The Root of Forgiveness

What does it mean to forgive?  For me it is a process I am working on, that like anything in life must start out small and grow, much like a tree that starts off from seed, to grow into a large tree that bares fruit, so too is my forgiveness process.  A seed of thought is planted on why forgiveness is so important, taking root and as it takes hold in the ground, and grows and new branches grow, all the things I must work on forgiving this person come forth.  When my tree bares fruit I will, at least I so believe, I will have  released everything I have had to overcome and forgive this person for.

The pain and suffering he has caused and continues to cause me, well it is easy to get angry and point toward him for all the misgivings he has done throughout the years, but the truth of the matter is, if I continue to focus on all the ways he hurt me over the years, not only will I continue to relive it, but instead of improving and moving on, I will get worse. By rehashing those negatively impactful experiences I will keep experiencing over and over what he did.  This is not a healthy way to go about life, plain and simple.

My plan of action, is to take every branch of my tree and decide how best to handle it.  Will I prune it, cut it off completely or allow it to be?  If I prune it, I will take off the parts that hurt and leave the rest, if I cut it off completely, I will get out everything about what hurts, but if I allow it to stay its existence serves as what it is, there.  In each circumstance, I will have to forgive so I can move on and heal.  I need my tree to not only grow leaves, but bare its fruit of forgiveness.

When I think about my tree, I can see it as a seedling plump with moisture with a small strong root base growing down into the ground, while the stem strong but resilient has the capacity to move with change.  It, much like me, is strong and can adapt to many changes.  I see myself in the early stages of growth in my forgiveness process.  The shoots are starting to jet out, to grow into each branch I must carefully take care of.  In this process I keep visualizing how I want my tree to look and be seen, how I want to be seen.

I have allowed myself many unfortunate experiences caused by his actions.  Marred with lies, deceit, negativity and ultimately scars, which have caused me deep pain in the end.  It has hurt the children I love more than anything in this world, and one to be used at the hands of this person, or so I believe. I have held on for longer than was healthy, allowing him to poison the very ground I was growing from.  I see that now.  I wish I had seen it sooner, but truth be told I wanted him to be held accountable for the things he has done.  I wanted Karma to repay him.  I thought by putting out there the things he did, it would somehow cause him to feel bad for what he has done and others would see and turn on him.

The only thing that has happened is it hurt me.  He used the one thing he knew would cause me the most pain, and I allowed it to hurt me.  I allowed him the ability to control how I felt and thereby giving him power over me.  He didn’t behave in a better way, on the contrary, he behaved as I should have expected.  When I realized how difficult the experience was for me and that he behaved in the extremely  negative cutthroat manner he is accustom to, I realized in my grief I had to let go.  I was expecting this person to want to be morally a good person, to think of how his actions caused harm, but I was putting my beliefs on him.  This is who I am.

The act of forgiveness, is not an easy process.  As I see it, you need to work through the pain, relive it, and grow from the experience.  You are, when you forgive, looking inside of yourself to see what is hanging you up and come to terms with it. In many ways you let go of the pain and no longer see it as a hindrance but use it to empower you.  As I sit here I think of all the things he has done, to me, our children, other people.  It occurs to me this is my way, of repairing my self, making me strong and resilient.  If I can move past many of the hurtful ways in which he treated me, abused me, the only person who will have control over me is me.

I know I will never get back the losses, those pieces of me that matter and continue to be in my heart and mind.  It isn’t a choice I have made, but one that has been made for me.  It is that pain I need to come to terms with, let go of and ultimately forgive.  Those things that matter will always matter, but finding a new way to look at them, kind of like looking through a kaleidoscope with an ever changing view of the same things, this is how I will work toward letting go of my anger. I will free my mind of the negativity and heal, for me, for the days I have ahead and the years I have yet to live.

Growing the Road to Forgiveness

I have been devoting large amounts of time redefining who I am and coming up with healthier ways of cultivating the less than favorable situations life has given me, and as we all know will give me again.  Recently an adverse experience I had really made me question the validity of the world around me and how one persons’ negative feelings about me caused my life to change in ways I could have never imagined.  Trust me when I say, the effects of what he put into motion was earth shattering in a way I would have never in any realm of possibility come up with as something that would happen or he would do.

