. Rituals are a big part of our traditions and tie into our feelings giving us the stability of warmth and love with those we love and hold dear, as only traditions can do. Nothing this year made me feel a connection to the holiday and it felt like the holiday didn’t exist except for when others said something. There were no traditions of years past, and no togetherness that holidays are synonymous with. I had no togetherness binding me to those that are dear to me and truthfully I didn’t care. For me it has always been about my children❤️.

The holiday did give me a chance to think about all that has transpired and what I no longer have to deal with or have any longer that I miss. Some of those things were good and others were down right awful but in any case they were eye opening and helpful in my healing process I am going through. The so called friend(s) who believe my ex wasn’t saying negative things when he was are the same people who posted pictures of my daughter with them when what happened started. Of course they rubbed my loss in as a glorification to say see, this is what we think of you. Clearly not a good hearted person, vindictive and petty which I never realized until divorcing my ex. It was then I saw how much like him they were. Anyone who would be happy for what happened and clearly made a statement they were in support of him by praising him for his lies, well that says volumes. While it affected me, I now see these people for the unscrupulously inhuman people they have always been and will always be, users. Then there is the person I considered to be my closest friend. She was able to be there when things were going well for me and when they got very uncomfortable, but when they turned as south as they could go and I was unable to handle the gut wrenching emotional suffering I had to deal with, well she couldn’t any more.

In each of these cases I came to realize how little I was thought of or how I was considered unimportant. If I had been more covert like my ex was the friend wouldn’t have seen me as talking about him, for she couldn’t see it when he did it about me or my children. She glorified the loss of my child and diminished my love for my daughter making my circumstances about her and putting herself in the middle. She knew how awful he was to me and yet she showed support to him. I say to any of you who know her or her husband do not trust her.

My daughter, I have no idea what was going through her mind, and I no longer care. I’m done being treated like garbage by her or the people who say they were my friend who turned on me as if they were part of my divorce. When I needed (those) friends to support me they turned their backs on me when I needed to feel my life was worth living. I was told to write down how I felt about them on paper. I’m sorry but you don’t get off without consequences for your actions, and your family, they can’t protect you when Karma comes knocking. May you one day understand fully what your lack of morals and honesty truly has done and what it means and says about you as a person.

So many aspects of the things I’ve experienced this last year have played over in my mind, and yet I have no real answers or closure for them. The what if’s with every senecio I could come up with my mind plays over and over as I try to find healthy ways to handle my emotions and the unanswered question I’ll never have answers to. I’m sure it is my subconsciouses way of looking for closure and working on ways to deal with what has happened and now is. In any case I need it to stop. But one way my subconscious has shown me closure is by showing me the parallels between my ex and my friend who supports him. I have dreamt several times they have slept together. I know this is my mind telling me how alike they are, because they will both stop at nothing to lie and get their way and do not see what their behavior and actions cause, not do they care.

This year has been, a year I want to let go of. I have been working on myself and my goals. I am an empty nester, but I would have never given up my children in any way to be the self serving sort. Family has meant everything to me, and my children know that. I thank my children every day for being in my life, L and K, I love you. Family sticks together and they know I would do anything for them.

Having said that, I want you all to know that I cherish every day my two daughters have helped me through this. I cherish the friends who have stood by my side and shown me just how much they support and love me. Who know me and know none of what was said about me was true. For those of you who told me “we know what type of person you are and know you would never have done what you were accused of”, who every day show me respect, care and value. It is because of you I am here and making my way.

Please do not think the love and kindness you have given me has not been recognized, noted and kept within me. You have made my world and my life meaningful when it was so dark I didn’t know how I would or if I could go on. My loss as profound as it was is now becoming the very thing that is helping me recover. It is changing and it is because of the things you did and said that have helped me. The hugs, kind words, the statements of how you see me, the love in your eyes, the uplifting words you have spoken to me to help me, if you only knew how so many of these gifts have built me into the person I’m becoming. The meaning of life is that we are not just an “I” but parts of others who have touched our lives with care, love and hope to make us whole. Do not underestimate the power you have over helping another.

