To Flourish and Grow

My heart and mind has been infected by sorrow and misery over the loss of my youngest daughter. There isn’t a day that goes by that she isn’t on my mind and that I don’t question why she did what she did. The pain in my heart caused overwhelming despair, from the knowledge she chose to remove me from her life and have nothing to do with me any more. The pain I feel is real, however with each passing day the pain lessens and my emotional fortitude flourishes and grows. I see amazing profound changes in me as I grow into myself now I don’t have a spouse holding me back not allowing m to grow.

I will not allow what my child and ex did to change me in bitter angry ways, it just isn’t who I am. My life is far different than I expected, but who I am is a happy and positive person and I will NOT give any part of myself to wasting time over the past and I will not give them satisfaction to think I was broken by what they did. Yes what was done hurt, but I WILL NOT spend my entire life waiting I am moving on.

I am incredibly grateful to my two other daughters, (her older sisters), they let me know how much I mean to them and how much they love me in wondrous, giving ways. They have made it clear that it was nothing I did, that I am an amazing mother and it is their sisters’ choice and ultimate loss. Whether or not this is completely true, they believe it and I believe in them. I am so appreciative for how they have stood by me loving me and supporting me all along on this hard road they too have traversed. They too have been through an ordeal and deserve all the love in my heart and and more. May we continue to have a sweet calmness that continues to bring much joy and happiness in our lives. In an instant I would do anything for them I know they realize that and know how deeply I love them. I dearly love the young women they have become in spite of what they had to endure.

I am sad because of what their sister (and father) did, that they want nothing to do with them. I wish this wasn’t the case as family matters, but it is how they feel. What happened didn’t have to happen, but my ex was bitter over me not wanting to be married to him any more or wanting anything to do with him and not willing to take (more) responsibility for hung he did). I went through every avenue to avoid a hostile divorce, but I wasn’t willing to sell my soul to prevent his aggression and violent outbursts and I wasn’t willing to give up who I was up. For years I had given in every conceivable way to make our marriage work. I was done, completely and utterly.

Don’t get me wrong, I did things I shouldn’t of over the years, we all do, but at what point does what he did to me and our children finally reflect on the unscrupulous person he is? When will realization come that he was abusive to me (and our children); emotionally and verbally and every way in between? When will I no longer be vilified by those that think my saying the things he did was wrong? When I finally felt I had my voice back and my power over my own life and was able to put out what he did I was condemn like I shouldn’t have voiced what he did. Yet those people not once walked in my shoes or tried to understand what I endured or realized what abuse does to the victim(s). For years I tried so hard to be a good wife, and nothing worked. I realized in the mist of the divorce staying with him had done more harm to my beautiful daughters when all I wanted to do was what was best for them. The truth is I didn’t realize I was abused for so long. I saw myself as strong and what he did as acceptable. It wasn’t.

Nothing he did was acceptable, the lying, steeling, spending, cheating, hitting, breaking of things, the aggression or the narcissist way he was and is. He isn’t a good person, has a Jekyll and Hyde personality, is smooth and charming to the people he wants to be to and is awful to the people he should be close to. I feel the only person he cares about is himself. He loves money and thinks he is entitled.

Some day he will finally be completely out of my life. I look forward to that day with joy, but until then I know nothing I say or do is off limits to him and can and will be manipulated by him to fit into any scheme he chooses to make me look bad. Even the most honest of things I have said or done he has turned around to his favor. I didn’t think he could hurt me when I got divorce, but he did, he is vindictive and cut throat. I continue to overcome what he has done, and let go as I grow. I don’t have time for him or going over what he did, I left him for a reason.

This weekend is a busy one. My college age daughters will be with me as we celebrate the oldest graduation. In spite of what they have endured they have shown great resilience. I love them so much and and extremely proud of who they are.

Life is Beautiful.

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