Whether or Not

It’s a blustery April morning, light snow is falling chaotically, due to the wind. The snow on the road in front of me, a dry powder, is blowing in wave like motions. As I sit in my car waiting the churning snow mesmerizes me and causes my thoughts to drift off as I wait.

The natural chaos of life in its own way creates a consistency of sorts almost pattern like. The fact, pain and suffering is inevitable while we are surrounded by such beauty, causes me to take pause over my own life. How do I contribute to my own existence? Does my genuine nature, open, and caring disposition help my outcome in the same way physics and math rule the universe? Does how I improve myself by becoming more mindful, playing music, writing, etc, aid me in a better life?

Since my divorce I think about how much I have changed, I have become more confident, ready to take risks and am not fearful of failure like I once was. I think about what has gone on in my life, my willingness to face what comes my way and and be okay with the state of where I am, (for the most part). A ridiculous amount of my life has changed, those experiences have not stymied me as they could have, but yet at the same time I can see how aspects have stayed the same.

With each wave like movement of the snow dancing across the blacktop, I see how my life ebbs and flows. As if my life is concentric circles, my experiences ripples out increasing my knowledge base and broadening how I view the world and adapt. Giving up has never been an option, sometimes gaining my momentum has been a struggle, however I am willing to learn and work on broadening my thinking. The fact I have become more mindful in many respects, (which still is a work in progress) has been an enormous help.

It’s bitterly cold out, just a few days ago it was mild, the sun was shining, but certainly not warm. What we remember or forget, isn’t always something we choose, but make no mistake all those experiences mold and form who we are. We tend to recall the negative experiences because they erode and impacts our perceptions and beliefs in a profound way, but those experiences allow for the greatest growth, that is if you are willing to learn from them. Examination of how we perceive and filtering negative scenarios by critically and logically thinking can be life affirming. You know, “take it with a grain of salt,” approach. As I have been told for years, slow down. Would I change the past if I could? Yes most definitely I would have. I would have done more for myself and put my needs first. I would have let things go and walked away, but I wasn’t the person I am now, nor was I ready. The fact remains life is a fine line to which it can be balance, and that balancing act will never become perfected. There is a plethora of factors that both make life predicable and unpredictable, much like the weather.

We all have free will to choose, to see our part and take charge of our lives. This is “my” life and from now on I choose what happens with what I can as a person do. I am a leader, I am confident and I am kind. Welcome to life!

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