The Spirit of Santa

I woke to a dusting of snow, cold and dark. I like snow, I like the crispness of the air and usually I like the holiday season. When I reached adulthood it became a (more) meaningful time, in part due to my children, but mostly because of the symbolism of what this time of year means (other than a religious holiday). Even as my children grew the magic of the holiday seemed so real for me with them around. I didn’t spend an extravagant amount of money on them by any means, and I usually made gifts for them given by me, but I instilled (or hope I did) that Christmas was about family, love, spending time together, the beauty around them, and the magic of the season. I wanted to impress upon them that being together and connecting to each other was important, and wasn’t about what was bought.

When my children were young, I created as much realism around the spirit of Santa to keep hope, innocents, and magic alive in them. By creating the belief in myself for who Santa was; a magical persons who loved children and would make obscure dreams come true; (for as long as I possible could), I allowed them to believe in dreams and infinite possibilities. I used different wrapping paper, wrote in a different handwriting, used Santa stationary to leave personalized notes, and everyone (especially my older children), knew and followed my saying, “Those that believe in Santa get gifts.” My older children who knew Santa wasn’t a real person but a feeling, always imply Santa was the only one who gave gifts they just dreamt about and were convincing, they knew it was about the magic of the holiday and the innocents of being a child.

When I was eight my hope that someone had my back and would look out for me, Santa, was taken away as well as my innocences in our world. I couldn’t grapple with the notion there was no one looking out for me who unconditionally loved me and wanted me to be happy, I was utterly destroyed when I found out. I cried and really mourned my loss, (for many years), it hurt deeply as if a cataclysmic gorge had opened in me. I painfully knew no one would come and save me from my life and love me. I never wanted to take that gift in believing in magic and the altruism of what Santa stood for away from my children, especially because I wanted them to know how much I loved them and that the world was a good place.

There is something about the purity of a child and their innocents that lends to the power in believing in the magic of Santa even as an adult, and having a deep connection with possibility. The possibility of not just Santa and his magic, but what we create as individuals when we have the ability to believe what feels impossible can be possible. There is so much in life that we need to just believe can happen and be possible including where we can go in life. When you believe in the possibility you see the world as a positive and happy place, you see the good and potential. Just by believing in the possibility of something being possible, well, it can be a catalyst to motivate you to try and ultimately succeed.

By allowing my children to believe in the innocents of Santa and his magic and what he stood for, I’d like to think it gave them the courage and strength to carve out a path for themselves in ways I never had. That soft warmth of love just because, is such an amazing feeling. I can still recall the inhospitable feelings of apprehension and uncertainty I felt when I was a child, even at the holiday season and how fearful I was of being myself. I think in many ways I see that Christmastime should be about being allowed to just be, be yourself, be wanted, be needed, be loved, be happy, and yes it should carry over the entire year. When I had kids, I impressed upon them good feelings of what Christmas and life should mean because they deserve every happiness and joy. To me family and my children have always been and will be the cornerstone of my existence.


Salisbury Steak of Life

Falling asleep fast and soundly I woke at what I assumed was my time to wake up,5:40 am. It indeed was not my time to wake up, it was only 11:00 pm, groaning I closed my eyes and knew I was in for a long night. I woke three times over the course of my sleep schedule, once due to cold feet, the rest from worry over oversleeping. Nothing I have been doing has helped to rectify the quality of sleep I have experienced, but come Friday night when I lay down, I know I will sleep deeply, long and content. For now I look forward to the time when my sleep once again will be sound and healthy. I’m sure much of how I sleep now is associated with the negative chaos that has been happening in my life; it comes out whenever and wherever it can.

