So much of life is built on ritual and ceremony, to tether us to our need to connect to the world and people around us. An important facet of life is our ability to connect to others, however we need to take the time to understand ourself and connect to our inner most self. As silly as this may sound, so many people don’t understand or know who they are or what they want out of life or even how they feel, they are not attuned with their self and are afraid to push beyond the comfort zone they feel safe in. But are we really safe in that place? We do stop growing when we are confined in our safe zone and the lack of growth is unhealthy.
I say being stagnant is not only unhealthy, but it is not a safe place. I allowed fear to hold me back to the point I was not living in a way that allowed me to grow and flourish or even fail. I have had times in my life were I was better at holistically taking care of myself, I ate right, exercised, was mindful and was attuned with who I was, but I didn’t really live I didn’t push past my boundaries to grow. Last year I fell off of the wellbeing wagon while I was experiencing life for the first time in twenty-two years. Out of nowhere I was exposed as a terrible mother by lies that were not true and my daughter turned her back on me with help from her father. It was the worst heart break I have ever encountered, to the point I don’t know how I survived and made it where I am now. I am not a perfect person but I was a wonderful mother I love them all deeply and would have done anything for any of them. Daily I work on overcoming the retribution I have been put through, I work out; cardio, weight training, and stretching, I eat healthfully, I meditate, taking time for nature, self reflection and introspection, I work hard to expand my boundaries by trying new things and I continue to become stronger every day, making sure I am self-assertive and an advocated over my own life.
I cannot undue the lies said about me, change the heinous things my ex husband did, or bring back my child. I cannot even change how she thinks and feels about me, but I can grow, move on and continue to move forward to be the best version of myself I can. I need to live my life for me, I need to let go of the angry feelings and the deep hurt the years of an unhealthy marriage did to me and the ultimate loss of my daughter did. At the end of the day it matters not and prevents me from not moving forward to be able to grow. Like a bag fluttering in the wind, filling with air, I am the bag (juxtaposed ), eloquently free falling to a place of hope where I can finally let go of the hurt and pain I was put through, but the wind prevents me from being able to take hold. I don’t want to have to continually have these feelings come up, I want to move past them but at the same time I wish for once people would see who he was and what he did. I know it shouldn’t matter, but I want for once to be seen how I really am. I want to be free of the pain. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my children, and now I need to do that for myself.
I don’t know what that road will end up looking like, I can tell you it was not the road I ultimately set out on. I though by being an honest and good person and loving my children unconditionally it would be enough. It isn’t and has not been for the youngest. I lost more than I should have, but I can tell you this, I will not allow this to define me or dictate who I am as a person. I do not need approval from others and I need to stop looking for it. It should be more than enough I know the truth. I must stop seeking it from others like my opinion is not good enough when it is. Rarely are we the cause of why people do what they do. We just feel the repercussions of what they do and we have to live with it, like it or not.
I don’t like it, in fact I hate it, but I can either accept it or move on,
I am moving on.