What’s it Worth

In just a few days summer will be here. As much as that is an exciting thing it makes me sad. I try to not to get hung up on the fact once the summer solstice passes, the days start to get shorter. I know that sounds pessimistic and it is, but I start to mourn the loss of the season even before it’s gone. Unlike years past I would miss its passing by the end of the season regretting not doing something meaningful or with purpose in my life. Perhaps that is why I mourn the passing even before it comes.

All throughout my life I can see how as a person I’ve grown and become more understanding, compassionate and kinder, with time. I can also see now my vision isn’t obscured by an (ex)spouse who made me so distrusting and overprotective of my children and question people in such harsh ways. I even questioned much about myself. It makes me sad that I didn’t see how I had changed being with him and how I would compensated by showed people an image of myself that wasn’t really who I was. I was lead by fear, doubt, and distrust of others motives because that is what my marriage entailed for years. In some ways I am blaming him, but the burden falls on me for not doing something about it sooner. I chose to stay and I wish I hadn’t.

In the grand scheme of life it wouldn’t of mattered if I found out sooner who he really was, because I wasn’t ready. He lied and did awful things most of our marriage and I stayed with him because I doubted myself, my worth and who I was. I had to learn to trust my gut feelings, trust my inner voice and above all build my self confidence. Yes confidence.

By the time I filed for divorce I was done being married and knew there would be no reconciliation. I had finally gained hard earned confidence in myself, mostly from bad experiences that he put me through. I would hold my own on what ever came my way even when he left me holding the bag. At the end I realized he met every fear I had and nothing was holding me back but me.

Little did I know he would do what he masterfully did to me with the help of my youngest. To this day I am heartbroken over what she helped him do. In addition this happens to be a bad week from an emotional blow I suffered just a few days ago. The few things I thought were mainstays, my children and my church, have not been. I lost one of my children through deceit and now I am pretty sure I will have to give up my church. I cannot handle the emotional strife and by law I cannot be around them, (my daughter and ex). I’m sure you’re thinking she had to do something. But I didn’t. My ex could sell air even though we already have it to breathe. He is a master at lying and twisting what he knows to suit him, you wouldn’t even know it because what he says is plausible. It was plausible to me for years, I believed he wanted what I did.

From my losses I have been left heartbroken, looking to rebuild myself and for the first time putting myself first. I struggle, cry and wish at times my life would just end. I wonder if I’d be missed at all. Over all I think not. I’ve never been popular, or someone people come to something I’ve always wanted and wish I knew how to obtain, but am not destined to have. I know silly and superficial. I’ve just started to really appreciate who I am and how I look and my talents. But in the face of my losses it sometimes is unbearably hard to see what my worth is.

If losing one of my daughters has taught me anything, it’s don’t take your own life for granted. Don’t let anyone assign or tell you your worth. I’ve stopped doing that after the divorce and losing my daughter nine days later. I’ve stopped saying I’ll do what I want later, because for me it won’t come, because it never did. I’m not the only one who has suffered, so too has both her sisters, and her grandfather and I want to acknowledge that fact.

For the entire time with my ex, I put my needs on hold, but not anymore. When I lost my daughter and made it enough out the other side to function, I said to myself I’m am no longer wasting my life or allowing fear to control me. So that’s what I’ve done. I’m not sure how much I’ve changed, (or if at all), but I’m not taking fear as an excuse to stop me from experiencing and living my life. I don’t want to regret having not done something when I had the ability to do it. I don’t wanna wish I could have tried such and such but I was too afraid to do.

I’ve abolished fear, I won’t let it take up residence any more, I can’t. Its held me back much of my life because I allowed it to speak for me. It won’t ever again. I’ve lost too much, I’ve suffered too much and I’ve taken its voice away. I have worth, I have dreams. This summer is mine and I’m doing the things I’ve told myself I couldn’t do because of fear, or because of money, or my children came first. There is only me now an I come first.

