20% of 14 Thousand

My life is, well not worth much. Not only have I lost my daughter to lies, my ex husband brought his seething girlfriend to court the other day. He is asking for child support and I work as an aide. Of course this awful judge is giving him a huge portion of my income, 20%. Yes it is huge when I make under 15 grand a year. My ex acts like he is entitled to get support when he has not paid me anything he owed me and made a point to tell me he wasn’t. In fact the entire ruse he did in taking my daughter was to avoid paying me any money. He made a point to tel me that in not so many words. You see his first love has almost always been money. Sex is a close second.

In the time I filed for divorce until it was granted in August of this year I thought I had already experienced the hardest days of my life. I was so wrong. The day my daughter was taken from me due to his malicious lies has been. I’m pretty confident my daughter wants nothing to do with me for she supported what he did by lying with him to get her way.

But the fact remains, none of what I am saying is new, I have said a thousand times at least sense it has happened. It is also true that each and every time I am made to go to court (as my ex hasn’t followed through on something) all the progress I’ve made in putting it all behind me comes surging forward and then implodes.

This last time at court I was a bit dumbfounded he brought his girlfriend. It made me realize either he is so good at lying she is clueless or she is just like him. In both cases it worried me for my daughter. It was obvious my ex had told some big lies about me and it made me angry because he gets away with so much.

I also was ridiculously out of control and made a point to turn around and call her ugly, fat and a feedbag. A feedbag is a term my ex used for a fat ugly women. I said something when he came out and when they left the court room. I was angry this woman would believe him and stand by him. He is with her plain and simple because she has money, and puts out. If by chance it is love I am sorry.

I know I must sound like a bitter ex wife and I am, but not for the reasons you would think. I am bitter because he seems to have gotten away with how horrible he has treated his (other two) children and me. How he seems to be doing well and all I want is him to suffer and not be happy. He doesn’t deserve happiness. He skates by and gets what he wants, isn’t held accountable. I don’t get it.

To be clear I want to move on. Every time I start to make those steps I have court and the judge is meaner to me than the last time and the ex doesn’t have something he is suppose to. I then relive everything and have to go through the pain again and find a way to recenter myself. I don’t even realize the feelings are coming until I get this rush of emotion and tears are running down my face. I relive everything that transpired. What my daughter said to me, losing her and how smug my ex was at what he had done. Then everything my ex attacked me with in our parenting app plays in my mind and how I was told how wrong I was for saying anything comes flooding back. (I think the people who have k’s in their name who associate with him I need to avoid). I’ve lost her and her love and that is the truth.

My ex made a point to tell several people I was abusive. I was not. I slapped her once for attacking her sister. (Again something I’ve said before). He said the judge did what she did because I was abusive. I’m not sure that’s true but if he wants to say that, ok. My ex is lying and lies about anything he can leaving small veins of truth through so he can say it is honest. He wants me to look bad because I said some pretty awful things about him that were truthful and I walked away from him. He followed my blog to get something he could use against me and as stupid as I was I underestimated him. The fact remains if he can make me look bad he looks better or so he thinks. Of course it won’t change who he is.

I have to come to terms with the awful truth my daughter is gone. (Well not really, but maybe writing it will convince me). She is no longer part of my life, stopped loving me and refuses to talk to anyone she once did. The day she left all contact with the people she talked to ended. That is the reality. She along with her father had been planing this for a while I’m pretty sure, but I along with her sisters are the only ones who have to live with it and have suffered.

Why is it when you don’t come across as funny people run from your sorrow and pain? Being unfunny doesn’t make your pain worse, you just handle it differently. For me what has happened has damaged my soul and how I see the world. I have struggled more days than not and I know I will never have the clarity or answers I seek. Having love and support means more to me than anything, especially considering how abusive my marriage was. I long for being able to forget and move on.

I had hoped the truth would have set me free, instead I suffer more because he is so vindictive and no one wants to see or hear the truth. I left him because of everything he did, how much he hurt me over the years and how he killed my love and left us all destitute and how he over-sexualized my daughters, touching their butts and boobs and justifying it. But still his vindictive abuse continues.

I started this blog to empower others and help myself, but I feel all of this… garbage has stymied me and turned away people from wanting to read my writing. My imagination has suffered and the lightheartedness within me has almost dried up. I feel as if my life will never improve as it has been so hard for so long.

I struggle and push to change how I feel, and overcome it all, but you know what, I feel horrible about life. My losses are real. Everything I fought for for my daughter(s) was real. Everything I fought for to gain independence was real. I wasn’t a gold digger or asking for things not within my right. It was the ex who wasn’t willing to compromise and forced me to get a litigator. He is filled with hate for me, however, I just want him to feel the pain he caused and should have felt if he wasn’t a monster. I just want him to be held accountable. The same thing all these woman who said they were sexually assaulted and have come forward with want, to be acknowledged and feel like they matter. They want what the went through to be be seen for what it was, abuse and demeaning behavior toward them as women and above all have their abusers held accountable.

Why is it the men who can talk a good talk and appear to be something many know they aren’t have the support while the victims suffer? Why don’t people stand up to these men who think they are all powerful and help the victims? I stood up against my ex and no one says anything to him or condemns him for the things he did. I get attacked by other woman who were my supposed friends and people coming to me to support me, but don’t want anyone else to know.

For most of my marriage I suffered in silence and when I came forward; my attorney extorted me, the court system let me down, people who I knew for 30+ years turned on me for airing my dirty laundry as they said, my daughter lied about me, and I fought to get help because no one wanted to help me. It was call this number or do this, not how can I help. What do you need.

This is the exact reason so many women remain silent. The entire system makes women like me feel like we don’t matter. I gave my life for my children and my marriage and it means nothing. The court system has made me feel that only the people who can talk a good game and hide the truth are honest. The judge can make her own rules sides step facts and documentation and do what she wants. It doesn’t matter if he was abusive, has an arrest warrant out for him, or had a restraining order against him, he is a good person and parent and here take your daughter because you said she slapped her daughter two months ago. Doesn’t matter he won’t pay what he owes or do what he needs to, he is a man and can manipulate and talk a good talk and not show emotion.

I really want you to realize how detrimental our society is on victims of domestic abuse. How women condemn other women for not being how they deem women like me should be. Why should I hide and be silent? Why should I not tell people what he did? I was shameful for so long, but not anymore! He needs to be held accountable for everything he has done to me and our daughter(s) and all the women (he had affairs with) who he sexualized.

To his girlfriend:

I’m sorry you don’t see who he is, but you do not know him.. You have no idea what I lived through or endured for years. He was a monster. I was hit, kicked, punched, spit on, woke up every hour on the hour for two days, cheated on and given STI’s, run off the road plus countless other horrible things. I didn’t file bankruptcy with him because he was the one who spent, the credit cards were in his name and I didn’t have access to them, I was frugal and for years tried to get him to stop. In addition his pornography addiction was insatiable along with his online affairs. I hope he will be different for you and be good, but leave me out of it, because who he is is not a reflection of me.

To my daughter; I love and miss you. I wish you would have handled you angry different. I would alway check with you and see how you were doing. I wanted to make sure you used healthy ways to deal with your emotions. I’m sorry you felt you had to do this. I hope you are ok.

I am looking forward to the new chapter that starts at midnight tomorrow, May it prove to be a better year.

Thank you.


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