I have been thinking about many aspects of my life lately, none more profoundly than the losses I have sustained and how people in my life were the main issue of those losses. Coming to term with the fact that I didn’t know any of the people (when it came down to it), who acted out and left me standing at a loss has been difficult. Especially having to come to the realization none of them were really my friends. I say that because friends wouldn’t have done what they did. I can’t live with what they did, I don’t know how they can live with what they did.
This week I am closing a profoundly difficult chapter in my life. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do, if not the hardest thing. I have made arrangements for the youngest child to pick up the rest of her belongings that are still in my possession. Spring break seemed like a good week to get closure and let the feelings come. For some time I have been contending with the micro bursts of pain that I feel regarding her, until the pain is so unbearable that I cannot take it any longer and break down. It is not healthy for me and those feeling will not help me so I am taking steps for closure come.
I continue to make strides, but the fact remains I will never see my youngest again because of the lies told about me and the games my ex-husband set in motion to sever my ties with her. To him this is a game, but to me it is my life. I can honestly say I would never do this to anyone or be a party to it. Because of what I have learned and experienced I’ve learned the hard way who is a friend. To be honest, I now see I didn’t have any friend, not based on my definition of what a friend should be, and my ex husband is clearly up there with who not to associate with.
While the pain over losing my child, who suffers with mental health issues has been a destructive experience for me, It has not prevented me from living my life. We all have pain we must learn to use to motivate ourselves and use to help us grow, or we cease to truly exist and I won’t allow that to happen to me. Besides I am still a mother to two other children who not only value and love me, but stand with me loving me. And the truth is, they lost their sister, which can’t be easy for them either.
Some days are easier than others and others are down right impossible, but not once have I given up on myself, or what I want for myself. The losses I’ve experienced will live with me my entire life, and will help to add to my definition of me as a woman and a mother. I know I was a good mother on so many levels, even to my child who thinks otherwise. For myself I do not gauge a good person by what they say, but rather what they do. I look at their moral compass, if they are judgmental, aggressive in their believes and if they show care.
I have translated that care to myself. I have been working of finding avenues to express myself, be it working on public speaking, writing the blog, writing poetry, taking up an instrument, working out or trying something I would have never done. You see if this experience has taught me anything about living, it is to truly experience life and live it to the fullest. There is no mid life crisis, just a woman seeing she has far more potential than she ever gave herself credit for. It is apparent if you look at my choices of friends and my choice in my past spouse I didn’t care for myself, or they wouldn’t have been in my life. Someone who will devalue you every chance you get has no right being in your life. It’s has only taken my 48 years to see it was what I put out and would accept. No longer. As for my child, she made her choice and I will not chase after her. Beside the law won’t allow me to. This is something she and her father wanted and will have to live with due to their actions. I know my conscience is clear, but my heart is broken and in the process of healing. What has been done cannot be undone or changed and no matter what happens will alway be thought about when something comes up.
I have decided I am not going to cower and act shy when I meet someone, anyone due to a perception I have of who they are or how I think I am not their equal; I am. I am not going to allow thoughts that tell me I can’t to something because of fears to come into my mind. I am going to be ok with making mistakes and messing up, like when I read something in front of people. I have decided I will try adrenaline inducing activities, join a singles group, (not a dating site) because fear is healthy but it can be limiting when it is misplaced. I will also not take responsibility for things I didn’t do or cause.
It has taken some time to realize that the fear that held me back wasn’t how I felt about myself per se, but it was me taking on someone else’s perception of me and who they thought I was. I wanted approval so badly, and the people who said they were my friends should have loved me and they did’t make me feel secure or give me what friendships should. I allowed their perception of me to become my reality. Even the perceptions of the daughter I no longer can see and her father. But I don’t own it and won’t take it.
I do not have to live with their choices, or the things they did to me that held me back. Crying over the unfair treatment and aggression I received from those “friends” when they were not part of my marriage or divorce opened my eyes to the amoral way in which they lived and at what cost they would go to hurt me and stand with my ex. It’s like it was a game for them. I have never been a game player. In fact I hate most games and I am not big into competing. I’m just not that type of person. The only person I compete against is myself. The truth remains I do not have to live with what they did, they do. Even if it was out of spite.
So I keep telling you what type of person I am not, but really what I want you to know is what type of person I am. I would move heaven and earth to help the people I love, especially my children, they come first. I am hard working, straight forward, (working on my tacked), learning how to stay centered when discussing issues that upset me, willing to help others who I see trying. I am loyal, hardworking, dependable, sensitive, and intuitive. I am a patient person, a skill I have learned from my line of work, I can self advocate, when I set my mind to something I achieve it, I am honest, very honest, open and don’t judge. I love nature, simplicity, being good to the environment, helping others and experiencing the moment.
One of the motivations for my divorce was a simple but profound question I asked myself. Was this all my life was? Is my life about how awful this person treats me and the heinous acts he has perpetrated against me and me not getting to live life in a way that makes me happy. When I look back will I feel satisfied and fulfilled having self-sacrificed? The answer was a resounding no.
I can tell you since my divorce I have been on many dates, and briefly had a boyfriend. I have seen aspects of the dates I liked and aspects I hated. But I have learned so much about what I want in a partner, things I never realized when I was younger, or understood I settled for. It has all lead me to one clear epiphany, I am strong and can stand on my own two feet and can take care of myself and I won’t settle.
For much of my life I thought I needed someone to take care of me. What a laugh. It was all a facet, I did everything and relied on the security of having my ex-husband there when I needed to trust myself and see I had it within me all along. I see how strong I am and how now that I believe in myself I am making gains I would never have with him or the people I thought were my friends.
Really what hurts in all this, is I sold myself short. The people who vowed they were my friends didn’t care about me at all when push came to shove. They equated me finally standing up for myself and loudly telling the world what happened as if something was wrong with me when he was so quiet. They never cared to now me and never knew me, and that has been so hard to come to terms with. That and how they glorified my daughter being taken, by posting picture of her with them. A friend wouldn’t do that.