The good thing about my choppy sleep last night is I got to work early! Being up earlier than I needed to be gave me time to make my hot tea and process my thoughts, and take a moment without rushing. I was anxiety free leaving and on the drive to work setting my day up on a positive note. I have many things to accomplish this week that are time sensitive and I know I can knock them out and not get worked up about them, (as long as I pace myself). I can control that at least and that gives me a sense of security and needed structure in my life. The control over aspects of my life that I don’t ultimately have but I need, I hope I will eventually gain back some semblance of control. There is so much in my life right now that I have no predictability over and that is what is causing me so much angst. I realize many things in our lives we have no (real) control or predictability over, but the things I should have the ability to control, I don’t. I understand and I see much more clearly all the things in my life that I react to due to anxiety and the loss of structure and the control that comes with it. If what I have been going through has taught me anything, it has taught me how much anxiety I’ve had, and have and how much it has controlled me, much more than I have ever realized. Now I have the big picture of myself (thanks), I can begin to work on and help myself to over come aspects I just assumed were part of me, but were actually anxiety driven.

I’m not saying anxiety is a bad thing, but when it is proportionately out of wack and is what drives you, it is not healthy. So in the interim, I will take time to improve whatever I can about myself and my life overall to remove the ambient effects. I have learned so much about myself and parts of myself that I’d like to improve on or overhaul and find a new way. It’s been such an unyielding time for me (and my daughters) and seeing who I am and becoming ameliorated is important to me. In addition, recognizing and discerning other people for who they are, neither in good or bad ways, just for who they are has opened my eyes. People I thought I could depend on emotionally for support I could not at all, people I knew for years turned on me and my world disintegrated around me as the person my ex actually was cane to light, al very eye opening. I realize more now than ever how much anxiety I have carried with me for so long… I seriously need to change how I let life affect me.

I am overhaul myself, critically thinking about the why or how I react and interact with poignant aspects of my current life, I’m analyzing my daily overall life and the stressors in my life that trigger me. I realize it can be such an unhealthy way of interacting with the world, especially when so much many aspects of my life seem anxiety driven. Not that I want to come across as saintly but I think there is something to be said for coming across as calm and collected; ie controlled. Hopefully my life will start to allow for these changes I want to and need to make, I’m sure it will improve my quality of life. If you haven’t noticed I’m not good at just letting things go. I hold on to them for a long time and it takes me a long time to work through what ever it is I’m dealing with at the time. Not good and not healthy.

The other day at court I saw how anxious my ex husband seemed to be when he asked the judge the same question I posed months earlier, when I was in his place. I knew how he must of felt, but in that moment I though I didn’t need to worry anymore, and he would come to feel much like I did. I can tell you this, it was awful struggling to provide for the needs of another, and not being able to, there were so many things I did without and cried often over how hard it was, and while his actions were geared to hurt me they relieved a burden (I was happy to take) but no longer had to. I just wish he would have truly seen the effects on our children. Please, I am no saint and know I have also affected my children, but there isn’t a day that goes by that they are not the first thing my heart goes to. I have made mistakes in my approach and if I knew then what I know now I would have done anything to spare them, I would have been so different for them. I stayed in marriage because I though I was doing the right thing for them, but in the end I know it would have been had it not been for my ex’s acrimonious behavior.

I love my children and hate what divorce did to them. The stress and upheaval it cause them, I know it has changed them, because the stress has changed me.

Voice of Anxiety

My writing has been a rambling of jumbled mess, my life mimics my writing in insurmountableways, along with those of my thoughts and feelings.  I’ve been overwhelmed with the meriade of life changing steps I’ve had no choice but to take, and hope I can keep my anxiety more in check than I have. I cannot recall ever having anxiety this bad,not only do I hate it, but I have to act like I don’t have it and work diligently on keeping it together.  I’m sure a good portion of you probably have seen my anxiety in my writing, as it has infiltrated every part of my life. Anxiety is one of those feelings that if I could cut off a body part to not have it, I’d do it right now, that’s how detrimental it is and has been for me.

In the last day or so I’ve come to some conclusions and realizations. Depending on the moment I either feel no anxiety or so much I feel like I’m jumping out of my skin, my stomach feels as if I’m on a rollercoaster and I can feel stress on my heart and almost feel as if I need to vomit and at times it makes me cry. Don’t worry I’m healthy, but the anxiety takes hold and I can really feel it’s affects on my body and mind. It’s awful. No matter how much I try the anxiety seeps in and causes havoc, destroying my confidence and making me feel inadequate by bringing old feelings to the surface. I not only have to contend with what’s going on in my life but I have to deal with myself and keep pushing forward and dealing with old feelings that pair with what’s going on now.

