Untiled. Thats been the case as of late with most of my writing as it sits in the draft folder unfinished. I have had an awful lot to say, just not as much to write about which doesn’t equate to good writing. Even now I sit here struggling with what to write. My creativity has all but stopped flowing, leaving me sitting starring out the window unable to gather a sentence worth of words to string together to put down on paper. On the other had, my dreams have been creatively flowing to the point I can recall them with clarity days after. Seems both my dreamscape and lucid dreaming has come back and that makes me feel good.
I’m at the point in my life I want to know and understand myself, have a clarity of my thoughts and feelings; I want to know what makes me tick. I want to know what I really like to do and what I don’t and why. I want to know what I want and don’t and what is important to me and understand the why behind it. I feel it is long over due to have this clarity about who I am, and at my age I think it is a requirement to be able to say why I like and don’t like something. It is an ultimate way to live life to the fullest. I believe it is an enriching way to get in touch with the world around you in a way not many people do.
I was recently ask by someone if I was letting my fear hold me back. This person didn’t know me, but based on my answer he assessed I was. I did reply yes to his question, but what this person didn’t know is while this fear was holding me back, it was only a temporary hold. I knew I was not going to allow the fear one feels when afraid to fail to keep me tethered for long. How did I know this? Well, because I have learned that this kind of fear is evoked from the unknown, how we limit ourselves, prevent our own growth and stay in our confines, that later make us regret. I have had enough regrets which only set up more failure and longing. Now I am doing and I am truly living.
Soon I will be attending many events and adventures like the one I went on yesterday, Bingo at the local VFW. This event helped clarify a few facts about myself I always knew but didn’t realize I knew. I don’t like playing games (over all). I can do them for a short period of time and then I get bored (extremely bored) with them and lose my interest and cannot play them any longer. I also hyper focus on what I am doing and give the impression I am not having fun. I am not all that sure I am to tell you the truth. I have dyslexia and am not good with numbers or spelling and because it is such work for me I cannot focus on just enjoying myself. I am sure its the part of my brain I really should work on developing but I have no interest in doing so. That doesn’t mean I don’t want the experience. While this experience was no adventure, it did teach me something important about myself.
Our experiences are what determines who we become, how we grow and how we will look back on our lives. I have had plenty of negative unhealthy experiences, and allowed fear to stop me from my full potential. Now I am willing and able to embrace all the positive, feel good experiences I can, that will develop me into the person I have been growing into the last two years and have been meant to be. It is with the experiences that are yet to come that will further help me to become a more secure, confident, assured, and willing to try something new type of person. I am changing for the better and living a life I love. I have much living left to do for myself and a so called bucket list to complete.
There’s not a time frame in which I have set aside to get my (bucket) list done. In fact my list is probably more like a flow chart – If you do this and like it then, If not do. So far I have started this blog, taken up meditation, have worked on public speaking and read a poem I wrote, gone on the woman’s march, joined a committee not in my realm of cognitive comfort, jointed a drum circle, went on a vacation with a friend, joined a social club and have plans to do many more things. I know it doesn’t sound like all that much, but if you knew me just two years earlier I am sure you would say I am anything like her now.
I look out my window feeling good for having found words I could pen into more than just a sentence that makes perfect sense. I have a smile on my face for all that I can feel I have at this moment. I want all that is good and fulfilling and I will do what what ever it takes to achieve that. I know I have drive, I’m kind, caring and willing to do the work and now all the time to do it in. The world is my oyster and I plan on making the most beautiful pearl!
With love ❤️