My Never Ending Winter

It’s Sunday. Dreary, wet, damp and now dark. January. Yes, the heart of winter and nothing to be excited about. I don’t mind snow, for the most part, but the cold is what is hard to handle. The dry skin, brittle hair and nails, and above all the short days, I see (all of these) as negatives.

The winter season (this year) is especially hard for me for personal reasons, but for many this time of year can be especially hard for seasonal reasons. To endure the season I use life markers to help me make my way thought, ’til spring, i.e., gatherings, celebratory markers, traditions, etc. For personal reason I endure and work toward adaption by funneling in as much positivity as I can draw from. Sources around me such as friends, activities, hobbies, and talking, give me the ability to detract from some pivotal life changes I’ve undergone.

Working on adapt has proven to be a challenge. The fact is, change is noted when it is negative in nature, when it is positive in feel, it is easier to accept and talked about like a gift. Nothing about what I have been handed has even resembled a gift, let alone any prize worth having. Unfortunately negative experiences are still experiences and like everyone else who has ever existed or will exist there are all types of changes, including the ones you don’t like. I just have to go through this cycle. (I hope)

I see winter, especially this year as damaging. I think overall it is hard for most people to see or feel winter resembles positivity when it is associated with a never ending feeling of desolation. With the added life circumstances I’ve lived through, it has felt pretty barren, like the dead of winter can feel. The oppressing darkness has added to the feelings I’ve been contending with causing me to dwell in unhealthy ways.

My life will never resemble what I once dreamed it would be and I don’t know how long it will be before it feels healthy again. I can tell you this, I’m done giving my ex anything of me to feed off of. I’m no longer giving up my energy or any acknowledgement because I want him to have remorse for the things he did. Not once did he feel bad for the things he has done even now after our divorce. He keeps at me, relentlessly to make me pay. Pay for what? Leaving him, protecting myself?

He’s won. I’m done. He can’t do anything else to me but kill me. I don’t care any more about who he is or what he does or doesn’t do. He is not a nice person, that’s why I left him.

I have court coming soon. I need closure, I need to move on and I need him to leave me alone. I’m so tired of him dragging it out. My never ending winter.

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