Happy summer

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Ahem: On My Own Terms

IMG_3777.JPGI had a plan.  Setting my alarm for 5:30  I wanted to be out the door by 6:00 to get a bike ride in before work.  I frequent the Arboretum not too far from where I work and knew this would be the perfect place to ride my bike.  The morning was on the cool side and it was a bit overcast, but more like the morning was breaking dawn and overcast from changing from night, in addition it had also rained.  The previous night I loaded my bike into my car, and put together my swimming bag.  I workout regularly, you know a health club athlete.  LOL.  Taking my bike to ride before work and my bag to swim after work, well, it is a different me.  I like the change.

I ended up getting up at out of bed at 6:00 am, showered and was gone by 6:30, at the Arboretum by 7:00.  Unbeknownst to me, the Arboretum doesn’t open until 7:00 am!  Yeah me!! I couldn’t get over how serene and peaceful the morning was and I was actually up and ready to go.  Getting on my bike, I started off slow for the first turn, and was already wondering if I would be able to do this.  I am not in bad shape by any means, but I could already tell I was not in as good of shape as I though and it would be a work out.  Not that it is overly hilly, but it seemed like mountains to this novice rider, who’s normal bike ride is in a health club!  Don’t get me wrong I do ride out side of the club, on our local (mostly flat) trails so new the terrain was a challenge that I was going to overcome.  I only had to walk one area, which disappointed me greatly but overall I did a great job.  In addition I was still able to walk normal and work fine!I wish I had spent more time looking at the forested area, marsh and open prairie, but all my focus was just about on being able to not give up.  I could feel my lungs burning and working in over drive with each mountain, hem, I mean hill.  It was a great feeling to tell you the truth.

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I do have to say the weather today was perfect, but on the cool breezy side especially for swimming.  However I told myself I was going to swim laps this summer and not let the weather effect me and thats what I did.  I set up my spot, walked over to the pool and did the proverbial toe dunk and swish with my right foot, and was happy to find the water temperature was warm.  I decided to sit on the edge and push myself into the pool submersing myself all the way to get over any shock from the temperature change. Its funny, the toe dunk is a test of sorts to test the waters so to speak, however I still had to get in the pool to swim.  Knowing or not knowing wouldn’t have made a difference, because I was getting in.  I was pleasantly surprised however, first because the water was warm, and second because I wasn’t cold.

I am not a swimmer, I never took swimming lesson growing up or really swam and really haven’t been a fan of the water, but because my life has been turned around so much and far different than I ever expected, I decided if my world was change like that, I was going to change my world on my own terms.  I did four laps and was exhausted.  I hoped I didn’t look too ridiculous with my attempt at swimming, after all I hadn’t yet drown myself, but I was tired and ready to get out of the pool.  In a few minutes time I had dried off and warmed up enough to spent a good amount of time reading and watching how other people swam. A study of sorts to perfect my own game. When I finally got myself ready to go in my second time, I was confident I would do better, I just needed to take my time and focus.  I had contemplated doing another two laps, but believe it or not, I was tired.  Tired from the getting up early, doing a hilly bike ride and now swimming a total of eight haphazard laps.  Phew.

I got out of the pool, dried off again and proceeded to read.  No it wasn’t warm but when the sun came out it was pleasant and I  was relaxed, so relaxed.  Sigh.  The book I had just started the night prior, “Just Listen” was a good use of my lounging time and actually allowed me to relax more and just be in the moment. Who says you can’t multitask! it was during this time I took my phone out for that cool shot of the sky showing a hidden sun.  You wouldn’t believe it but my arms are like rubber.  I can feel my upper arms in a different way from a weighted workout, they aren’t sore more like a fatigue.

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It’s good to change it up.  I am looking forward to sleep. My eyes are heavy and I am tired, but I can honestly say it was a good day.  A day I truly needed.  I am trying so hard, and yet I have such hard days.  Finding closure when there is none is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, some days I don’t know how I do it when those feelings can be so strong and overpowering.  Asking over and over doesn’t help, but I so want answers and have to know I will never have them and just have to accept that.  No matter how many times I am told it will change the damage has been done and it was purposeful.  Truth be told I know it won’t, and that is a devastating reality. As much as I am devastated I don’t know if I could ever accept someone back in my life who has done such awful things to me.

