I am an introspective person by nature, and when given the chance, I study people. I study them for no other reason but to learn and gain knowledge about how they act and what they convey by being who they are. As a child I was uncomfortable with who I was, so studying people was my way to learn about them and myself, so I could grow to be more secure in who I was and grow to have a better understanding of others.
While I did gain some knowledge, it wasn’t until I decided I had enough in my dead end marriage and truly started to learn about myself and others. I learned that you don’t really know someone if they don’t want you to know who they are. They can say anything they want, but what it comes down to is their actions. I learned people say they are your friends, but when push comes to shove they will turn their back to you and abandon you or worst case switch sides. I have learned love means little, and you can only rely on yourself.
It has been one of the most cumbersome and unyielding time of my life. I though when I left and divorced my now ex husband, that the worst was behind me. I celebrated every step of my divorce for the mere fact I felt in control of who I was and my life for the first time in 20 plus years. I was free of the person who did horrific and daunting unimaginable things to me. Boy was I wrong. Nothing hurts more than losing a child. Especially when that loss is due to brain washing.
It has taken months for me to get to a point I can feel in a place of acceptance. I have prepared all her things to be picked up and am now ready to close off the unimaginable. Over the course of the last six months I have made remarkable strides to get here, and get here I did. I put in so much effort and work, soul searching and growing in any way you can think of. I would never imply what I have gone through has been easy, but I can tell you I have grown in ways I never have before. As for fear, nothing beats losing something you love and doesn’t love or want you in return.
I know I am stronger emotionally in both my approach and demeanor. I am no longer afraid to try; anything. I do mean anything. I understand myself in ways I don’t think I would have, had this not happened. I have been willing and ready to try past dreams of things I wanted to try and even the unexpected I never fathomed. I don’t feel held back like we tend to do in life when we become older and have a family. I have met many people and have found a greater understand of them in ways I never would have had I not had this happen. I have been willing to try new things and not consider fear as a possible factor. I experienced the worst fear I could have ever imagined and having had to face that fear, has forever changed me.
Yesterday I had no dreams, today I have more than I can articulate. I bought a cello and just started lessons. The teacher is meticulous. Because I know who I am, I know I need a teacher who is meticulous. I know what makes me want to be lazy, and being out of my comfort zone is one of those places I am not so gung-ho to push mysel . So I will practice my cello and while I know it is way off, I intend on really practicing and one day play in a quartet for church. I know that isn’t much to strive for, but considering this is the first instrument I have ever played, I think it is a worthy goal. I also know church is the best place to start.
I have taken on many firsts, and while I don’t feel “comfortable” as if it is second nature, I feel more confident being out of my comfort zone than ever before. When I had a family who was around me, I neglected my needs and put theirs first. I don’t need to do that anymore. I can feel how I am growing and that is empowering.
I know I will never fully be okay with some of the outcomes I have had to deal with, but I am all for making my life my own. I want to be strong and self sufficient and more than able bodied. I have so many things I want to experiment with to say I tried them. Part of living is the experience. I am ok with being in the public eye. I know that now. When I am ready I am wanting to play my cello in front of people. I am willing and a able to read my poetry or help with a sermon. I am wanting to try acting. Really I want to be my authentic self.
I hid through a bravado of fake fear of being judged. But I was judged by my ex and his daughter, people who said I mattered and loved me, but clearly thought little of me. If those people who should have had my back and never did didn’t support me what do I have to lose for those people who have no idea of who I am. I say nothing but honesty an letting me fear go. Because of that I do not fear their realism or judgement of me. I know it will be from a place of honesty especially not knowing them, so I can take it.
As for my losses, they are ones for the books. I can’t dwell but I can grow and learn. I embrace my life and let the negative naysayers do what they have to do, but I will live my life an not let fear or what if’s hold me back.