As it Comes

You cannot compromise on weather or stop the rain from falling. Complaining about the rain, and how much you hate it won’t change it, or for that matter help you in any way deal with it. There is much of life that complaining does little for, but to increase your misery and distain and make you sound, well unhappy.

The sound of rain hitting the windshield is relaxing. The splash of rain bouncing off the rear tires on the vehicles in front of me as the raindrops spray off hit the pavement, causes an almost fog like appearance. A dreary day, that feels as if it should slow down as much as I feel relaxed.

Yes calm and relaxed and not unhappy in the least bit about the weather. Just like my life, it is what it is. Not much I can do but move forward, focusing on me, and what I want out of life. I’m still working on finding out what I want as it has changed unexpectedly so much, but is see so much I want to try.

I have always been an individual, but now I feel like one because I’m in another plane of existence. No longer am I needed in the same capacity as a mother by my two daughters. I find my potential as a person is something I must embrace as I find my way. I am not interested in having control, just being happy and loving who I am as I grow from my experiences. I plan on trying many new things!

Like the weather, I cannot control what is, just work on accepting and finding my way. It is what is, and I am embracing me, just like the rain, as it comes.

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Finding your Way

Any resemblance of what once was is gone.  I have moved on, slowly day by day, learning to forge a new start from the tatters I had left of my life. I would not say my ability to move forward has been any amount of courage (that aided me in my ability to to move forward), but more the fact I couldn’t stay where I was in life and be happy or find happiness of any kind.  To me my happiness is paramount, and I know that I am responsible for creating my own happiness, happiness is homegrown.  Don’t get me wrong, there are hard days left in my life, in fact for most people that is the case, life is like that for all of us, not matter the circumstances.

Happiness is a choice we can all make, even when overcoming hard times.  I have had some extremely hard times, but I will not dwell on them, or mourn what I lost any longer than I have to.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel the loss, but my life will not be spent living in the past or wishing for what could of been.  If it could have been it would have happened.  It didn’t happen and I have to let go and move on and embrace my life and the future I still have.

I have been focusing on me and only me for the very first time in my life.  I am living my life in an uplifting and empowering way, I feel so in control.  There is nothing better than taking life strongly in your hands and doing for yourself in ways you would have never done normally.  I feel for the first time I am really living my life, truly growing as an individual and knowing what it means to live.

I am not letting fear of any kind hold me back now or ever again.  I have allowed fear to dictate so much in my life and in the end it did more harm than good. Besides overcoming fears are a good thing and whence growth, real growth takes places inside of us and in our life.  It is such a new feeling having the courage to do what you were afraid to do.  To me that is the true test of growth and strength and ultimately what living life is about.

It took the worst heartache and loss to obtain this strength.  I guess loss can really be a facilitator of growth.  It doesn’t mean the loss is any less felt, it just means I chose to let go and live my life as the individual and person I am – live life for myself.  It is a great feeling and extremely empowering and to be honest scary.  But… this type of scary I can do.  I am pushing the parameter out away from me, as I define new temporary boundaries.  This is what life is, about and gives you the most control.

I am loving the power I have over my own life (path), even while I do not necessarily like all the life changes I’m experiencing.  I know there are (some) people in my corner, as well as the people who want to see me fail by falling flat on my face.  I will do plenty of both.  But the fact I am moving forward and am taking the chances, well all I can say is it will give you both something to talk about.  In the end however it will show the real strength I have.  I do not need to depend on someone else for my self esteem, or self worth.  I do not need those who sabotage me.  I am succeeding.  Hell, I might even try sky diving!!  Or maybe not!!! LOL

 

 

 

January and Beyond

The January rain and wind today feels more indicative of March weather. The snow has all but melted, except for the intermittent areas of small white patches that stand out against the unusually greener than normal green grass. Sporadically the rain comes down heavily drenching the already sodden ground. Just days prior a deep freeze made the ground rock hard and impenetrable, not to mention unbearably cold.

This month, the month of January is normally one of longest months to get through, even though it has the same amount of days as all the other months. The ever lasting dark, the below zero cold temperatures, the intense dry skin and no build up to any holiday make it feel as if the month will never end. But it does and by the end of the month the days have grown in length. The change comes and it is welcomed.

