What I experienced this last year hit me fast and furious causing a downward spiral from the trauma, the raw emotions and feelings that came forth causing a proclivity in me of all things, situational depression. I could not stop from happening what I saw coming and the feelings that came with it, well they were equally dark and overwhelming. If it was something I could just snap out of I would have, but like most I expected grief it had to run its full course. The hope is as you improve and see things from the other side in a clearer way, that you not only grow but learn about yourself. I’m not completely over what I was unfortunate enough to have gone through, but I am feeling more in control of who I am and ready to let go and move on.
I owe no one but myself a good life from here on out. It is time for me to take care of who I am, put myself first and meet my own needs. I’m sure my two girls would attest to the fact that it is about time I took care of myself, but they know if they need me for anything they can always count on me. They will always be paramount in my life. That being said, I have been working toward creating change in my life as it stand to make a life for me as a single woman. I want changes that are meaningful and make an impact on how I feel and of course think about life. Happiness is everything.
I am a goal oriented person and I like to make New Years resolutions, only because it is the perfect time to make changes. Don’t get me wrong I make and set goals for myself often, but the freshness of the new year makes it easy to start off with clear defined goals as if life is starting a new page never been written on. I’m not one to make goals for myself that are ambiguous and broad, I make my resolutions (goals) precise, sincere and obtainable. Most importantly I do not having an all or nothing mentality. I don’t like setting myself up for failure, however mistakes are ok as long as I don’t repeat them and most importantly I learn from them. I will not let or allow negativity to rob me from being the person I am and continue to grow into.
This year I am focusing on my personal growth. I’ve purchased books to read that I feel can start me on the path to my own personal enlightenment and self awareness. I’ve always been interested in learning as much as I can about what makes one tick, how the world works etc. The knowledge base I gain from reading books like this, ie, “The Road Less Traveled”, gives me the tools to broaden my understanding and it empowers me. What I experience in life, in myself, with others, having the ability to have clarity and insight is a useful attribute and I am excited about developing this skill in richer and deeper ways. It is important to me to be a kind, caring person.
Meditation has been and is a useful vector for my own personal self awareness, learning how to slow down my thought process, feelings and how I over process I have been able to take pause before I carelessly react, (sometimes). Reading books on Buddhism, from the Dalai Lama and learning about the Dharma has allowed me new perspectives and to think in unaccustomed ways, enriching my life. I trust the perspectives of Buddhism the insightfulness of psychology and the new way of seeing.
One very important change I’m working toward is to develop a richer more positive style of communication. I want to show a refined confidence with inner personal strength that comes across in my dialect and of course in my body language. I’m done with doubting myself and thinking yahoos I have severed myself from ever held a candle to me. There is no reason for me to not exude confidence when I can and will accomplish anything I put my mind to. I might sound cocky or full of myself, but I am not, on the contrary what I want is a quality of life I can be proud of and my happiness.
Any resolutions or goals I set for myself I state clearly and as precise as possible. It makes it easier to work toward and easier to obtain. This year my number one goal is accepting myself for who I am, where I am and allowing myself the steps to improve my overall life in healthy eloquent ways. Accepting the things I cannot change and working on the things I can, ie finding my drive, being positive, remapping my though process, letting go of past negativity (we all carry as baggage), developing healthy skills and seeing myself in positive ways are all key elements of what my divorce and a heavy loss has motivated in me to work on.
I know I poss the stamina and motivation to develop and go beyond status quo. There is meaning in my life and my life has meaning. I intend on giving quality care to myself, loving what brings me joy, embracing the fact I am single and that I can take care of myself and thrive.
In just a few days a new year is welcomed in with all kinds of possible and can’s. There is no room for the past or what ifs, they no longer matter. Forward I move not looking back.