I know moving forward is the only way to go, but doing it and having to depend on only myself, (no family) makes it so darn difficult. I want to give up so much. It comes at me so fast and there is so much. I can fee the tax on my body, and mind. Which brings me to a realization I had, but first a disclaimer, I am sharing insight not contemplating what I’m going to express. The people who succeed at suicide need more than a suggestion of a hotline number and being told if you need help call to get help. If they are going to end their life you will not stop them with a number, or suggestion they call for help. What you need to do is you need to connect with the person on a personal emotional level and give them what they don’t have, hope and love for who they are. Don’t berate or yell at them, be kind. Do you really think if a person was in a good place emotionally they would just end their life?

I have been dealing with so much upheaval and uncertainty for a few years now but now the last six months have been the hardest. The other day some personal encounters cleared my mind of a few of the things that add to the heaviness I have been caring. Hopefully it will continue, but I need support, emotional support and love. I didn’t chose where I am in life (at present) but by improving my circumstances it helps to quell the surge of anxiety that has taken hold. I’d like nothing more than to feel the security and happiness I did just 6 months ago.

The people that come out the other side, I guarantee it was because someone(s) gave emotionally and just loved them for who they were and where they were. I think I’m improving, but this is how I feel right now, this very moment. I hope it continues with no setbacks, fingers crossed. I don’t want my life to feel like all I am doing is struggling, and that’s what I am doing. It sucks the life out of me and makes me so tired. I want nothing more than to feel good about life again and have some of the things that matter most to me in my life again. I am hoping to relocate the feelings of anxiety I have into something I can benefit from, because right now, I’m not benefiting.

I’ve never been one to let my life stagnate (not like this) and the unhealthiness for which I’m stuck in makes me feel so helpless. It has to end, I’m not helpless.

The Unrest of Pain

The unrest I have been feeling in my life with my current situation, well, it is unreal. Just unreal.  I struggle daily to be able to deal with all the pressure and stress I’m under and to be able to make sense of the injustice that came about on so many levels.  Yes I am depressed.  I have tried to not be, worked on moving forward and to not dwell,  but the fact remains I cannot move forward until all this garbage my ex is throwing at me stops.

I woke today, not wanting to get up even though I had already slept in, I looked at the clock and saw it was after 8:00 am.  Not wanting to get up, I set my alarm a bit later, closed my eyes and went back to sleep.  At my age I hear people need less sleep, bha, I need more and any chance I get, I will sleep in.

I guess it was a good thing I didn’t sleep all that late, first and foremost, I had an appointment, but more importantly it was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining and the air smelled of autumn and leaves.  Off in the distance I could smell a fire, a relaxing scent, and very calming.  I felt happier by myself than I have in a long time, a huge accomplishment and relaxed in a way I desperately needed.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any issues being by myself and normally I don’t find it depressing, what I find depressing when I am alone, is my mind focuses on the current list of problems I have an over abundance of and it feels lonely.  The loneliness is what kills you.

Day in and day out I work on coming to terms with what is, what I don’t want and yet I have to find a way to let go of it all and move on.  It’s the overwhelming voice in my head from my past that dictates how I feel about myself when times are bad.  That voice is the voice that holds me back and prevents me from thinking that what I am going through is normal and a result of the person I was told I was in my childhood – no good and unlovable and not worthy of life.  I know that all sounds too far fetched, but really it was worse than that

I do like who I am and think I’m a pretty great person, that is until the words often spoken to me echo in my head,  “You’re a goddamn dummy, no one loves you,  you’re a stupid ugly child.”  and then I think, well these were people who should have loved me maybe they were right.  Put into play my ex husband who played on those insecurities by harmlessly (so he said) poking fun of me and demeaning me, and later concocted stories so he could avoid paying me anything he owed me, which give you a you a woman, who struggles every day to overcome her history and her past.