I have my flow chart of of experiences I want to have.  I call it that because some of the things I find I want to do I don’t yet know I want to do.  Some of those experiences lead into another as I try new things: inevitably learning and growing.  So far I have taken up cello, started this blog, taken up public speaking of sorts, gone to eat on my own, went to a move, drove to a retreat in another state, joined meditation, started swimming, become my own advocate, did college visits and moved my one daughter into the college of her dreams and become more me.  Silly as that sounds now that I don’t have children under eighteen living with me, I can put myself first.  Again not what I wanted, but I have to take care of myself and enjoy my life.

It has been a long day, my dog is asleep on my bed, my eyes are heavy and I must go to bed.  May tomorrow be everything and more.

 

 

2/3 of a Person isn’t Accepable

I am hopeful yet apprehensive about the direction my life will ultimately take, and while I can do what I know is best for me, I in no way can really control my life.  As hard as it is to let go of the pain I feel over what has transpired, it helps me to be realistic in knowing I am not perfect.  It also causes me to keep asking the same angonizing questions over and over, in hopes of getting some sort of pull to change what has happened and get some clearer understanding.  I know in now way does it sound logical, it isn’t logical, but when you don’t have answers its hard to live with none.  We all seek answers to questions that for what ever reason have no real answers.  We even go so far as to make up answers to saciate our need for closure, but somewhere in the back of our mind we know that they are not anything more that our hope, even if the answer fits.

I started this blog to help me over come aspects of my life that had taken away part of who I was.  I could literally feel myself coming back to life when I wrote, I could feel the hope and desire coming back to me and the awful things done to me finally being healed from within and a deep sense of peace and happiness grow within me.  I wrote with truth and honesty thinking people who knew me would stand by me, and the truth would keep me safe.  None of that was the case. My words were used against me and yet again the person who for years did everything in his power to strip the person I was, did it again.  Thing were made up about me, my words were twisted and again he came out looking like someone he wasn’t.  Open Road was the poem (yes poorly written, but mine) that was used to say I didn’t want my child.  In actuality it was me trying to come to terms with what was going on.  In addition none of the other poems pertaining to her were never used but this one, if they had it would have clearly showed how much I loved her and wanted her.  Alas none of this matters anymore.  When it was all said and done, she too lied on his behalf wiping me out.

Over all of this I have come to learn there is no-one who is truly there for you but yourself.  I owe it to who I am, really to who I want to be, to live my life and grow, grow strong, independent and secure.  I no longer let fear dictate who I am, it only is used to guide me in respect to not letting it control me anymore. I know if I feel afraid I am moving in the right direction.  By setting all fear aside, and just doing what needs to be done,  I know I have strengthen myself when I allow the fear to guide me. We think of fear as something to avoid and not do, but I now think of fear is something I need to listen to to do what I necessarily wouldn’t.  I don’t allow the feelings normally associated with fear to take root any longer, I acknowledge how I feel and dismiss the feelings to focus on what I must do.  I am in control and will not let anyone take who I am away from me.  The Spider 

The sayin goes, you don’t know how strong you are until you have to be, even though I find the saying more like nails on a chalkboard, mundane and cliche it is every bit true.  There are things I now do that I would have never done or would have never though I could do had I not had to go through what I did to move on.  I still don’t know how I managed to handle all I did. As I write this, a realization has come to me, which is this.  I know for the majority of people we come in contact with we don’t matter not as we do to our children.  One of the reasons losing my child hurt so much is because they mattered to me so many many ways. The gave me so much in return. I truly believed if I loved and nurtured them, grew with them, treated them with respect and love, talked with them listened to them, let them know in every way possible how important they were to me, we would have a bond that would be unbreakable.  I wrongly believed I would always be loved by (all of) them and in their lives.

I’m told two out of three isn’t bad.  If you’re talking about something other than children I’d agree.  But children are part of you and you never get over a loss.  I do know my two other beautiful daughters have been there every step of the way helping me and loving me.  I know I am every bit of the mother I set out to be with them, because I see it in the relationship we have.  I see how close the other two are to one another, talking daily being there for each other.  I see how they are to me and the love they show me, calling me often.  No matter how independent they are or where they are in life, they will always be the best part of who I am.  The best thing I have ever done was becoming a mother and watching them grow.  I love them with all my heart and thank them for helping me become who I am.   I respect them so much.

