Overcast out, and grey, the leafless branches bounce in the wind attempting to dance as March comes to an end. There is nothing about today that screams get moving, and in fact I have not. I have no motivation even though I keep thinking of things I should be doing, could be doing: like walking the dog, exercising, practicing the cello. 🙂 Things that are motivating factors that bring me joy and fullfillment, but are not motivating me today.
I am in a somber mood, looking out my window, into the muted tones of the day searching for purpose. My thoughts are stagnate, directionless and not really formed. A sense of purpose is missing today. Have I really had one? It occurs to me it is Saturday as I see the mail lady across the street. Am I really going let this day just slip through without trying enjoy it? Why can’t I enjoy it?
Roadblocks seem to come up everywhere I turn. Whether it is true or not, it feels all too real and discouraging, and emotionally very empty. I have an insatiable desire to succeed and be successful in my own right. But what does that mean? What is it that it looks like to me, especially now? So much has changed in my life and continues to change, as I make my way into the unknown recesses of my life. I don’t know what “it” means and where life is directing me.
I feel stripped of the fundamentals that made me who I was, even as I work to find who I am now and fortify my soul. All the warnings that went off in my head I struggled with for years and when I finally made the change and put myself first, well instead of just going our separate ways, I have been made to pay. I knew my life would change drastically but I erroneously thought that I would be left alone to live my life on my own terms. I unequivocally know I am better off emotionally, mentally, financially and phycially, but how this person still is out to make me suffer and gets away with it. With everything he did to me to hurt me and abuse me and still he looks good.
We live in a world where when a woman comes forth and tells of abuse her abuser is seen as the victim. Where a smooth talker with a calm detached demeanor means the person is not a bad person. That if he can talk a good talk and lie with conviction or not say anything, he is seen as worthy. And finally if he is skilled at manipulation he is someone who matters.
I am none of these things. I was loud, I wanted to be heard. I put it all out there in the end because I wanted to be understood and have what I lived though to finally reflect on him and show who he was. I stood up to him and yet it only back fired on me because it looked like I was aggressive. I became the bad person who was vindictive and spiteful. I wanted the truth to show and to finally be understood but instead I was vilified.
I am not ok with what I have lost, but at the same time I have to be. I hate games, I am not competitive by nature, and I won’t devote energy to something that doesn’t matter. There is no purpose and nothing to pursue and not a single thing to care for which make it is time to walk away and shut down my emotions.
I am in tune with my feelings and thoughts. I know the day is far better than I first described. I let my deep feelings and thoughts shroud my perspective and drive me in a negative way. The day is grey but it hides the beauty and truth, you just have to want to look, see and accept the truth. Ideals are not facts, concise neatly appearing personas don’t reflect the truth, even if you turn a blind eye. Because one choose not to look and see the truth, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It only means you choose to help feed what is wrong in this world.