I do not want my life to feel as it does, I don’t want to have to struggle as hard as I have had to.  Every day I wish I could have the support of someone in my family to tell me it will be alright and I am loved by them, but neither of my parents (who are still alive) should have had children.  If I showed the slightest bit of sorrow or tears my dad would say what the hell is wrong with you and mock me.  My mom only cared about me when someone else was around and I severed ties long ago with her.   Now I am doing that with my father.  I do not deserve or need his destructive and conniving behavior and telling me I am less of a person than I am.  You cannot imagine how isolating it is knowing I have no family who wants me or thought anything of me growing up and now my own child (who lied about me) feels the same.  I have to say it has made me wonder so much about my reasons for being alive and part of a world that has seemed to tell me so often I do not belong.

I have worked hard to over come so much of my past and yet no matter where I go in life, it not only follows me but it takes over my life in such a way I am told I am dwelling on my issues and not working to moving forward.  I am tired of hearing my daughter will come back to me.  The point is she did this in the first place and didn’t consider me in any way as having any worth or value as her mother or the countless ways I showed her the love I had for her.  I did none of the things to her I had done to me and which happen in my childhood and over my lifetime. I would give anything to be able to feel I was loved by my parents.

My dad thinks the only thing I or my children want is money from him.  That’s the only thing he is willing partially to give, he doesn’t give love or treat you with kindness or respect, but don’t cross his line.  I used to think he loved me, but I don’t feel that way any more after the last year and all he had done to me.  I was told by him I was worthless and would be a nobody if it wasn’t for him.  I don’t do drugs, I don’t steal, I honest, hardworking and kind.  The only thing I haven’t done is think I have enough in me to make something of myself.  That has changed with the changing of my tide.

I have to find a way to move forward and make something of myself in a way I can take care of myself self-sufficiently,  I now realize I will always be alone when it comes to having a family who loves and cares for me.  But I have to tell you it makes it so hard when I have to go through gut wrenching difficulty like I am now.  So many people do not know how blessed they are to have a family willing to support, help and show them love.  What I would give.

Today is the first day in a long time I only feel mildly depressed.  I am trying to move on but I am getting sick of being told it will get better when it has gotten worse, exponetionally worse each year for the last 6 years.  I don’t know what I am not doing to stop the cycle, but it has to end at some time, it just has to.  I can tell you I have worked most of the time I was married to improve myself and work on who I was.  I went back to school got an associates, graduating with honors.  I reworked myself and became a kinder and more caring person and did everything I could to help my daughter to feel loved and acceptance from me in each and every way possible.  I took time to work with my children , help them in any way I could and spend time with them. I wanted to give them what I never had.

At one point in time I hated children, but now I see how important it is to show children how much you love and care for them.  Speaking kind to them by actions and words is so important, especially at a very early age when who they are and how they feel about themselves is being developed.  I see how my scares have been transferred to my children and as I get older I so badly want to make a difference in as many children’s lives as I can.  No one should have to endure what I did growing up, let alone what I did as I aged.

Maybe someday soon my life will have meaning and I will have over come, all of this, or maybe I won’t.  Only the passage of time, (which we all have a set amount of) will reveal if indeed I will have some meaning and good things come my way, because I cannot continue to live like this – and I am trying incredibly hard.


No More!

My life is a messed up, crazy bonafide zoo. There has been no stability for years, except the piercing molten hot daggers coming at me, one after another, nonstop. First from my now ex husband and also from my father and now my daughter. In many respects they are all peas in a pod, abusive and selfish emotionally and disingenuous . As a result of everything I’ve had come at me and had to deal with, it has taken its toll on me and I have come to the conclusion I want nothing to do with them. With my ex that was already determined.

During one of my many discussion with people over the multitude of “problems” I’ve had to work through (in which they all have pretty much said the same thing), I have finally realized I need to stop caring about my daughter and wondering why she did what she did. It doesn’t matter why she did what she did, and it doesn’t matter why she doesn’t care for me, she is gone by choices she made and has to learn to be accountable for the things she says and does. She has pain and disasters trailing behind her. She won’t find happiness behaving in the manner she is known for and in the end it won’t change how she feels about herself and her life, (or her perception of me), until she acknowledge what she has done and what she does and ultimately learn to work through her illness and want to get better. I gave everything to help her and she chose to lie and cut me out of her life and she had to live with it.

