I live in an imaginary bubble of prophetic wisdom and knowledge, tranquility and love. I know the bubble isn’t really there accept in my minds eye, which I am growing from my own experiences, good and bad. But by taking (my) painful experiences, and growing a euphorically symbolic bubble, I am turning my sorrow and pain back into loving kindness I can pass on to others. If I can help anyone and give them confidence and hope, it helps me to let go of any and all pain I have.
It is at the times of greatest pain and loss we grow the most, probably because we are faced with harsh reality and need to find our way out on any and all levels. I have worked my butt off to move forward and let go, and move on. I have worked hard to find out who I really am and why I had to suffer so greatly. I know I will not have substantial answers that will quantify my desire to know, but somehow having moved forward has been enough to quell the desire to have those questions repeated over and over for the purpose of get them answered. Truth be told there really is no answer I would be satisfied with that would make me feel at ease with the events that unfolded.
There is no way I will be ok with any of it, yet at the same time, what happened has made me strive to be a kinder person on all fronts, as well as work on experiencing life to the fullest. You see I do not need anyone to make me happy, I should be able to do that on my own by focusing on what I like and what brings me joy. For instance I am now completely comfortable doing things I didn’t do in my marriage. I wonder if me not doing some of those things was a result of how uncomfortable I was with my ex. I can only assume yes.
My losses over the last few years, have been some of the hardest I have had to overcome, ever. The more heartfelt the losses, the harder they have been to move on from, and the harder the lesson learned. My two children make a point to tell me for them they don’t care about the young woman they knew and think I should give up on her as she is a bad person and lied. I respect how they feel, but I wish it hadn’t come to that. Unfortunately it has and their is nothing that can be done to change it but move on.
I am moving on. I see how hard life is and I want to be someone other’s see as a positive light, kind and helpful. I can’t change what has come to pass, but I can change how I chose to heal, grow and help others, especially myself. I’ve let go, my life isn’t on hold and I am not wallowing in sorrow and loss. In stead I am working on living my life, taking classes, meeting new people, going out, driving all over, working on trying new and exciting things, and working on my bucket list flow chart. In the next few years I am planning on completing those items on my list. So far I have: worked on public speaking, joined a committee where I am in the public eye, joined a singles group, glass blown, driven to another state for a class, taken up an instrument; cello, joined a divorce group, overcome fear by meeting it head on and letting go, worked on personal issue that have held me back, and become a kinder person, because kindness matters.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I am perfect. I am not. I am human and I am working toward my life changing while having affirming growth for my own self nurturing and happiness. I am learning to see the world and people in general in a new way. I want to be the kindness I would have wanted for myself when I was going through so much, and if I can help one person and give them something back, we’ll it helps me grow.
Time is a healer. The injury will fully heal and a scar will be left as a reminder. But in the end it won’t matter because you cannot change what was done, just move on and let go holding on to happiness. My happiness is two daughters who love me, a dog given by my oldest, my friends, and all the people who love me, and what I strive for, my own happiness.