The tail end of 2017 has arrived, the cusp of a new year, (just two hours away) is on the verge of dawning. As 2017 makes its way out, it can’t leave fast enough for me. It was a dauntingly horrific year, plagued with so many negative and unhealthy aspects I am happy to close it out and not look back. It is finally down to the wire when it will be over. I pray that most of what has cause the year to be a disaster will also end. It has to. I just cannot do it any more and really don’t fathom how anyone can.
I lost so many parts of my life that I knew I’d be sad about, but none as much as I was over (the sudden loss of) my daughter. I don’t know how so many people go on after enduring such heart break. I look to each and every one of you for guidance, because if you haven’t guessed, I am not strong. I cry so much. After each court date I get flung back and have to emotionally crawl back to emotional health. I wish it would end, instead more ensues.
I’ve talked to several people who have overcome what I am in the thick of now. I praise them because I do not know how they did it. Each time after court for me gets worse and I contemplate ending my life, only to come out of the darkness. But as each court date comes and goes, my ability to bounce back and the time it takes is greatly affected. It’s getting to the point I don’t know if I can do it any longer.
I’m putting huge hopes out for the new year. I desperately need some light to shine my way. I need my ex to stop, just stop. He needs to go on with his life and leave me alone. I need to do for myself and not be bothered any more and make my life the best I can for myself.
I say goodbye solemnly to 2017 as I usher it out and help push it on its way. I’m in limbo waiting for 2018 but would rather wait for it than experience what I did in 2017. I don’t have any real expectations for 2018, except to say I want a happier year in all the aspects 2017 wasn’t. It really was a rotten year.
I’m not used to being on my own and it is a real struggle for me. I’m working on bettering myself in a plethora of ways, but most importantly working on handling this emotional hardship I’ve been forced to have. I can honestly say I suck at keeping it together. In every way I’ve suffered and I don’t know how to handle it better. I do t see how anyone can. I’m told all this great advice, but it doesn’t seem plausible to be able to do. I can’t even get myself centered enough to even think about the steps I need to take to “empower” myself so I can move ahead.
Grief is such a difficult thing to overcome. I’m beside myself on any given day, not able to do anything but force myself out of bed thanks to the dog. I owe the fact I’m not still in bed to him!
I am hoping for a much better year. Of course only time will be the true gauge of that. I can only do so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for positivity, but I have hit a wall with the left field enhancements I’ve experience midway into the year. I can’t be happy or positive about the loss I’ve experienced or the subsequent court dates that have been a result of it. I do try so hard, but the fact remains the loss I suffered is a deficit to my overall life. I don’t know anyone who could be positive about that.
I’m told I need to look at all I have and see the positive. For me I see none. I know I should be grateful I have a home, or a bed and I am, but I’m also not happy about were my life has been placed. I’m hoping the new year will bring some better experiences my way I can see the silver lining or potential. Right now I can’t and I’m sorry if I bring people down.
Night. When I wake may the new year bring hope my way.