I on the other hand need to find my sparkle and old self, the person I lost when I grieved her loss and what she did to me. Why grieve for her? Really? She (and her father) made up everything that happened and lied about me, a person she said she loved. She doesn’t love me. You don’t do that to someone you love. Have your way and leave me alone, you have done enough damage and caused enough pain and are destructive.

Happiness comes from within, starts with your thoughts and feelings, and perceptions. Believe it or not I am an outgoing happy person, I’m positive and hard working and helpful. I love life, well I did until this happened and I realized how little my child though of me and the things I did to help her. I did until I realized my ex’s only motivation was to hurt me and make me pay under all costs. I did until I came to terms with how terrible my father really is. I was a hands on mother always there, but in the end it didn’t matter, neither did the love and care I showed her, it just didn’t matter. For me it was about giving and showing love by hugging, doing things together, cooking, riding bikes, making things for her and talking nicely to her and soothing her, but none of that mattered to her. She would rather be materialistic and superficial and be bought with possessions and be allowed to do what ever she wanted. I’m a nobody to her, and a nobody I will always be to her. Boy what a dummy I was, so stupid.

Never again will I think loving someone in the most genuine and caring of ways would mean something, anything. What a fool I was, a stupid, stupid fool. Everything I’ve lost. I’m done. I am so done! I fought for all my children (to help them to be successful) for so long, for what?! Really? I’ve reached the end of my rope. No more. No more.

Change of this Fool

Everything changes and has changed in my life in ways I would have never imagined, and at this point in time not for the better. Instead of seeing everything that has happened recently as a blessing I see it as a devastating loss and grapple with the pain. Don’t get me wrong, I might be crying poor me, but I am not sitting around not trying to better myself or move on. I will move on, I will. It’s just that what has come my way was a whammy on all accounts.

I have worked hard to remove the images of what happened from my mind, and not dwell or focus on them so I can get to a serene place and work on healing. I focus on as many positive aspects of life that bring me comfort; nature, work, my two daughters who are still with me and love me, my dog and my friends who have loved and helped me. But somehow I get caught in a loop, feel my loss and the pain that comes with it knowing what is, is, the tears flow and more doubts come to mind. I know, it is clearly not healthy. It isn’t. I seek serenity and I find more sorrow.

Today, I felt more in control with my emotions, but I now realize I can no longer even think of what has brought me to my knees, let alone talk about it. The pain is too great and I keep reopening it when I let any thoughts or feelings come forth. These precarious happening are not due to me but the feelings I struggle with are, and I am allowing them to hold me back. No matter how many tears I cry it will not change, so I must. I need to on all accounts push every though out that caused this and no longer allow it to come into my mind. I’ve dwelled on this too long. I need to empower myself.

Empowerment. I’m a huge advocate on empowering yourself and believing in yourself but I realize now I have not been doing that for myself. I have during this entire scenario second guessed who I was and what I did or didn’t do, but the truth is I did nothing but take my life back. I know I am a good person, I love deeply, I am a phenomenal mother, and I did a great job raising my children. I am loved at my job and I know I am valued by every person I work wit because of how they talk to me, treat me and help me. My daughters, the two who have stuck by me, tell me often how much they value me and yet, I didn’t see my value or value myself. I realize now I was seeing myself through my past abuser eyes and equating how they treated me with who I was. I am no longer going to allow their past treatment of me to reflect on me and define who I am. They are miserable, unhappy, loathsome people who do not care who they hurt. I have for too long wished for the love and care a parent should give a child and never gotten, from not one parent but both. I am done, completely done with wanting my fathers love, respect and care, we won’t even get into his lack of loyalty, (and years ago I let what I wanted from my mother go for the same reason). I am sure I will do far better then they have ever estimated I would be just based on how they have valued themselves, just watch me! I needed my parents but now I want neither of them and do not want either of them in my life anymore. They don’t even love themselves.

