Over the course of the last few days strong emotions that pertain to some past personal experiences have been making waves, keeping me on my toes. I am not good at being on my toes as it is, but whenever these old feelings come forth, I am sucked in a proverbial rut and relive all the old emotions. As I down slide into the overwhelming feelings I am faced with, a painfully deep need to cry takes root as the emotions grows inside the empty preformed ruts of despair.
Overall much of my mindset and predisposition has been well, moving forward with strength and determinations as I delve into understanding myself better. We all think we know ourselves, but really the vast majority of people don’t really understand or know themselves on a deep level because they are afraid to make choices, changes and push boundaries as well as learn why they feel how they do. A vast majority of people don’t deal with emotions, feelings, thoughts, discomfort or understand the feelings behind them.
Let me say this, I never again want to become stagnate in my life where I am just barely living. I gave up who I was for many years to raise my children, (which I would do again in a heart beat), but I will not raise a husband or parent one like I did for close to twenty-five years with my now ex. In the the end I was give the awful experience of feeling his wrath of vindictiveness in its rawness. My words were twisted by him and used to manipulate me and the situation so he could hurt me. I won’t lie, it has hurt, but in the end I am not the one who will suffer. What he set in motion has been done and it makes me realize even more how much he did to me over the years and why I did the right thing by getting out. All the awful things he did, so many terrible things, people knew what he did to me, and yet he is the one people support and believe. That by far is one of the most painful realization to not only fathom, but try to accept and come to terms with.
All the heinous diplorable things he did to me, over and over, yet I am the bad person who must pay? I dealt with his lies and manipulations and am still blamed for things I didn’t do. I am in no way perfect, and to show you how imperfect I am, I might even throw out your saved recycling without asking, you know waste you don’t want. However when it comes down to it, I am good at keeping records and being organized so while you think I have no method for what I do, think again. I’m just not good at engineering someones ultimate down fall or even thinking that way. First off I am too moral, and second, I wouldn’t even begin to know how to think like that. I have come to find out, especially as I have become more independent and self assured, I am not good at hostile vicious ultimatums. If you leave, I won’t take you back, is not a healthy way to get what you want, at least think so.
Threats don’t do much for me any more. At one time I would have though of those types of threats as a reflection of me but I now realize it is a reflection of the person saying such awful things. I know find when I am put in those positions I will dig my heals in and accept the consequences handed to me. Especially because no one but me has power over me, and only I control my actions. I have lost out on things I wanted due to these type of power struggles, but I will not be at another persons mercy, even if they are family whom I dearly love. In case it isn’t clear, I am a person and you are no better than me, even if you think so and I will not compromise my values or integrity and get into who is superior because you feel you deserve control.
In the interim as I continue to finally become the person I was afraid to be for so long, I will continue to strive for a meaningful life surrounded by my two daughters and their love for me. I will work on (not) rehashing the losses closes to my heart and not allow words to come out of my mouth hoping they will change the outcome or somehow open a pathway of understanding to change the outcome of what has come to pass. I need to let go and accept where I am, even if I don’t like it. By working on ways to accept those hard life altering experiences, just maybe I can let go enough to fulfill my desires, and accept what I cannot change.
I no longer want nor do I accept I deserve status quo in any aspect of my life. As I come to terms with the all to recent past it has taught me a valuable lesson on how quickly people you love will turn on you. It really doesn’t matter if you love and need them, or what you do for them or give up for them, if they don’t see the worth of your actions or even you as a person, it means absolutly nothing. In addition I have found best practice is to check with the person you have compromised feelings about or your mind can misconstrued so much. I know easier said than done, thats when you need to listen to that inner voice, it always knows I have found; it always knows. I know this month I have many things on my plate to take care of; intellectually, physically, emotionally, financially, in a rubrical way, and all might be though of in an afterthought when I analyze it, but I assure you it none of it to me is an afterthought in what it means to me.
I wish I could articulately express and clarify what is happening within me and how on so many levels I am growing in amazing ways. I would have given anything and everything to have my one child by my side, but games have a way of changing the rules, especially when the rules have been bent and made up. So rather that wallow in pain and lick my wounds, I am wading into deeper waters and exploring the facets life hold in store for me. I won’t be boxed in and stuffed with clutter waiting for change. I am a free spirit and plan to spread my wings as the air takes me up into the sky and fly free.