Indelibly I Will Go On

The debilitating transformation my life has undergone I would have never imagined having to endure, not in any of my wildest dreams.  I can’t say I have had copious amounts of joy with how it has morphed or that I found any comfort in the totality of the pain I had to learn to move forward through, but there is something about deep seeded sorrow and pain that does something to change you, for the better if you let it. I’m letting it.

I have lost a child to indelible lies and fabrication, on her part and from her other parent, and it has made me realize how little I meant to that child.  It has also shown me how vengeful her coparent has been and is toward me for leaving and divorcing him.  The sad truth of the matter is, I tried so hard for many years, too many years.  I clearly see how they both think and are, and it makes me sad to know I had anyone in my life like that.  The child like her siblings (from the same coparent) mean everything to me, but I will not allow the pedigree  of who she is dictate how I live my life.  How much I love her will not change, even if how I feel has.  She has made sure I am nothing to her by not only what she said, but what she did to sever our relationship, that long with my coparent who she resides with.    I have and will always be heart broken for what has been done but there is nothing I can do too change what has been done.  She is gone, and has made it clear I am not wanted.

I know I seem heartless, but it was made clear by the actions she and my coparent displayed what was though of me and any family member on my side.  The knife went in deep from their actions.  Their actions alone have wiped out  who I am and her family on my side is, from her vocabulary.  Anyone on my side on any level is nothing and there isn’t a damn thing can do to change that, nor will I.  Thanks to everyone who supported him when you knew who he was.  If you ask if I am bitter, yes I am.  That child meant everything to me, (like her siblings)  and I would have never made her choose, I always put her first no matter what lies were told.  In fact I told her I would never make her choose in any way no matter how I felt and yet my coparent did and friends of mine who thought I had no right to say what happened.  To those I say who the hell are you?!

It has been a difficult 10 months of grief, but I am finally accepting what has come to pass and what is, and I am moving on dealing with how she feels and thinks about me and that I will no longer be in her life.  As the coparent said, “she doesn’t want anything to do with her mother and doesn’t want a relationship with her because of what she did. WTF did I do?  I have no choice but to come to terms and accept what is, I have no choice.  I know I was a good mother in so many ways,  but I cannot allow what has happened with her and the coparent to make my life not matter to me.  My life matters to me greatly and I will live my life and make it fruitful in every way.   I have moved on.

I talked to her siblings about why they are so despondent and emotionally void when it comes to her.  Their answer was, she lied, stole, and treated you awful, she doesn’t deserve to have you or us and that is why we feel like we do. I wish that wasn’t the case,  just like I wish my coparent didn’t do what he did to sever the relationship he had with the other two.  It was not me and yet that is the story.

I have been hurt, but I will not let it ruin my life.  I have to go on and live.  Happiness is everything to me and always has been.


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