Hot Chocolate and Some Thoughts

I’m sitting at a local Starbucks on my last full day of spring break, taking time for myself.  Over the last week I’ve done more soul searching and introspection, more than I have done in this manner in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big proponent of evaluating myself, however in this last week something profoundly different happened. I am not sure what changed, but I reevaluated what I have already gone over, but this time I looked at those items with a new perspective, and clearer eyes.

Perhaps it was time that allowed for this to take place, or finally feeling I can move on and I have to stop giving them power or that I am creating a new life for myself  or even all of them.  I am not sure but I am feeling (at least today) hopeful in a way I haven’t in some time.  I was betrayed by my daughter, by my ex, who I feel is a dirtbag. Being married for as long as I was; well you never know people unless the want you to, and clearly I did not know him at all.  Well I didn’t want to see what he was showing me and I wanted to believe he was different than he was.

I know we all have been betrayed and the fact remains betrayal is hard to overcome, let alone handle.  It is learning to in many ways accepting your were lied to.  I can accept apologies, let go of what happened, but I will not forgive.  People know right from wrong, plain and simple and I will not forgive to give them what they need to move on.  I have to accept what they did and find my own way to move on, and so should they.  I can let go just find and move on, but I don’t need to forgive them.  That is something they have to handle due to their actions. What was done will always live within me, on some level.

I am responsible for my actions and know right from wrong.  I am an honest and caring person, and do what’s right.  I am this way because just like innate aspect of our being that we are designed by nature to do, being honest is one of those things.  At least for me. I am not saying I have never done anything wrong,  I have, but I work on them and will atone for my actions.  I cannot live with feelings of being dishonest or immoral.  For anyone who thinks I lie, it just kills me.

At the end of the day and ultimately at the end of my life, I don’t want to have regrets.  I know there is no way to ensure that, but I know by living my life with morality and in ethical ways, and by looking at my part in this world it will help me to be the best version of myself I can. I am working on living and experiencing my life in ways I felt held back by my horrific marriage.  I didn’t nothing for 22 to years to change it, but I will not to that to myself again.

I try my best to take criticism (not always easy) but I do process it and see if I can learn from what I have been told.  The staff I work with will humorously tell me when I have things to work on.  One of those are working on being less loud or using properly lifting skills.  I work hard at my faults no matter what they are, and hope one day I will achieve being more in control of my actions.  I know all of this stems with me being more aware of who I am and being present in the moment.  Hence why I take meditation along with the many other things I do.  You learn to take the time to process before you respond. One day I will be able to do it with less after though!   I also believe it is feeling comfortable with who you are.  I work on listening and not trying to respond.  I want to be heard, so to does the person talking, what better way to show you care about them.

As one time I could not tell you anything about myself that I liked and could pick myself apart and show how I was not worth anything.  I wish I could turn back the clock and change that but I know I can move forward knowing what I know now.  I can no longer  find things I don’t like about myself and when I find something I think I don’t do in a healthy way, I work on correcting it so I can be well rounded and give off a feeling confidence.  I not only like myself but I love the woman I am.  I like my body, I like the fact I am strong, I like how I am combating my fears, and I like who I am growing into.  I want to be the type of person who makes others comfortable and people feel they can approach me.

I will achieve what I put my mind to.  I have to.  I lived way to long allowing other people to tell me who I was, it showed in my lack self confidence.  The people who I called friends are the same people I now realize were never my friends.  The way they treated me, well you don’t people you call a friend like that. I can’t say one instance any of them came to my aid, except one.  I’ve also realized the fact I knew these people for half my life ultimately means absolutely nothing.

The experience of my divorce and the aftermath that occured made me realize how many of those people were not my friends especially with how they came after me. (None of them stood by me)  Boy what a hard less to learn.  I not only lost my child, but I lost a plethora of fiends.  I hated to learn it, but now I can learn to see what it is like to have people who treat me with value and truly appreciate me for who I am.  I know it is a fact when a divorce happens there are many losses, and that is a bonafide fact.  The divorce wasn’t so much of an issue for me, it was the loss of so many people who now I see where not my friends and had no desire to really connect with and get to know me or see my ex as the narcissist with the traits he has.

Now I know I will more than likely experience more betrayal over my life but hopefully not anything compared to what I have had to go through.  That fact saddens me more than you will ever know at the heinousness of what I had to endure.  It’s hardest with people you love.  How life can adequately prepare you for betrayal, but all I can do is  hope as I continue to grow that just maybe life as I experience it now along with time will show me how in a healthy way.  I know I am a good person, I feel it and I know this because I have been told over and over.  That speaks volumes.

I’d like to thank each and every one of you who took the time the other day to read/look at my blog.  I have never felt so good about my writing.  Thank you for showing me.

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