Upon waking this morning, I looked at the clock and decided I wasn’t going to rush. It occurred to me the entire weekend I woke early and paced myself and then comes Monday, where I need to rush. I’m tired of rushing. So I didn’t. I paced myself and let it go. I don’t need self induced stress, so I’m not going to have it anymore. Life is too short.
I thought about the plans that got canceled and how I was so interested in getting done what I needed to for the plans, when it didn’t matter because the plans didn’t happen. It’s as if the universe is telling me to take a breath and focus on just myself and slow down and enjoy the moment. After all the only person I need to impress is me.
I have no desire to flaunt myself or aspects of my life. I’m an average person with aspirations and dreams just like anyone else. I have loved deeply and lost profoundly where the pain has left deep scars that while healed still are sensitive and easily get hurt because of the newness of the scars. The newness of the scar still is raw and causes me pain.
I’m tired, so tired and drained. I have come to a point in my life that I don’t hold out hope, I have moved on, but truthfully the things that happened have shown me the true nature of people. They are vicious, mean, controlling, judgmental and above all insensitive to someone else’s experience. The saying is unless you have walked in my shoes don’t judge me, and I have been judged in the harshest of ways. I’ve been judge by others who believed they had a say in my life and my divorce. To all of them I hope no one ever does to you what you did to me. You did not endure what I did and had no right to judge me.
This week, it is all present. I have to keep level headed and focus on now and whats ahead with my two daughters. I have to keep my mind clear and not dwell, let go, move on and do for myself. I can’t change anyone but me, and I can make sure I take care of my needs, both emotional and otherwise. This week will be used to reflect.
The thing about hurting someone intentionally is you have to live with yourself and what you have done and the consequences of your actions. Pushing it out of your head will only cause it to haunt you. It also shows what kind of person you are. I would never do what was done to me by any of the people who contributed. I know unequivocally it was done with malice and hate. All I can say is goodbye to all of you, may you never have to deal with pain anywhere near what you caused me.
My tears may they cleanse me, heal me and help me forget.