I have never been a lover of the cold of winter, mainly in part because I don’t handle the cold well. Don’t get me wrong, I find snow magical, fun and love watching it come down. I would occasionally (and I stress occasional) liked taking my kids sledding over the season when young, but for the most part all I really did was shovel with them. As I said I don’t like being cold so I did everything I could to stay home. I now see my behavior enhanced the feeling of January not progressing.

In the last year, but especially in the last five months I have undergone some pretty monumental changes in my life. Some were welcomed and others, well they still are hurdles in some ways. However as I have adapted, aged and accepted aspects of life that make it life, I have come to understand and feel, well different. For starters I no longer freeze, (thanks peri menopause). I now can see I can and will succeed on my own and am. When I spend time with others not only does the month of January pass rather fast, but I feel happier about winter. (Well for the most part).

The hurdles (to be honest, losses) have changed my life in many (good) ways. I’m not saying what happened was good but it has changed me for the positive and therefor it has been good. As I struggle to adapt to my new life and overcome aspects of who I am that I’ve always wanted to work on, I have put myself out there in life and put myself first in ways I never would have done had I not had that major upheaval. I do not suggest at all having the type of life changing events I have been through, but if you have no choice, be prepared and do it. I would have never divorce if I felt there could have been a healthy outcome, but I couldn’t have put in any more or loved any deeper than I had for years. When you start the process of divorce be prepared for the worst it can be in all the aspects you can imagine or not. My divorce has been by far the most horrifically destructive experience of my life and I wanted it and as hard as it was, I’m still glad I did it. (But to be fair I did try extremely hard for years). In addition the loss of a loved one is excruciatingly when the hate of divorce dictates so much. In additions don’t let someone who has never been through what you have to deal with tell you how you should be, how you should act or how wrong you are. First off who are they, and second they don’t know because they are not you. Third, really try hard to rise above it. I didn’t as much as I would have liked, but for years I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. When I started to divorce I did open up because I finally felt I could to all the horrors I put up with. My two children also put up with.The end of my marriage gave me a new start and many gains, but it brought loss I would have never imagined. For starters the relationships with my two daughters (who remain shining lights) has deepened and grown, (they experience the same loss I did), and we have become closer as a result. But I lost the love and relationship with my younger just as her sisters did. While I love my two daughters so much, respect and value their input and who they are more than they will ever know I feel bad this has happened to all of them. They are and always will be so important to me. In addition it is because of their love and genuine care for me and my wellbeing that has really helped me overcome much of my pain. Mwah. In additions the friends and people who support me and continue to support me, have been my rock. The support system I’ve woven in place, the growth and development I’ve achieved have been in part to my inner strength but mostly to those that love and support me. I will never take for granted the people who have given unconditionally and loved me when I was so broken and unable to see how I could go on. While I will always have those aspects that make me who I am, it’s nice to know in the cold month of January (and beyond) I have the love and support of my children, friends and people who care about me in my life. I feel so much warmth and more capable than I did in all the years I was married. Yes I have lost some important parts of my life I would have died to keep, but I’ve gained, even in spite of the pain that lives within me. It might not always be easy to have the focus to see when I have come from but today I do even in the deep of winter.

Ebb and Flow

The slow methodical rhythm of waves coming in, rolling into the sand and washing back out. Ebb and flow. A relaxing soothing sound, pleasing to all senses and invigorating. The mesmerizing effect of waves coming in, the calming colors as the surf breaks on the beach. The captivating affects of the water as it undulate in and out.

I am feeling calm [today] like the steady flow of water, coming in and going out. Coming in, and going out… A steady pace and movement that is a measure of time in the most subtle of ways. One could spend hours watching the waves, and yet it can feel as if no time has passed. It is with the ebb and flow of waves cascading to shore time almost stands still because the visual change is all but nonexistent in a small frame of time.

It is too cold to sit on the beach looking at and hearing waves crash on shore. The tranquility flowing water creates, and the sounds I hear, and what those sights and sounds evoked in me. If I close my eyes I can almost recreate the same feelings: hope, purpose, calm, acceptance, as if time stands still because of peace.

Peace and calm, the unbridled feeling of serenity. A change of course, but so subtle it is accepted as if no change has come, because it can’t be felt. Day by day life at times can be so calm no change is detected, except by looking back. It is at these times we feel the most comfortable and it is why routine is so important, because we come to depend on it.