With Love💋

Mindful

I was off Friday. Waking up when my body wanted to get up and leisurely taking my time. I had big plans, a list of todo items I wanted to get done, instead I went to take a nap and slept the afternoon away. When I woke I decided I was not going to push myself and enjoy this day of relaxation. To tell you the truth, I cannot tell you the last time I had such a relaxing day.

There has been a major shift in how I feel about what transpired, and I have let go. I don’t know what changed in me to have this shift, I just know it has changed in me. I am no longer torn about what has come to pass. I have not cried in days, not one tear. It feels good to not mourn anymore. It feels good to not think about her all the time, or when I do to not feel like I did. I feel like there are no longer feelings associated with her, (because something has been disconnected in me).

Choices, we all make choices we need to live with. Good or bad it doesn’t matter, as long as they are made in honest ways. These were made in deceitful untruthful ways and it isn’t I who must live with those consequences. Yes I still need to live with them, but not in the same way as someone who lies and is the cause. In time karma will come back, it does on us all, in one form or another.

My focus. My focus is now where it should have been all along, on me. What happened is something for the people who caused it, they must deal with it, I just need to focus on myself and what is best for me, oh and my dog! This time, this precious time I am embracing for there is a limited amount of time we all have living. To grow, that is my goal. My children, the two wonderful girls I have by my side, who love and support me, what a gift they are to me and to be in there lives and them in mine. I do not take for granted anyone who care for me.

I am surrounded by good people who care for me and have let me know they are there. That by far has been empowering and uplifting knowing they believe in and support me. They know the person I am and stand by me. It feels good, incredibly comforting knowing the support I have is because of who I am.

I live with transparency, I have integrity, I’m honest and I have deep moral values. I am proud of who I am. I will continue to grow and face my fears because this is my life and I want the most out of it as I can obtain. Life, my life, I am present in it.

Looking for Bliss

On the other side

Of sadness

Bliss I’ll grow bare

Steep Ascending staircases

Launched from despair

In hopes I will brandish

When I get up there

The loss of a loved one

No more do I see

Broken hearted

I cry about thee

Step by narrow step

I ascend in trepidation

Willing to find out

To feel elation

Goodbye to the past

Welcome what’s to come

Got to be better

Than what didn’t

Leave has me numb

The Teacup

Waking in, I looked for open seating and saw to the right there was ample choices to chose from. I chose a seat at the end of a row toward the back of the sanctuary by the windows, it was a lovely day and I needed the serenity. As the service started, a silence filled the room in reverence. Speaking first after the minister was the husband, his eulogy was light hearted and uplifting and filled with love, and then the daughter spoke. As she spoke I was brought to tears by her account of her relationship with her mother, the closeness that they had and the bond they shared and how deeply she clearly loved her mother. I thought of my youngest child, and what she had done to get me out of her life. Tears came forth and rolled down my cheeks, as I realized I would never have that type of relationship with my youngest, or have the closeness and love that this woman clearly had with her mother. I thought about how I had strived to be a parent all my daughters could depend on, count on and confide in, how I cherished being a mother and how much my children meant to me. I knew because of what my youngest had done to me she didn’t want me in her life, or that kind of relationship and bond with me. She clearly didn’t feel about me anywhere close to where this daughter did and where my other two daughters do for me. The feelings were overwhelming and an emptiness filled me as my heart became heavy from this realization.

I thought about the people who where my friends (or so I though), who had supported him and what he did. How they used my child to post pictures together with her and glorify what he had done and like the fact she was taken from me. I never would have thought that there would be people I knew who would have retaliated in such hostile aggressive ways, with so much angst and vindictiveness toward me. These people decided they had a say in my divorce and how it should transpire. They put themselves where they didn’t belong as if they were superior to me, telling me what shouldn’t have been done or what my children did wrong. I got question and ridiculed based on what my ex told them as if he wasn’t saying anything bad about us. I was even told he didn’t talk badly about us, but based on how I was questioned and judged, I was.

This entire process has been… incredibly difficult, especially because the actions taken toward me have been out of malice on every level. I did not willfully go into this process to be vindictive in any way, I went through this to set myself free and completely sever this person from my life. I gave and gave and gave, even through most of this process I gave to make the process easier, which didn’t happen, because he wouldn’t let it. I am sure nothing I could or would have done would have changed how this person wanted to make me pay. Right now it just won’t end.

