Out on the Horizon

In some ways it’s as if time has stood endlessly still. Life can feel like that, especially when faced with grave difficulties, a key factor in my daily life, day in and day out, as of late. I do not shy away from facing perils that come forth, even when forlorn circumstances are the cause and all but take over life. It might take time, (lots of time) and an over abundance of tears, but I do not give up, it’s just not in me. I find the means to face what I must and overcome it, I have to; giving up is not an option, has never been an option.

I have used this time, my time, a commodity that is so precious (due to the limited amount we have), to work on bettering myself. I have used my pain and grief to push my boundaries and my comfort zone more than I ever fathomed I could. It has taken an enormous amount of effort to be able to use my despondency as a vector for self improvement, but I prove daily I can. Learning how to let go and focusing on the moment, along with being present in that moment has become my saving grace, however like anything in life it has been a work in progress. Aren’t we all works in progress when we work toward betterment?

I feel blessed by the outpouring of people who not only believe(d) in me but have been my support. The concern and care and above all the love I have felt has not been taken for granted or overlooked, not once by me. It’s as if the kindness and love poured out into me, growing within me to guide me toward my personal growth. Overcoming personal obstacles is possible it just takes time and above all work and a strong support system. Nothing in life happens overnight, even if we wished it would!

There are times, but they are becoming fewer and father apart, that those emotions bubble up and overload me, and I find an overwhelming presence within me. I have chosen to work on understanding those feelings, especially the ones that surge within me on a deep level, over what I have had been dealt. I have analyzed and removed layer after layer, to become more authentic in my life and more aware. By helping myself I’ve grown and transform (many of) those broken parts, so I can heal and work on reaching my full potential in as many aspects of my life as possible. It’s my time to reach out to the horizon and grow with the sunrise.

My journey for self revelation and insight has a long way to go (still), but I have come to know I have the perseverance and strength inside of me, to conquer the most gut wrenching anguishing times, even if it doesn’t feel like I do. I put as much as I could into me, focusing on my needs in a way I have never done and taking as much as I could moment by moment. By reminding myself I am only human, has helped me as I continue to let go. The letting go and living in the moment is far harder for a person like me who has a type A personality, but i have set a goal and I plan to achieve it.

My sense of the world has been peppered with positive and negative experiences due to the circumstances I have had to struggle with. I have been abundantly surrounded by care, and the most loving people, even while I dealt with heinous individuals who I learned were not people I wanted around me any longer. It was with the clarity of circumstance in seeing those people as they actually were, that I struggle with most of all. How anyone would find pleasure in what transpired (when it had nothing to do with them) and use it to hurt me, (actually to hurt anyone in that manner) is beyond me and clearly is a testament to the people they have become or always were. While I have not yet gotten to the point I can forgive, I have let go enough (right now), which is progress. Much of life is a process of choices, right or wrong, until we reach a final outcome. I want to make my life choices derivatives of only the positive.

I struggled in coming to terms with their joy in purposely hurting me. It made me question everything about my life; who they were, who I was and why I was valued so little. Not that understand would have change what they did, (by any means), but I knew how I would treat someone else and was shocked I was so wrong about who these people were. That I had these people in my life for years and considered them friends, when push came to shove it left me feeling like I had the life sucked out of me and wanted to vomit. It acrimoniously opened my eyes to the negative way in which some people really are. I remember staring wide eyed in shock as tears ran down my face. I had been cast aside, treated ultimately like garbage and was still being told what I should have done while they defended the person. I realized it didn’t matter who I was, because I didn’t mean anything to them and they felt powerful in treating me how they had. The person they defended, well it came down to the fact they were probably more like that person then they ever were like me. Yes it hurt, it hurt bitterly, but I decided it was better to not have them in my life any more, they were not like me and they definitely were not worth my time. I realized I had to stop settling and see my own worth.

Over the last several months much has changed for me in my life. I was not so sure the catalyst that caused these changes was necessarily good, but I have seen good come from the catalyst. Besides, this is my life and only I can improve the quality of it and the type of people who are in it and ultimately what I want out of my life. Having to let go of the security from people you love(d) or once cared for and held dear, has been one of the most difficult aspects of life I have encountered, but as time passes it has become easier, even when, having catastrophic events happen simultaneously with those losses. Not only were the loss hard, but so too was the process of coming to terms with what was/is. You learn to live in the moment and make changes to help yourself or you fold- I was not folding.

I can honestly say the vast majority of people have been kind and supportive of me as I move(d) through and process all of this, evolve and grow. I’ve made some good friends who care about me deeply and I them. It is with such love and pride however, I mention my two daughters. They both have stood by me, loving and supporting me, making sure, constantly making sure I knew unequivocally that I was loved by them and supported fully. In some ways they are with me always, be it by calls, texts or visits and I love them so much! They both have been a powerful source of my happiness and growth.

Based on my experience from the recent past events the person I am now is in direct correlation to those events. From my life experience, and who I am, I would neverlecture someone on how they should conduct their live, or portent to imply I have walked in their shoes. How does that help anyway? It is the vastness of despair I suffered with in which my transformation was able to start and now is taking place. I have gone through a tremendous amount and while I hope to never have such pain again, where I am now and the strides I have made make me so proud of myself. I have let go of what happened, let go of the people who celebrated what happened and those who were, well, terrible to me. I deserve better and I am better than how I was treated. I know I am now at the point I know it will never happen again because I will never put myself in that place again.

From great loss and sorrow I’ve induced change to have a life I can be proud of: daughters that can see me grow in fortitude and temperament, friends who can see I’ve overcome my pain and loss and worked toward betterment and coworkers who know what transpired and know I won’t stop from being the best employee and coworker I can.

My life is mine, always mine. I am strong, beautiful and loved. Loved by others, my two daughters, but especially love by me, the person I am now.

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