The movement of time is change. But it is only when we feel optimistic or hopeful about the experiences that it doesn’t feel like change. Water ebbing and flowing, waves hitting shore is a constant change but it is accepted because we depend on its ability to bring hope, peace and comfort. We all look for comfort, as it evokes happiness and feelings of being content.

Today I am content. I am relaxed and feeling at peace in many ways with myself. It has been long overdue to have any feelings of acceptance over my life and real feelings of hope. Change is always with us, but this time change doesn’t feel as subtle as I would like, but it certainly feels much more subtle than the changes I have been having for some time.

I’m letting go, focusing on me, and my two girls. We are a family. I am feeling the ebb and flow of time slowing to a rhythmically chaotic free period of positive change. It is welcomed and accepted as I, we all move forward. I’m feeling hopeful.

But really right now I am more tired than anything, so I’m off to bed😴

My Never Ending Winter

It’s Sunday. Dreary, wet, damp and now dark. January. Yes, the heart of winter and nothing to be excited about. I don’t mind snow, for the most part, but the cold is what is hard to handle. The dry skin, brittle hair and nails, and above all the short days, I see (all of these) as negatives.

The winter season (this year) is especially hard for me for personal reasons, but for many this time of year can be especially hard for seasonal reasons. To endure the season I use life markers to help me make my way thought, ’til spring, i.e., gatherings, celebratory markers, traditions, etc. For personal reason I endure and work toward adaption by funneling in as much positivity as I can draw from. Sources around me such as friends, activities, hobbies, and talking, give me the ability to detract from some pivotal life changes I’ve undergone.

Working on adapt has proven to be a challenge. The fact is, change is noted when it is negative in nature, when it is positive in feel, it is easier to accept and talked about like a gift. Nothing about what I have been handed has even resembled a gift, let alone any prize worth having. Unfortunately negative experiences are still experiences and like everyone else who has ever existed or will exist there are all types of changes, including the ones you don’t like. I just have to go through this cycle. (I hope)

I see winter, especially this year as damaging. I think overall it is hard for most people to see or feel winter resembles positivity when it is associated with a never ending feeling of desolation. With the added life circumstances I’ve lived through, it has felt pretty barren, like the dead of winter can feel. The oppressing darkness has added to the feelings I’ve been contending with causing me to dwell in unhealthy ways.

My life will never resemble what I once dreamed it would be and I don’t know how long it will be before it feels healthy again. I can tell you this, I’m done giving my ex anything of me to feed off of. I’m no longer giving up my energy or any acknowledgement because I want him to have remorse for the things he did. Not once did he feel bad for the things he has done even now after our divorce. He keeps at me, relentlessly to make me pay. Pay for what? Leaving him, protecting myself?

He’s won. I’m done. He can’t do anything else to me but kill me. I don’t care any more about who he is or what he does or doesn’t do. He is not a nice person, that’s why I left him.

I have court coming soon. I need closure, I need to move on and I need him to leave me alone. I’m so tired of him dragging it out. My never ending winter.

