Clambering on my life had changed to a more biophilic existence, filled with as much organic and natural surrounding that could holistically shroud me from the unnatural way life seemed to be, now that everything was inundation with technology and of course dissipating drama. I longed for the even ebb and flow of life, the stoic way nature had always felt to me and made me feel. Slowly, after everything that was dirtily handed to me, I was finally, albite slowly returning to my roots. The soft subtle sounds of birds singing on a overcast day, melodious and calming, the intense heat of the late spring sun, powerful and yet relinquishing. Purpose and hope stirred in my veins coursing through my reawakening heart, as I finally realized I was past a hurdle. It clearly wasn’t premature or arduous of me to have a feeling of kismet over the momentum my life had gained, especially now I was no longer thewless in nature. Yes I had indeed stepped over a hurdle and literally could feel the change in my disposition.
It has been a gregarious year for me, something I am not all that familiar with, however it has been needed exposure for my overall well-being. I have had many eye opening experiences, that have enhanced who I am and allowed me to grow, and now that I have move past the carking times I see I am resilient in ways I would have never fathomed. I do not want to have any mercurial times again, nor do I want to have to broach the subject of how to similar experiences ever again. I was deracinated by my own child. While I learned from it, it was a gut wrenching experience that slowly has improved with time, and the things that bring me joy. I still cannot fathom how a child can do what she did to me but really it doesn’t matter as I cannot change what was done.
In order to over come that loss I had to work hard to get past the grief and find healthy ways to deal with the thewless that came on overnight. I began to write, I worked out more and would go over to a friends house. I picked up activities to fill my time, which in turn became great growth potentials. The more things I do, the more new things I want to try. I have never been adventurous, but you had better believe I have been developing a adventrous streak. Why? Because after years of giving to my children and putting them first, and then having the youngest tear my heart out I just couldn’t wallow and let what she did define me. It was overwhelming enough that I din’t need to put myself in purgatory or close myself off. It was time to let go as much as I didn’t want to and put my all into myself and my life. But what do you do when you have no choice. Well you can either give up and not live, or live and experience life. I chose to live and experience life as I worked on pushing past the pain.
This weekend is a busy one. My daughters who love me depend on me, and I them. They are my biggest supports and cheer me on. They have helped me through the dark times and continue to stand by me. I am proud of them and I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them. While it is their time to be off on their own, It is also time for me to be as well. For the first time in my life, I am outgoing, learning to let go and experience life and enjoin myself. I have my daughters by my side guiding me in subtle ways. They are good to me, so good.