The January rain and wind today feels more indicative of March weather. The snow has all but melted, except for the intermittent areas of small white patches that stand out against the unusually greener than normal green grass. Sporadically the rain comes down heavily drenching the already sodden ground. Just days prior a deep freeze made the ground rock hard and impenetrable, not to mention unbearably cold.
This month, the month of January is normally one of longest months to get through, even though it has the same amount of days as all the other months. The ever lasting dark, the below zero cold temperatures, the intense dry skin and no build up to any holiday make it feel as if the month will never end. But it does and by the end of the month the days have grown in length. The change comes and it is welcomed.
I have never been a lover of the cold of winter, mainly in part because I don’t handle the cold well. Don’t get me wrong, I find snow magical, fun and love watching it come down. I would occasionally (and I stress occasional) liked taking my kids sledding over the season when young, but for the most part all I really did was shovel with them. As I said I don’t like being cold so I did everything I could to stay home. I now see my behavior enhanced the feeling of January not progressing.
In the last year, but especially in the last five months I have undergone some pretty monumental changes in my life. Some were welcomed and others, well they still are hurdles in some ways. However as I have adapted, aged and accepted aspects of life that make it life, I have come to understand and feel, well different. For starters I no longer freeze, (thanks peri menopause). I now can see I can and will succeed on my own and am. When I spend time with others not only does the month of January pass rather fast, but I feel happier about winter. (Well for the most part).
The hurdles (to be honest, losses) have changed my life in many (good) ways. I’m not saying what happened was good but it has changed me for the positive and therefor it has been good. As I struggle to adapt to my new life and overcome aspects of who I am that I’ve always wanted to work on, I have put myself out there in life and put myself first in ways I never would have done had I not had that major upheaval. I do not suggest at all having the type of life changing events I have been through, but if you have no choice, be prepared and do it. I would have never divorce if I felt there could have been a healthy outcome, but I couldn’t have put in any more or loved any deeper than I had for years. When you start the process of divorce be prepared for the worst it can be in all the aspects you can imagine or not. My divorce has been by far the most horrifically destructive experience of my life and I wanted it and as hard as it was, I’m still glad I did it. (But to be fair I did try extremely hard for years). In addition the loss of a loved one is excruciatingly when the hate of divorce dictates so much. In additions don’t let someone who has never been through what you have to deal with tell you how you should be, how you should act or how wrong you are. First off who are they, and second they don’t know because they are not you. Third, really try hard to rise above it. I didn’t as much as I would have liked, but for years I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. When I started to divorce I did open up because I finally felt I could to all the horrors I put up with. My two children also put up with.The end of my marriage gave me a new start and many gains, but it brought loss I would have never imagined. For starters the relationships with my two daughters (who remain shining lights) has deepened and grown, (they experience the same loss I did), and we have become closer as a result. But I lost the love and relationship with my younger just as her sisters did. While I love my two daughters so much, respect and value their input and who they are more than they will ever know I feel bad this has happened to all of them. They are and always will be so important to me. In addition it is because of their love and genuine care for me and my wellbeing that has really helped me overcome much of my pain. Mwah. In additions the friends and people who support me and continue to support me, have been my rock. The support system I’ve woven in place, the growth and development I’ve achieved have been in part to my inner strength but mostly to those that love and support me. I will never take for granted the people who have given unconditionally and loved me when I was so broken and unable to see how I could go on. While I will always have those aspects that make me who I am, it’s nice to know in the cold month of January (and beyond) I have the love and support of my children, friends and people who care about me in my life. I feel so much warmth and more capable than I did in all the years I was married. Yes I have lost some important parts of my life I would have died to keep, but I’ve gained, even in spite of the pain that lives within me. It might not always be easy to have the focus to see when I have come from but today I do even in the deep of winter.