Ahem: On My Own Terms

IMG_3777.JPGI had a plan.  Setting my alarm for 5:30  I wanted to be out the door by 6:00 to get a bike ride in before work.  I frequent the Arboretum not too far from where I work and knew this would be the perfect place to ride my bike.  The morning was on the cool side and it was a bit overcast, but more like the morning was breaking dawn and overcast from changing from night, in addition it had also rained.  The previous night I loaded my bike into my car, and put together my swimming bag.  I workout regularly, you know a health club athlete.  LOL.  Taking my bike to ride before work and my bag to swim after work, well, it is a different me.  I like the change.

I ended up getting up at out of bed at 6:00 am, showered and was gone by 6:30, at the Arboretum by 7:00.  Unbeknownst to me, the Arboretum doesn’t open until 7:00 am!  Yeah me!! I couldn’t get over how serene and peaceful the morning was and I was actually up and ready to go.  Getting on my bike, I started off slow for the first turn, and was already wondering if I would be able to do this.  I am not in bad shape by any means, but I could already tell I was not in as good of shape as I though and it would be a work out.  Not that it is overly hilly, but it seemed like mountains to this novice rider, who’s normal bike ride is in a health club!  Don’t get me wrong I do ride out side of the club, on our local (mostly flat) trails so new the terrain was a challenge that I was going to overcome.  I only had to walk one area, which disappointed me greatly but overall I did a great job.  In addition I was still able to walk normal and work fine!I wish I had spent more time looking at the forested area, marsh and open prairie, but all my focus was just about on being able to not give up.  I could feel my lungs burning and working in over drive with each mountain, hem, I mean hill.  It was a great feeling to tell you the truth.


I do have to say the weather today was perfect, but on the cool breezy side especially for swimming.  However I told myself I was going to swim laps this summer and not let the weather effect me and thats what I did.  I set up my spot, walked over to the pool and did the proverbial toe dunk and swish with my right foot, and was happy to find the water temperature was warm.  I decided to sit on the edge and push myself into the pool submersing myself all the way to get over any shock from the temperature change. Its funny, the toe dunk is a test of sorts to test the waters so to speak, however I still had to get in the pool to swim.  Knowing or not knowing wouldn’t have made a difference, because I was getting in.  I was pleasantly surprised however, first because the water was warm, and second because I wasn’t cold.

I am not a swimmer, I never took swimming lesson growing up or really swam and really haven’t been a fan of the water, but because my life has been turned around so much and far different than I ever expected, I decided if my world was change like that, I was going to change my world on my own terms.  I did four laps and was exhausted.  I hoped I didn’t look too ridiculous with my attempt at swimming, after all I hadn’t yet drown myself, but I was tired and ready to get out of the pool.  In a few minutes time I had dried off and warmed up enough to spent a good amount of time reading and watching how other people swam. A study of sorts to perfect my own game. When I finally got myself ready to go in my second time, I was confident I would do better, I just needed to take my time and focus.  I had contemplated doing another two laps, but believe it or not, I was tired.  Tired from the getting up early, doing a hilly bike ride and now swimming a total of eight haphazard laps.  Phew.

I got out of the pool, dried off again and proceeded to read.  No it wasn’t warm but when the sun came out it was pleasant and I  was relaxed, so relaxed.  Sigh.  The book I had just started the night prior, “Just Listen” was a good use of my lounging time and actually allowed me to relax more and just be in the moment. Who says you can’t multitask! it was during this time I took my phone out for that cool shot of the sky showing a hidden sun.  You wouldn’t believe it but my arms are like rubber.  I can feel my upper arms in a different way from a weighted workout, they aren’t sore more like a fatigue.


It’s good to change it up.  I am looking forward to sleep. My eyes are heavy and I am tired, but I can honestly say it was a good day.  A day I truly needed.  I am trying so hard, and yet I have such hard days.  Finding closure when there is none is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, some days I don’t know how I do it when those feelings can be so strong and overpowering.  Asking over and over doesn’t help, but I so want answers and have to know I will never have them and just have to accept that.  No matter how many times I am told it will change the damage has been done and it was purposeful.  Truth be told I know it won’t, and that is a devastating reality. As much as I am devastated I don’t know if I could ever accept someone back in my life who has done such awful things to me.

I have my flow chart of of experiences I want to have.  I call it that because some of the things I find I want to do I don’t yet know I want to do.  Some of those experiences lead into another as I try new things: inevitably learning and growing.  So far I have taken up cello, started this blog, taken up public speaking of sorts, gone to eat on my own, went to a move, drove to a retreat in another state, joined meditation, started swimming, become my own advocate, did college visits and moved my one daughter into the college of her dreams and become more me.  Silly as that sounds now that I don’t have children under eighteen living with me, I can put myself first.  Again not what I wanted, but I have to take care of myself and enjoy my life.

It has been a long day, my dog is asleep on my bed, my eyes are heavy and I must go to bed.  May tomorrow be everything and more.




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