Over the years I have had to find ways of coming to terms with the thoughts and feelings that arose often over this individual’s subsequent behavior and how it was directed at me.  Par for the course I would question myself and what I did to cause the behavior he exhibited, when it was him, his behavior and his choice.   After years of working on myself, learning to express myself in more dynamic ways and finally seeing the issues clearly, I was able to make the choices I not only needed to, but had to, to find my way on my own.  It by far was not an easy road, but one I had to traverse.

During this particular difficult time, I did a good job at advocating for myself, taking care of myself and my children. Through what I thought at the time, was the hardest part of my life, I found I had a plethora of pent up anger and resentment over not only how I was treated, but what I endured.  It wasn’t fair or just and I knew we were never put first like a family should be, which made me dislike this person even more. Over all I thought I did a good job at “getting over” my negative feelings toward him. Nothing was further from the truth, it wasn’t apparent to me but others could see how I battled with the negative feelings I had and how they would bubble up and take over.

It wasn’t until the unthinkable happened that I realized how much I loathed this person and who he was as a human, a parasitic human.  The vindictive cut throat nature and dishonest ways he used to inflict pain on me, all in order to get back at me and make me pay and in his eyes to win, made me realize he would stop at nothing to feel he was superior.  In his eyes he was smart, smarter than most people, and couldn’t be underestimated because he was so cunning.  From my standpoint, what was done wasn’t about anyone but who he was and what he had won, well you can’t win a person even if you think they are possessions.

Hurting others for self gain, has nothing to do with intellect but everything to do with being an unhealthy broken person who cannot connect emotionally with people , because you have to be in touch with who you are and what you feel.  When you cannot put the needs of the less fortunate above what you want, or your needs to manipulate to get your way, there is something broken about who you are. Looking back over the course of events and how this perpetrator used anything he could get his hands on to “win”  made me question my hostile feelings toward him and why I was so angry.

Why was I so angry?  What was it that kept these feelings going and made me resent him having any happiness, or joy in life?  Was it that he didn’t value me as a person when he had the opportunity?  Was it how he used me, or would do anything he could, it seemed to inflict pain to get his way?   Was it years of abuse, being cheated on, or being stole from?  Or was it that he didn’t treat me with love and kindness?   Within the last few months when my life turned upside down, and I questioned if there was indeed any up, the anger at who this individual was and is has stuck with me in the unhealthiest of ways.  In light of how little he seems to respect life, especially mine I knew it was time for me to let go of the negative feelings I held for him.  It wasn’t to help him, but because I not only loved myself but I knew I was worth it on so many levels and hang on to those feelings wasn’t helping me.  Besides he fed off my negative feelings, it was what kept him going.

I am in the process of coming to terms with why I am so angry at him, but this is what I know so far.  For years I tried to make things work and I was constantly blamed for and told his behaviors were a result of how I chose to deal with what was at hand, thereby giving me no resolution.  I wanted him to get in life what he gave, yet life keeps giving him good things, which I am trying to wrap my head around.  The fact someone so inhuman can be given so much yet someone who cares and is kind must suffer, well I don’t get it and probably never will.  I t is hard for me to come to terms with and  accept that he doesn’t have to be held accountable for the heinous things he has done, and he doesn’t care or have a conscience.  Based on his actions and his lies I am not sure he is or isn’t aware of the things he does.

I know it is not healthy to hold onto these angry and sad feelings about how unfair it all is, or why I have had to lose so much.  The pain I have suffered at his hands, isn’t hurting him, it only hurts me because I continue to hold on to them.  I had hoped standing up to him, just by taking control of my life would be all I would have needed to do to get him to do an about face and leave me alone – it wasn’t.  He has told me in the most unsettling of terms he is paying me back for what I did to him and he wants me to suffer.  He holds something so precious over me and is daunting me with it, his way of saying he has won.

But in his made up game of high stakes no one wins. If there is a winner and a lose it means both are playing, I am not.  The life you lead isn’t about winning, it is about how you can make the world a better place.  How you can give to others and make life better for the people around you including yourself.  By focusing on the here and now and improving your life it will help you improve the life of those around you.  Finding the peace within and  accepting this person for who he is, by hoping he can find the happiness he seeks, I in turn will not expel energy on holding on to negative feelings about him and the things he has done.  I cannot spend my life caught up in fantasies if he will atone for his sins, he wasn’t accountable when I knew him, and he has only become more vindictive and hateful, at least toward me.