Sarah’s Thoughts

Pathetic and at a loss she stood there in tears. Unable to fully understand what had happened, dumbfounded and miserable, she hoped she didn’t look like she was crying, instead hoped she appeared as if she was having an allergic sneeze fest. Never in a million years would she have believed this would happen. She, a hands on caring mother… It didn’t matter now. Nothing she could do would change what had happened or the pain she had to find a way to deal with. Finding the strength to finally leave her unhealthy, abusive marriage ended up causing what was most precious to her to be taken. In fact Sarah’s ex husband said he would do it and he did, make her pay by pay her back for everything she had done. It didn’t matter if she was a good person and crying, the fact remained, divorce destroyed her children and hurt them to the core, but, so did the fact Sarah stayed in an abusive marriage and stayed as long as she did. Perhaps losing her youngest was for the best. Certainly not anything she wanted, or even hoped for, but she did not want her children to ever suffer. Having ties severed made it so the youngest didn’t need to be caught in the middle. Looking back she had so many memories and knew she would never have them again with her youngest. She knew for all intents and purposes the youngest was his collateral damage and his possession he won. She felt a pang in her heart, pushed back the sadness and hoped her daughter found what she was looking for. Please let her be happy, Sarah thought. Standing there unsteady on her feet, Sarah had a flood of memories hit her all at once. The memories caused an immense feeling of heaviness and emptiness deep in her soul. She knew she would no longer have the ability to make any new memories with her youngest child. Tell her how much she loved her, see her smile, laugh, or even see her experience milestones in her life. The sad truth is, what it came down to, was that her ex husband wanted Sarah to pay. Pay for ending their marriage, and his security of having someone take care of him, never mind the things he had done. But while it hurt Sarah, the real travesty was in the end it would hurt her daughter more, far more.Yes Sarah was suffering, greatly, but she was an adult, and one way or another she would get through it. She thought of all her children, how they all suffered. Her heart went out to them, all the things they put up with and had to endure. Her children had always, would always be the most important thing to her. With all her heart and everything she was, she loved them. Wiping back the tears on her cheeks Sarah smiled a sweet, soft smile of hope. Not because she had lost a child, but because she had the love and support of two children who knew the truth, and many wonderful people in her life to help her. Of course Sarah intended on using this time to grow, learn and invest in herself, but knowing people loved her… Then there was her daughter that was gone, she severed all ties. Maybe one day, but that day wouldn’t be any day in the foreseeable future if at all. Collateral damage. Her poor sisters who lost her too. Kids don’t deserve this.

Hope My Way

The tail end of 2017 has arrived, the cusp of a new year, (just two hours away) is on the verge of dawning. As 2017 makes its way out, it can’t leave fast enough for me. It was a dauntingly horrific year, plagued with so many negative and unhealthy aspects I am happy to close it out and not look back. It is finally down to the wire when it will be over. I pray that most of what has cause the year to be a disaster will also end. It has to. I just cannot do it any more and really don’t fathom how anyone can.

I lost so many parts of my life that I knew I’d be sad about, but none as much as I was over (the sudden loss of) my daughter. I don’t know how so many people go on after enduring such heart break. I look to each and every one of you for guidance, because if you haven’t guessed, I am not strong. I cry so much. After each court date I get flung back and have to emotionally crawl back to emotional health. I wish it would end, instead more ensues.

I’ve talked to several people who have overcome what I am in the thick of now. I praise them because I do not know how they did it. Each time after court for me gets worse and I contemplate ending my life, only to come out of the darkness. But as each court date comes and goes, my ability to bounce back and the time it takes is greatly affected. It’s getting to the point I don’t know if I can do it any longer.

I’m putting huge hopes out for the new year. I desperately need some light to shine my way. I need my ex to stop, just stop. He needs to go on with his life and leave me alone. I need to do for myself and not be bothered any more and make my life the best I can for myself.

I say goodbye solemnly to 2017 as I usher it out and help push it on its way. I’m in limbo waiting for 2018 but would rather wait for it than experience what I did in 2017. I don’t have any real expectations for 2018, except to say I want a happier year in all the aspects 2017 wasn’t. It really was a rotten year.

I’m not used to being on my own and it is a real struggle for me. I’m working on bettering myself in a plethora of ways, but most importantly working on handling this emotional hardship I’ve been forced to have. I can honestly say I suck at keeping it together. In every way I’ve suffered and I don’t know how to handle it better. I do t see how anyone can. I’m told all this great advice, but it doesn’t seem plausible to be able to do. I can’t even get myself centered enough to even think about the steps I need to take to “empower” myself so I can move ahead.

Grief is such a difficult thing to overcome. I’m beside myself on any given day, not able to do anything but force myself out of bed thanks to the dog. I owe the fact I’m not still in bed to him!

I am hoping for a much better year. Of course only time will be the true gauge of that. I can only do so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for positivity, but I have hit a wall with the left field enhancements I’ve experience midway into the year. I can’t be happy or positive about the loss I’ve experienced or the subsequent court dates that have been a result of it. I do try so hard, but the fact remains the loss I suffered is a deficit to my overall life. I don’t know anyone who could be positive about that.

I’m told I need to look at all I have and see the positive. For me I see none. I know I should be grateful I have a home, or a bed and I am, but I’m also not happy about were my life has been placed. I’m hoping the new year will bring some better experiences my way I can see the silver lining or potential. Right now I can’t and I’m sorry if I bring people down.

Night. When I wake may the new year bring hope my way.