There is a brokenness that we evolve into over time. Our years of living make us the poised polished accepting souls we become. We erroneously see these type of people as being unaffected by life, happy and giving, when it is from life that they have become who they are. The value of relationships, love, kindness, care, growth and happiness cover the imperfections, showing only symmetry. We take for granted that the perfection we see are real, that is because we only see the aftermath of the metamorphosis.

I cannot change what has come to be. But I will not allow someone else to dictate my life; who I am or how I feel. One day at a time, taking in the moments and just living. My kids are grown but I will never be an empty nester. They always come home…

And I will be here with open arms

Out of the Safety Zone

So much of life is built on ritual and ceremony, to tether us to our need to connect to the world and people around us.  An important facet of life is our ability to connect to others, however we need to take the time to understand ourself and connect to our inner most self.  As silly as this may sound, so many people don’t understand or know who they are or what they want out of life or even how they feel, they are not attuned with their self  and are afraid to push beyond the comfort zone they feel safe in.  But are we really safe in that place?  We do stop growing when we are confined in our safe zone and the lack of growth is unhealthy.

I say being stagnant is not only unhealthy, but it is not a safe place.  I allowed fear to hold me back to the point I was not living in a way that allowed me to grow and flourish or even fail. I have had times in my life were I was better at holistically taking care of myself, I ate right, exercised, was mindful and was attuned with who I was, but I didn’t really live I didn’t push past my boundaries to grow.  Last year I fell off of the wellbeing wagon while I was experiencing life for the first time in twenty-two years.  Out of nowhere I was exposed as a terrible mother by lies that were not true and my daughter turned her back on me with help from her father.  It was the worst heart break I have ever encountered, to the point I don’t know how I survived and made it where I am now.  I am not a perfect person but I was a wonderful mother I love them all deeply  and would have done anything for any of them.  Daily I work on overcoming the retribution I have been put through, I work out; cardio, weight training, and stretching, I eat healthfully, I meditate, taking time for nature, self reflection and introspection, I work hard to expand my boundaries by trying new things and I continue to become stronger every day, making sure I am self-assertive and an advocated over my own life.

I cannot undue the lies said about me, change the heinous things my ex husband did, or bring back my child.  I cannot even change how she thinks and feels about me, but I can grow, move on and continue to move forward to be the best version of myself I can.  I need to live my life for me, I need to let go of the angry feelings and the deep hurt the years of an unhealthy marriage did to me and the ultimate loss of my daughter did.  At the end of the day it matters not and prevents me from not moving forward to be able to grow.  Like a bag fluttering in the wind, filling with air, I am the bag (juxtaposed ), eloquently free falling to a place of hope where I can finally let go of the hurt and pain I was put through, but the wind prevents me from being able to take hold.  I don’t want to have to continually have these feelings come up, I want to move past them but at the same time I wish for once people would see who he was and what he did.  I know it shouldn’t matter, but I want for once to be seen how I really am.  I want to be free of the pain.  There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my children, and now I need to do that for myself.

I don’t know what that road will end up looking like, I can tell you it was not the road I ultimately set out on.  I though by being an honest and good person and loving my children unconditionally it would be enough.  It isn’t and has not been for the youngest.  I lost more than I should have, but I can tell you this,  I will not allow this to define me or dictate who I am as a person.  I do not need approval from others and I need to stop looking for it.  It should be more than enough I know the truth.  I must stop seeking it from others like my opinion is not good enough when it is.  Rarely are we the cause of why people do what they do.  We just feel the repercussions of what they do and we have to live with it, like it or not.

I don’t like it, in fact I hate it, but I can either accept it or move on,

 

I am moving on.