I have gotten to where I am in life much on my own with no one in my nuclear family supporting me emotionally. (Thankfully I’ve received support from friends). I have built myself up and overcome ever dark obstacles put in my way. I am not weak, I am sensitive and emotional and let my emotions get to me, but I am a strong, determined woman who will not give up when I want something and I will put everything into getting what I need. I am not allowing another person to ever again hurt me in these ways, period. I don’t care who it is. You lost me I didn’t lose you.

I now know why I wasn’t moving forward. It really was a combination of things. I was allowing past treatment of me to dictate how I saw myself and how I saw my value. I allowed what was done to me and my lack of family support to make me feel alone and unloved. I am well liked and deeply loved and I can do this, I just have to believe it.

I will do this. I intend on doing this. I need to put my own self worth back into myself and accept my own voice as right and let go of all self doubt. My daughter is gone by her own accord, no amount of mourning will change that, and even if it did it wouldn’t change what she did. As hard as what came to pass is it won’t change due to my sorrow. She has shown she doesn’t love me (in a healthy way) and doesn’t want me in her life, and she will need to live with the consequences of her actions.

No I do not know what the future holds other than we all will die. When, who knows, but I cannot wait around for her on the slight chance things change, I need to move on. I gave her so much of who I was, I would have moved heaven and Earth to help her in any way possible, I would have given my life for hers. Alas now I have had our ties severed and she, well… is no longer in my life at all. Possibly never again. May she be able to live with what she did and come to terms with it in heathy ways.

I cannot think about, or care anymore and I must let go. I need to put myself first and learn my own importance, I definitely know it has nothing to do with her, as she has clearly shown me with her actions. Do I love her, yes. However I cannot have such an unstable person in my life who hates me and will act out to get her way. If one day she has changed and wants me back in her life, well the chance is higher, but she has never treated me like I am an important to her even as her mother.

In time I might feel different, but this is all on her and her father who orchestrated this and I cannot try to unravel it. I’m done.

I need to be. I must move on.

Movement of time

Today, yes today, I feel, well I feel ok emotionally. I’m exhausted otherwise, but I feel more in control of my feelings and know my thoughts won’t take over in any way. I feel good about that. (It’s about time!)

So why I am I exhausted? Well I didn’t have insomnia which was wonderful, but something startled me awake and I was up for about 30 minutes, soooo when this morning came it seemed way too soon, plus when you have a headache upon waking it says something. That makes tonight an early night!!! Bed here I come! Lol!

We take for granted simple things that are beautiful, like the rising sun lighting up one side of the bark and bare branches of a tree in late fall. I gaze at the beauty in this simplistic sight. I look at the sky and see dark cloud cover being pushed aside from the rising sun, or is it an accompanying cold front? Either way it is visually stimulating.

The bareness of the trees, (most of them), allow you to really study the exposed bark and see the many variations, such as texture, size, whether moss is growing or not, color of the bark and you can see the left over nest no longer hidden by leaves. Seeing the trees like this and looking at them over the cold months for any changes helps me to realize there is still lots of life present even while in a semi dormant state.

I try not to expect but instead take in what I see in all aspects of my life. I also (try to) only move forward and not look back, however as of late I was looking to what I’ve lost in the last several months and was looking back. Mourning loss of any magnitude is one of the most difficult things I have had to move through and endure as I keep feeing the loss over and over in spades. The purposeful actions hurt, but I can only move one-way, forward. Looking back will not change anything and will only hurt me.

Over analyzing and studying what has past is only hurting me, I can’t change it and going over it only causes me undue pain. I cannot predict any outcome and trying to is also hurting me. I will have good days and bad days and as time goes on I will have more good days until hopefully one day I will no longer feel so much heartache. Living with someone’s else’s truth even if they were manipulations of partial truths will not and have not changed where my life has gone but has just created a lifetime loss I now must live with. There is nothing else I can do.

Seasons will come and go, years will pass and time will go by. I will age and change and you will move on not knowing me or I knowing you… any longer. I will no longer know your likes or dislikes or even who you are. As if you were never my child to being with.

And time continues,

Moving on.