I am hopeful yet apprehensive about the direction my life will ultimately take, and while I can do what I know is best for me, I in no way can really control my life. As hard as it is to let go of the pain I feel over what has transpired, it helps me to be realistic in knowing I am not perfect. It also causes me to keep asking the same angonizing questions over and over, in hopes of getting some sort of pull to change what has happened and get some clearer understanding. I know in now way does it sound logical, it isn’t logical, but when you don’t have answers its hard to live with none. We all seek answers to questions that for what ever reason have no real answers. We even go so far as to make up answers to saciate our need for closure, but somewhere in the back of our mind we know that they are not anything more that our hope, even if the answer fits.
I started this blog to help me over come aspects of my life that had taken away part of who I was. I could literally feel myself coming back to life when I wrote, I could feel the hope and desire coming back to me and the awful things done to me finally being healed from within and a deep sense of peace and happiness grow within me. I wrote with truth and honesty thinking people who knew me would stand by me, and the truth would keep me safe. None of that was the case. My words were used against me and yet again the person who for years did everything in his power to strip the person I was, did it again. Thing were made up about me, my words were twisted and again he came out looking like someone he wasn’t. Open Road was the poem (yes poorly written, but mine) that was used to say I didn’t want my child. In actuality it was me trying to come to terms with what was going on. In addition none of the other poems pertaining to her were never used but this one, if they had it would have clearly showed how much I loved her and wanted her. Alas none of this matters anymore. When it was all said and done, she too lied on his behalf wiping me out.
Over all of this I have come to learn there is no-one who is truly there for you but yourself. I owe it to who I am, really to who I want to be, to live my life and grow, grow strong, independent and secure. I no longer let fear dictate who I am, it only is used to guide me in respect to not letting it control me anymore. I know if I feel afraid I am moving in the right direction. By setting all fear aside, and just doing what needs to be done, I know I have strengthen myself when I allow the fear to guide me. We think of fear as something to avoid and not do, but I now think of fear is something I need to listen to to do what I necessarily wouldn’t. I don’t allow the feelings normally associated with fear to take root any longer, I acknowledge how I feel and dismiss the feelings to focus on what I must do. I am in control and will not let anyone take who I am away from me. The Spider
The sayin goes, you don’t know how strong you are until you have to be, even though I find the saying more like nails on a chalkboard, mundane and cliche it is every bit true. There are things I now do that I would have never done or would have never though I could do had I not had to go through what I did to move on. I still don’t know how I managed to handle all I did. As I write this, a realization has come to me, which is this. I know for the majority of people we come in contact with we don’t matter not as we do to our children. One of the reasons losing my child hurt so much is because they mattered to me so many many ways. The gave me so much in return. I truly believed if I loved and nurtured them, grew with them, treated them with respect and love, talked with them listened to them, let them know in every way possible how important they were to me, we would have a bond that would be unbreakable. I wrongly believed I would always be loved by (all of) them and in their lives.
I’m told two out of three isn’t bad. If you’re talking about something other than children I’d agree. But children are part of you and you never get over a loss. I do know my two other beautiful daughters have been there every step of the way helping me and loving me. I know I am every bit of the mother I set out to be with them, because I see it in the relationship we have. I see how close the other two are to one another, talking daily being there for each other. I see how they are to me and the love they show me, calling me often. No matter how independent they are or where they are in life, they will always be the best part of who I am. The best thing I have ever done was becoming a mother and watching them grow. I love them with all my heart and thank them for helping me become who I am. I respect them so much.
There is a brokenness that we evolve into over time. Our years of living make us the poised polished accepting souls we become. We erroneously see these type of people as being unaffected by life, happy and giving, when it is from life that they have become who they are. The value of relationships, love, kindness, care, growth and happiness cover the imperfections, showing only symmetry. We take for granted that the perfection we see are real, that is because we only see the aftermath of the metamorphosis.
I cannot change what has come to be. But I will not allow someone else to dictate my life; who I am or how I feel. One day at a time, taking in the moments and just living. My kids are grown but I will never be an empty nester. They always come home…
And I will be here with open arms