Clambering on

Clambering on my life had changed to a more biophilic existence, filled with as much organic and natural surrounding that could holistically shroud me from the unnatural way life seemed to be, now that everything was inundation with technology and of course dissipating drama.  I longed for the even ebb and flow of life, the stoic way nature had always felt to me and made me feel.  Slowly, after everything that was dirtily handed to me, I was finally, albite slowly returning to my roots.  The soft subtle sounds of birds singing on a overcast day, melodious and calming, the intense heat of the late spring sun, powerful and yet relinquishing.  Purpose and hope stirred in my veins coursing through my reawakening heart, as I finally realized I was past a hurdle.  It clearly wasn’t premature  or arduous of me to have a feeling of kismet over the momentum my life had gained, especially now I was no longer thewless in nature.  Yes I had indeed stepped over a hurdle and literally could feel the change in my disposition.

It has been a gregarious year for me, something I am not all that familiar with, however it has been needed exposure for my overall well-being. I have had many eye opening experiences, that have enhanced who I am and allowed me to grow, and now that I  have move past the carking times  I see I am resilient in ways I would have never fathomed.  I do not want to have any mercurial times again, nor do I want to have to broach the subject of how to similar experiences ever again.   I was deracinated by my own child.  While I learned from it, it was a gut wrenching experience that slowly has improved with time, and the things that bring me joy.  I still cannot fathom how a child can do what she did to me but really it doesn’t matter as I cannot change what was done.

In order to over come that loss I had to work hard to get past the grief and find healthy ways to deal with the thewless that came on overnight.  I began to write, I worked out more and would go over to a friends house.  I picked up activities to fill my time, which in turn became great growth potentials.  The more things I do, the more new things I want to try.  I have never been adventurous, but you had better believe I have been developing a adventrous streak.  Why?  Because after years of giving to my children and putting them first, and then having the youngest tear my heart out I just couldn’t wallow and let what she did define me. It was overwhelming enough that I din’t need to put myself in purgatory or close myself off.  It was time to let go as much as I didn’t want to and put my all into myself and my life.  But what do you do when you have no choice.  Well you can either give up and not live, or live and experience life.  I chose to live and experience life as I worked on pushing past the pain.

This weekend is a busy one.  My daughters who love me depend on me, and I them.  They are my biggest supports and cheer me on.  They have helped me through the dark times and continue to stand by me.  I am proud of them and I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them.  While it is their time to be off on their own, It is also time for me to be as well.  For the first time in my life, I am outgoing, learning to let go and experience life and enjoin myself.  I have my daughters by my side guiding me in subtle ways.  They are good to me, so good.

 

With love…

 

 

To Flourish and Grow

My heart and mind has been infected by sorrow and misery over the loss of my youngest daughter. There isn’t a day that goes by that she isn’t on my mind and that I don’t question why she did what she did. The pain in my heart caused overwhelming despair, from the knowledge she chose to remove me from her life and have nothing to do with me any more. The pain I feel is real, however with each passing day the pain lessens and my emotional fortitude flourishes and grows. I see amazing profound changes in me as I grow into myself now I don’t have a spouse holding me back not allowing m to grow.

I will not allow what my child and ex did to change me in bitter angry ways, it just isn’t who I am. My life is far different than I expected, but who I am is a happy and positive person and I will NOT give any part of myself to wasting time over the past and I will not give them satisfaction to think I was broken by what they did. Yes what was done hurt, but I WILL NOT spend my entire life waiting I am moving on.

I am incredibly grateful to my two other daughters, (her older sisters), they let me know how much I mean to them and how much they love me in wondrous, giving ways. They have made it clear that it was nothing I did, that I am an amazing mother and it is their sisters’ choice and ultimate loss. Whether or not this is completely true, they believe it and I believe in them. I am so appreciative for how they have stood by me loving me and supporting me all along on this hard road they too have traversed. They too have been through an ordeal and deserve all the love in my heart and and more. May we continue to have a sweet calmness that continues to bring much joy and happiness in our lives. In an instant I would do anything for them I know they realize that and know how deeply I love them. I dearly love the young women they have become in spite of what they had to endure.