No one but me is responsible or in charge of my thoughts, feelings or actions.  How I think, feel or act has to do with how I feel about myself and how in touch I am with who I am. The more I let go of negative emotions and circumstances the less they have power over me.  I choose to make me own good fortune by letting go of these unwholesome thoughts and feelings, including how I see this person, who by allowing these negative feelings in, I allowed him to have power over me.  At his hands I have suffered, had a treasure so rare taken and yet I gift him all the happiness in the world because he must not be at peace with who he is. The abilities I’m allowing to take fruit within me has allowed me the steps to find peace and acceptance, so I can work on forgiveness for everything that has come to pass.  It is my hope he finds the fulfillment he seeks and in time can let go of hate and the revenge he seeks for me.  All I did was leave him and make a life for myself.

I cannot change what has come to be, but I can work on what is  and what is to come, and how I approach it and consequently handle it.  Focus, clear focus and a deeper understanding of who I am from the inside out, adjoined with love and compassion, this is who I am working on being.  The steps to get there are just as important for they like anything in life take work and devotion.

You are here 📌

In life we take the time to learn about people we want to consider or consider as friends. We make a conscious effort to start and nurture a relationship in hopes the person will like and care for us as much as we are drawn to them. We see certain characteristics that draw us to the person they are and we have a willingness to do what is necessary to make a friendship.

But, what about who we are? Do we take the time to really evaluate and consider ourself as our own friend? Do we nurture who we are as a person and an individual and accept ourself in ways we would of someone we tell ourselves is a friend?

The truth of the matter is no we do not. We do not value who we are or what we have to offer and frequently sell ourselves short. We discredit ourself and let others dictate our perceptions of our world, the world around us and in fact who we are as people. We are more inclined to believe their perception and truth of who we are and not our own.

Much of this behavior, based on my own experiences and yes books I have read, is caused from domestic violent. Verbal, nonverbal and physical abuse is all considered acts of domestic violence. Domestic violence wasn’t only something I grew up with, but later when I married was how the person I married controlled me. I was unfortunate enough to experience domestic violence as a child and as an adult when I married an abusive controlling person who I stayed with for over 22 years, under the guise it was something I was doing wrong.

For much of my marriage I had no idea I was abused. Why? Because it was a normal environment and I had no idea it was wrong, so when I got married it never occurred to me I was abused.  I though like most women who later go on to be survivors think, something is wrong with who I am, if only I did…

Here are ten things that most survivors have been taught to believe that are false:

  1. You can’t get what you want in life
  2. A difficult childhood experience cripples your life
  3. Everyone is equal with equal opportunities
  4. Expectations make it possible to get what you want
  5. You are a victim
  6. Mistakes are bad
  7. You have to be religious to be spirtitual
  8. It is better to give than receive
  9. You will feel good about yourself when you have the right job, mate, care, weight, money
  10. Get your wants before need

“National Center for PTSD, a prominent research and education organization that studies the psychological effects of trauma, has identified several scenarios that indicate red flags in an unhealthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship may be indicated when one partner:
• Has complete control of all household finances.

• Limits or completely closes off the other partner’s social life. He or she may isolate the other partner from friends and family.

• Consistently threatens to ruin the reputation of the other partner, especially after he or she has expressed a desire to end the relationship.

• Repeatedly tries to scare the other by breaking things, punching holes in the wall, and hurting or threatening to hurt pets.

• Systematically evokes feelings of guilt or shame in the other partner.

These types of coercive and controlling behaviors are often present in cases of domestic violence, and can have a profound impact on how a victim of abuse is able to function socially, even after leaving an abusive relationship. If an individual is financially dependent on his or her abusive partner, any decision to escape the abuse carries with it the real possibility of homelessness. One study (2003) showed that among a sample of 110 women who had experienced domestic abuse, 38% reported homelessness.

