Toxic Fear

Moments in time freeze in our mind becoming memories.  Some of the memories are wonderful and heartwarming, giving us purpose, and, well, others are toxic and bring heart ache and pain.  There is no rhyme or reason for which moments we experince which will be stored into memory or what will bring them forth to be remembered.  

All memories, but more so the toxic unhealthily ones, are the most meaningful and can facilitate the most growth.  That is if you choose to delve into those painful experiences and use them for insight and introspecition.  In many ways we are who we are based on genetics and early experiences, however I do believe we still have the power to change and overcome much of what we put our minds to.  Our growth potential is only limited by what we believe we can or can’t do.  

Pain can cause many personal struggles and inabilities that prevent one from being able to move forward. Its as if you get stuck in the reality of the pain but live in a false bravado of hurt and the pain that was caused.  Over and over again you feel what has happened unable to move forward, and then one day it just happens.  The pain is still there, but now it is serving a purpose to aid you in growth and you have moved a bit away from the rut you were stuck in.

Those memories, especially the toxic ones I diligently focus on and utilize to grow from and to help me overcome my self contained limits.  Learning from pain and what caused it and why,  is the deepest insight and respect I can give to myself.  I am giving myself permission to grow and experience life in a richer more authentic way so I can have the meaningful life I strive for. I no longer believe the boundaries that once held me back had a purpose, especially because they were self imposed and based on someone else’s reality of me and meant to hold me back.  Of course it was my choice to believe them, I realize that now. 

Very few of us have the insight and upbringing to realize what life later teaches us. If we have the will and perseverance we can put our mind to anything, grown and change our lives in meaningful ways.  Of course it takes more than just desire, it takes hard work in the from of self reflection, insight and deep introspection.  It also requires you push your falsely set boundaries, make new achievable goals and redirect your energy into your own perseverance.

I have, as I said, removed the self imposed boundaries I had and because I have experienced and endured my worst fears and lived through them those boundaries cease to hold me.   There is nothing I can’t do considering  I have been able to face all those fears I once had, and still be standing here stronger than I was before.  For so long I worried I wouldn’t be able to handle the things I had to if they were to happen, and when they happened, I had no choice but to face and handle them.  I lost so much, that hasn’t changed, but what has is what fear means to me and how I chose to define it.  

Life is pain and pain can be equated to fear.  Therefore life is fear.  Fear is the unknown that which scares us and holds us back.  Life is losing what we hold dear, enjoying what we have, and trying new things.  It is sadness, love, loss, gifts, joy, aging, learning, living experiencing, crying, and dying.  The end result for all of us is the same, I cannot change that.  I can change how I chose to use what time I have on our world to truly live and experience my life to the fullest.  

Fear should have never been used to hold me back, I see that now.  It should have been used to motivate me to experience my life and live.  It took a long time to realize that fact, and embrace and feel it.  I still have fear, but instead of allowing it to scare me and hold me back,  I use it by embracing it, as it tells me I am moving in the right direction and not staying self contained, but truly growing.   


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