I looked several times today at the glass teacup, one of the last things my daughter gave me. Since the day this all came to be I have thought of that teacup and one of the last things I said to her when we were together. I told her, “…I will never put you in the middle. You do not need to say things to me to act like you need to take sides or don’t like your dad, he is your dad and I know you love him. You don’t need to protect me or my feelings, I will never make you choose. I do not want to put you in a place you need to lie to him I don’t want your relationship with him to suffer in any way….” My feelings from the mere sight of this glass teacup brought an emptiness to me and a longing for paramount change in my life. I cry every day over how she purposely broke my heart and cast me aside, at what she said to me right before she barred me from her life, ” I hate you, I’ve always hated you and I have never loved you!” The deep deep anguish I feel over the destructiveness of her behavior and actions that I must live with is profound and by far the worst pain I have ever felt. I have no idea what caused her to change so drastically toward me almost overnight, but I would have done what ever it would have taken to work on what ever I needed to to keep her in my life and with me.

I know my ex husband wanted this to happen as he made sure I knew he was paying me back for what he perceives I did to him to be mean, when I did what I did I only did it to protect myself and move on. He thinks I am responsible for our other two daughters not talking to him and refused to see it was his actions toward them that caused the change toward him. Don’t get me wrong I do not like my ex, he did so many deplorable things to me over the years and during our divorce and even now I cannot believe I ever associated with someone so down right vindictive.

I realize I have to let go of all of this and move on. I need to come to terms with what is, but when I keep having to go to court, or deal with his shenanigans it doesn’t allow me to close those wounds enough to start to heal. I want them to heal, and I need to heal. I have accepted that my youngest has chosen her path and I will not be a part of her life anymore but it hasn’t stopped what I feel to stop. She was and will always be my child and I loved her so much.

The teacup, I don’t know if or when I will be able to use it again. I see it as a symbol of so many things in the dynamic that she created, as if the teacup and her are one and the same. I think about everything I went through with her and her mental illness and how hard it was to see her suffer. How painful it was to have her so broken, the hurt and anguish she dealt with daily and how hollow of a person she became. All the issues with her wanting to end her life and how I made sure she was never left alone, for about five years I became her shadow. I was so over protective of her, and her feelings, fighting for her in anyway, because I needed to save her from her illness and I refused to let it win. I made sure she took care of herself, took her medication, went to counseling (as often as she needed) no matter the cost. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. Nothing. I tried to imbue her with the love I felt for her, but in the end it didn’t matter.

I have no idea what will happen nor do I believe in our judicial system or that it is partial and fair, not anymore. I do not believe people like my ex husband have goodness in them and are capable of good things, especially seeing the insidious way he has lashed out at me. On the very day of our divorce he announced how wonderful his girlfriend was to him by insinuating I wasn’t, or how he told me he would do everything in his power to have the money we had left run out and cause me to file bankruptcy or telling me to sign over rights to our daughter like she was a pawn. I have learned abusers like my ex will get into relationships quickly, move in and profess their love all to keep their cycle going and hide who they are, that is until they know for sure they have their victim hooked. In time his girlfriend will hopefully see who he really is. My guess is her ex was also an abuser and she is overlooking aspects of my ex and that her gut feeling/voice of doubt she has been dismissed because she doesn’t want to be alone. She settled just as I did and like I did she will pay a high price.

It hurts I lost my daughter and my ex’s girlfriend, who has no understanding of what it means to be a mother, (she never had children), let alone the issues my daughter has is helping to raise her. The loss and now silent person I will always be in her life, erased as I have never existed is deeply painful. It has carried over to all aspects of my life in ways that I could have never imagined. If I could I would erase her from memory just to stop the pain I live with.

You may be wondering why it seems like I have had a set back, because the feelings I have were brought back tenfold when I went back to live with my dad. The glass tea cup was also there along with the painful memories. The child I bore and loved with my every molecule, hurt me and forever changed my life. I am moving forward, I see it and feel it, even if it is ever so slow. Progress is still progress and I will succeed.