I am sad because of what their sister (and father) did, that they want nothing to do with them. I wish this wasn’t the case as family matters, but it is how they feel. What happened didn’t have to happen, but my ex was bitter over me not wanting to be married to him any more or wanting anything to do with him and not willing to take (more) responsibility for hung he did). I went through every avenue to avoid a hostile divorce, but I wasn’t willing to sell my soul to prevent his aggression and violent outbursts and I wasn’t willing to give up who I was up. For years I had given in every conceivable way to make our marriage work. I was done, completely and utterly.

Don’t get me wrong, I did things I shouldn’t of over the years, we all do, but at what point does what he did to me and our children finally reflect on the unscrupulous person he is? When will realization come that he was abusive to me (and our children); emotionally and verbally and every way in between? When will I no longer be vilified by those that think my saying the things he did was wrong? When I finally felt I had my voice back and my power over my own life and was able to put out what he did I was condemn like I shouldn’t have voiced what he did. Yet those people not once walked in my shoes or tried to understand what I endured or realized what abuse does to the victim(s). For years I tried so hard to be a good wife, and nothing worked. I realized in the mist of the divorce staying with him had done more harm to my beautiful daughters when all I wanted to do was what was best for them. The truth is I didn’t realize I was abused for so long. I saw myself as strong and what he did as acceptable. It wasn’t.

Nothing he did was acceptable, the lying, steeling, spending, cheating, hitting, breaking of things, the aggression or the narcissist way he was and is. He isn’t a good person, has a Jekyll and Hyde personality, is smooth and charming to the people he wants to be to and is awful to the people he should be close to. I feel the only person he cares about is himself. He loves money and thinks he is entitled.

Some day he will finally be completely out of my life. I look forward to that day with joy, but until then I know nothing I say or do is off limits to him and can and will be manipulated by him to fit into any scheme he chooses to make me look bad. Even the most honest of things I have said or done he has turned around to his favor. I didn’t think he could hurt me when I got divorce, but he did, he is vindictive and cut throat. I continue to overcome what he has done, and let go as I grow. I don’t have time for him or going over what he did, I left him for a reason.

This weekend is a busy one. My college age daughters will be with me as we celebrate the oldest graduation. In spite of what they have endured they have shown great resilience. I love them so much and and extremely proud of who they are.

Life is Beautiful.

Goodbye

Upon waking this morning, I looked at the clock and decided I wasn’t going to rush. It occurred to me the entire weekend I woke early and paced myself and then comes Monday, where I need to rush. I’m tired of rushing. So I didn’t. I paced myself and let it go. I don’t need self induced stress, so I’m not going to have it anymore. Life is too short.

I thought about the plans that got canceled and how I was so interested in getting done what I needed to for the plans, when it didn’t matter because the plans didn’t happen. It’s as if the universe is telling me to take a breath and focus on just myself and slow down and enjoy the moment. After all the only person I need to impress is me.

I have no desire to flaunt myself or aspects of my life. I’m an average person with aspirations and dreams just like anyone else. I have loved deeply and lost profoundly where the pain has left deep scars that while healed still are sensitive and easily get hurt because of the newness of the scars. The newness of the scar still is raw and causes me pain.

I’m tired, so tired and drained. I have come to a point in my life that I don’t hold out hope, I have moved on, but truthfully the things that happened have shown me the true nature of people. They are vicious, mean, controlling, judgmental and above all insensitive to someone else’s experience. The saying is unless you have walked in my shoes don’t judge me, and I have been judged in the harshest of ways. I’ve been judge by others who believed they had a say in my life and my divorce. To all of them I hope no one ever does to you what you did to me. You did not endure what I did and had no right to judge me.

This week, it is all present. I have to keep level headed and focus on now and whats ahead with my two daughters. I have to keep my mind clear and not dwell, let go, move on and do for myself. I can’t change anyone but me, and I can make sure I take care of my needs, both emotional and otherwise. This week will be used to reflect.

The thing about hurting someone intentionally is you have to live with yourself and what you have done and the consequences of your actions. Pushing it out of your head will only cause it to haunt you. It also shows what kind of person you are. I would never do what was done to me by any of the people who contributed. I know unequivocally it was done with malice and hate. All I can say is goodbye to all of you, may you never have to deal with pain anywhere near what you caused me.

My tears may they cleanse me, heal me and help me forget.