Issues of poverty and homelessness are closely linked to the abusive act of isolating an intimate partner from family, friends, and other sources of social support. Under normal circumstances, a person with strong social connections will look to his or her relatives and/or peers when assistance is needed. However, isolation from these support groups may cause the connections to wither. In the end, people who experience domestic violence might reason that they are completely alone in their struggles and former resources are no longer available”. CDV STATS

It took me years to get the courage to leave and ultimately divorce my ex husband.  I was put through many horrific acts perpetrated against me and yes our children, and being told it wasn’t his fault. I believed him and discreadited my own perceptions becasue I felt I couldn’t possibly know what Was truth. It also took many years of counseling and personal growth to finally be able to figure out I had selfworth, I was smart and I was a valuable person.  I had to unlearn damage done and be taught my feeling, thoughts and perceptions were heathy and right.

  1. I was and am worth and deserving of love
  2. Loving who I am is good
  3. It’s ok to make mistakes I’m not perfect
  4. Feelings are good and heathy
  5. Use talents you have
  6. All behaviors make sense
  7. People are your mirrors
  8. You create your own life and are responsible for who you are
  9. You can trust and listen to your intuition
  10. Don’t fear the unknown and embrace change

Most people who have suffered some form of domestic violence want to move past their past in healthy productive ways. They want to have personal healthy boundaries set up indicating who they are and above all they want them respected by others.  To not care what other people think of them or worry what someone’s opinion of them might be, so they can live their lives in peace and tranquilly is a cornstone or any heathy person and one anyone who has suffered domestic violence wants.  Above all, to healthily leave a past we’re someone else created the dynamic as a means of control over you and to no longer be subjected to its effects is freeing and liberating, and on the path the healing.

I don’t begin to have any answers, or all the answers but for me finding a healthier way to move past much of the termoil created my my abuser is what I am striving for.  The risky way he has and is trying to control me, well it is more for him to maintain power over me.  I see it and I chose to not be part to it or engage in it.  My life is my own and it centers around me and the healthy people who want to and chose to be in my life.

On my journey to inner peace and heath I have made many changes as of recent.  I’m embracing a new way of looking at my world and how I chose to focuse on the here and now.  By embracing more mental discipline I have embraced a new mantra “you are here.”  I need to have my center or gravity over my feet and focus on the point I’m am at now at the moment I am in this very second.  I cannot worry about what is to come or what others think of me or what they choose to do or not do. What I need to worry about is where I am at this moment, what are my thoughts and feelings about this moment, am I more thoughtful in my approach?  What is it I am experiencing in my body, and am I being true to my self. You see I need to keep my center of gravity over myself, it all starts with me.

Ascending Forth

From the ashes of my own personal despair and the great losses I’ve experienced, I am ascending forth into the unknown. Scattered throughout are embers that still glow, but are hidden within the cool ash. I can feel the smoldering heat both beneath my feet and surrounding me but it won’t claim me. I refrain from allowing myself to be drawn to the warmth some ash gives off or to allow myself to acknowledge feeling any heat which might reignite me, not because I don’t need warmth, but because I know all too painfully from experience it won’t help me. What it offers isn’t real and it won’t last, I need something worthy of who I am.

As I walk passed the pockets of heat they offset the chill I feel, but I try not to linger to absorb it, as any more negative memories will not help but hinder me, as I pass by. The pockets of heat, bring forth the emptiness I have to overcome, just as heat robs you from moisture causing your skin to be and feel dry. From everything I have experienced and am now leaving behind the blackness of piles of ash clings and darkens whatever it touches. I do not touch it, as I am reborn, resurrected from the cool ash that was my starting point, my point of origin. The only purpose of the ash now, as I am resurrected with my past knowledge is to move on and be the woman I allowed my self to be held back from becoming. I now have the courage, I will not allow any past mistakes to take root in my psyche, thoughts or beliefs about who I am now at this very moment.

The suffering I put up with and have endured will always be a part of me, however I will no long keep it close to my beating heart and allow it to cause any more heartache as I once allowed. I am choosing to let go and set myself free from any and all responsibility put on me from others, that was never mine to own.

Yes my past will always be a part of who I am, but the ashes as they cool will reveal who I was and have been, and am now. The strengthen, my resolve, and how determined I am is propelling me forward.

