All the Time

The art of finding myself has changed me with each new undertaking. It’s as if the more (healthy) new things I try, the more I understand my past, and the more my need to learn has increased. I strive for a deeper and healthier understanding of what it means for me to be alive, and what it means to live a good healthy life. In many ways my need to find solace from my past experiences has caused me to become my own mentor. I have worked hard to find healthy ways to push out of the confines I lived in for years and be, well the true me.

The confines I was held in previously have made me realize, upon reflection, that they were more due to the person I was with, than my own way of being/thinking. Although I limited myself and stopped myself from living my life, (because of how my ex was), I never fully understood how my ex made me feel, until my epiphany happen. It was a gradual process I have grown and gained understanding from, I now see I had no personal identity outside of our marriage, and no “real” independence per say. Whether it was an intentional dynamic he set on his part or something I felt I had to do based on how he was toward me, I’ll never know, I just know the relationship we had was toxic in every conceivable way.

The relationship I’m in now allows me to have my own identity both in the relationship and outside of it. Each day, I see how good it is and how I am growing in leaps and bounds. This relationship is by far the healthiest relationship I have been in romantically and otherwise, and I feel how content I am. I in no way am saying I should discount totally the years I was with my ex, or what I went through, overall I did learned from my past relationship in many positive ways, and while the experience was horrible it took hindsight to see what I gained.

I was deathly worried about repeating the past. If you only knew the fear I had and how I analyzed the potential of having someone in my life who dictated who I was, and who wouldn’t allow me to be an individual. I deeply worried I wouldn’t see the person clearly and it stopped me cold in my tracks time and again. I was so worried to date anyone, that when I dated anyone who offended me in any way, I ended it with a guillotine response. You see I would rather be with no one than someone who treated me in the obtrusive ways my ex did in so many ways, over and over again.

I should have never been with my ex, let alone married him, but make no mistake I see the error of my ways. In fact I’m sure that if my ex hadn’t already, he would have slept with my mother and all of my friends given half the chance. At this point I wouldn’t put it past him with everything that he did and put me through time and again. I believed anything he did or said, which was a really dumb thing on my part, considering how much he lied over and over.

The man I am dating now I never expected to date, nor did I expect to ever like him. He is a man who allows me to be me and treats me well, in every sense of the word. He is more than ok with who I am and he is ok with me having my own identity outside of our relationship. This is new to me. I have learned I must take everything in the relationship as if it is a first and not respond until after I analyze and refilter on it, so I have clarity. My ex would point out my faults, correct me, and make me feel like I wasn’t ok. It has taken me a very L O N G time to realize that it was his issue and not mine.

On the flip side, I like the man I am dating now; he is kind, considerate, aware, honest, genuine and I see him as a friend. I find I am completely comfortable with him and I am myself around him all the time. It’s a nice feeling. I can tell you this, I’m in no hurry and I won’t rush into any relationship. Yes I enjoy his company and I like him, and I know he feels the same, but making sure we are both on the right track is more important to me. Why? Well it’s my life, and I deserve happiness and everything that comes with it. However, I am more than willing to give my all, just like I would anything else of importance.

Like anything in life as much as we hate to admit it, it takes time…

Here’s to me.

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