Time

Time.  We all think we have plenty of time in our lives for our families, our children and the things we want to do in life.  Our children will always be there and will make the time for us and always love us.  Life can change so fast, it is unbelievable how fast it can.  Because of life altering changes that have happened to me recently, I honestly cannot say where I will be in even a month, let alone a year.  

We all think time goes by at a relatively slow pace, giving us time “later” to do many of the things we both love and begrudgingly need to, haveta do.  Because of something that I have been through, it has made me realize even more how time moves faster than I had ever anticipated.  I don’t have time to put off what I want to do or would like to do, or even dreams I have.  Not that I only think of myself, but because I lost someone I though was close to me, it made me realize how much I miss what I had and that I won’t be able to get back.

For me this was an eye opener to not take for granted my own needs and wants.  For so long I put my family and children ahead of what I needed and wanted to make sure I could have the family I had always dreamt about.  Unfortuantely, you cannot force your dreams on others, and you cannot make people you love stay.  A much harder lesson to learn, and unfortuantly it is learned the hard way, is people are not who you want them to be, they are who they want to be. 

My family and children ment the world to me, but at some point I had to walk away from a marriage that made me unhappy and made me say, “Is this as good as it gets, what is my life worth in a life I hate?”  My marriage was toxic, riddled with anger, voilence and control and so much pain.  Looking back now, I see that I was indeed an abused woman, emotionally and physically and not treated like I was even a person most of the time.  Had I realized it sooner and had more courage I would have walked away sooner, but I did finally walk away.  I see the pain, hurt and damage it did to my children and knowing I was party to that, well, it breaks my heart. 

While I cannot change the past, I can change my future and alter what I want my time remaining on this plant to entail. If what I have gone though has taught me anything, it has brought to light how much time matters and how much the peopl you love need to know.  What we do with what we have as a person, is how our mark is left behind.  I don’t need a house full of possession, I need the people I love, the earth I walk on and simple things, like a rainy day, my dog sitting at my feet, my daughters laughing at me, or their sweet voices saying I love you.   

For much of my life I turned off the voice inside myself that had dreams and wants.  In some ways it was because I felt I had to, and in others ways it was because I felt like I didn’t matter, now I wish I had never done that.  It should have always mattered to me, I should have valued myself and loved myself to see, or rather hear, I was listening to someone elses insecurities.  Those people were and always have been wrong, it wasn’t me it was who they were and how they valued who they were. 

As I have aged, I now see even more the importance of starting our children off with the things that truly matter; our devoted time, love, attention, a calm demeanor, nurturing them, giving them comfort by setting up boundaries so they feel safe and secure, and talking to them. I did all of these things, but I know I could have done more and I would have.  

Take the time,  make the time, value people, give love unconditionally, after all time is gone before you know it, and there is no going back. 

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