I am but a woman who has had endured more than her fair share of being burned by hot coals. I am not afraid to face life alone on my own two feet. When you can be alone and persevere you can do anything, even walk on hot coals.

Buddha-fication

When we are young, we do not realize how inept we really are at dealing with the pressures of life.  As children, (not all of course) we anticipate what it will be like when we “grow up”, but nothing really can prepare you for the inexplicable struggles we each encounter.  As the Buddha has stated, “all life is suffering”, which could not be further from the truth.

In the last few years, but even more so recently, I have succumb to many struggles both internally and externally and have had some colossal circumstances that have left me questioning my personal believes.  Not so much religious beliefs, but my ways of thinking about life and how I deal with it.

I have come to realize the importance of loving others, how I handle the outside world and that I want more out of my life. In recent weeks my view of the world has changed on some fundamental levels and I find I need to do something about it.  First and foremost, well, I really don’t have the words to accurately describe how sickened I am at how deplorably vindictive people I once allowed in my circle are and continue to be.  This realization has made me wonder about so much because for me, people mean everything and I do mean everything, we are one and the same, or should be.  With this realization I have begun to just let go and move on with my life and know who I am is not defined by them.

Second,  I managed my stress wrong.  I though I was managing it well but when events came into play, it was clear I indeed was not managing my stress. I would take care of everything I though I had control of, except myself.  I have come to realize I do not have control of what I though I did, and truly the only thing I have control of, is how I chose to accept the situation and let it be part of me. Those stupid sayings like, “don’t let a situation control you, control it”, or “the only thing you have control of is you”, well they are not so stupid after all.  They just feel stupid because I wanted to feel like I had some control in my life.  Truth be told, the things I thought I had control of really had control of me.

In the last few weeks of having some great conversations with people, along with their insight, I have learned that in essence I can make the choice by how I treat myself and not allow myself to be affected.  I realize, boy do I realize, that it is far harder than just saying it, but irregardless I will do it.  I refuse, I REFUSE to give anyone ever again any power over me.  I will not indulge any more.  Plain and simple my life is too short, and they are not worth my time for me to feel any pain or sadness over the fact they don’t know how to be an integral part of this lovely world.  We should give and help others, let go of hurt and anger, not hold on to it so it uses up space in our bodies and minds.  I am not insinuating I am perfect, or even have the answers, but I know I don’t have time to put inessential people in my mind or heart. Those that are essential and don’t have the space for me, I hope they find what they need.

I sit here picturing in my mind, things that have passed.  Dear memories and experiences that will forever live with me, filling me with love and warmth. I also remember painful, horrific experiences that as much as I’d like to forget will also live with me, but will help and have helped define who I am.  The will continue to help me grow into the woman I am.  As I continue on in my journey of life, thank you to all who’s life I have touched, who have touched my life and helped me to feel loved every day.  Without each and every one of you and your love and support I wouldn’t be me.

 

Namaste

 

 

Open Road

A gradient has happened

Unbeknownst to me

Born out of anger

Delivered to me.

Catastrophically it happened

A wake up call of sorts

I’m now an empty nester

Par for the course

I’m excited for the freedom

Happy for the change

Welcome to accommodate

The daughter who has the reins

May she remember

The love I have for her

My arms would love to hug her

But a someone stole the verbs

Moving forward I have started

Letting go and moving on

Gathered the momentum

And started a new song

On the radar I have scheduled

Plans I’m gonna make

Going with no restrictions

Maybe to the lake

Visit the girls

Now I have the time

Spend time with the boyfriend

On a motorcycle ride
I beg to question

How it could be

Something so drastic

Could turn sadly!

Mwah

Trapped within the coldness

Of a heart turned ice

Is catastrophic deadness

A lack of what is right

You operate with malice

Sociopathic ways

Twisting truth and emotion

Just to get your way

I see you clearly

And I do not fear

The master manipulator

A (used) car salesman debonair

With visceral awareness

I will do what’s right

Shutting down your pathology

Ready for the plight

Do not underestimate

You are not that smart

You may have set the board

But I will throw the dart

With confidence and awareness

Inner strength and truth

I will catch you

and close you in the loop

Do not underestimate

As you play your show

I will be the one

To bask in the glow