This time of year we are drawn to the things we cherish and that bring us happiness and love. Rituals are a big part of our traditions and tie into our feelings giving us the stability of warmth and love with those we love and hold dear, as only traditions can do. Nothing this year made me feel a connection to the holiday and it felt like the holiday didn’t exist except for when others said something. There were no traditions of years past, and no togetherness that holidays are synonymous with. I had no togetherness binding me to those that are dear to me and truthfully I didn’t care. For me it has always been about my children❤️.
The holiday did give me a chance to think about all that has transpired and what I no longer have to deal with or have any longer that I miss. Some of those things were good and others were down right awful but in any case they were eye opening and helpful in my healing process I am going through. The so called friend(s) who believe my ex wasn’t saying negative things when he was are the same people who posted pictures of my daughter with them when what happened started. Of course they rubbed my loss in as a glorification to say see, this is what we think of you. Clearly not a good hearted person, vindictive and petty which I never realized until divorcing my ex. It was then I saw how much like him they were. Anyone who would be happy for what happened and clearly made a statement they were in support of him by praising him for his lies, well that says volumes. While it affected me, I now see these people for the unscrupulously inhuman people they have always been and will always be, users. Then there is the person I considered to be my closest friend. She was able to be there when things were going well for me and when they got very uncomfortable, but when they turned as south as they could go and I was unable to handle the gut wrenching emotional suffering I had to deal with, well she couldn’t any more.
In each of these cases I came to realize how little I was thought of or how I was considered unimportant. If I had been more covert like my ex was the friend wouldn’t have seen me as talking about him, for she couldn’t see it when he did it about me or my children. She glorified the loss of my child and diminished my love for my daughter making my circumstances about her and putting herself in the middle. She knew how awful he was to me and yet she showed support to him. I say to any of you who know her or her husband do not trust her.
My daughter, I have no idea what was going through her mind, and I no longer care. I’m done being treated like garbage by her or the people who say they were my friend who turned on me as if they were part of my divorce. When I needed (those) friends to support me they turned their backs on me when I needed to feel my life was worth living. I was told to write down how I felt about them on paper. I’m sorry but you don’t get off without consequences for your actions, and your family, they can’t protect you when Karma comes knocking. May you one day understand fully what your lack of morals and honesty truly has done and what it means and says about you as a person.
So many aspects of the things I’ve experienced this last year have played over in my mind, and yet I have no real answers or closure for them. The what if’s with every senecio I could come up with my mind plays over and over as I try to find healthy ways to handle my emotions and the unanswered question I’ll never have answers to. I’m sure it is my subconsciouses way of looking for closure and working on ways to deal with what has happened and now is. In any case I need it to stop. But one way my subconscious has shown me closure is by showing me the parallels between my ex and my friend who supports him. I have dreamt several times they have slept together. I know this is my mind telling me how alike they are, because they will both stop at nothing to lie and get their way and do not see what their behavior and actions cause, not do they care.
This year has been, a year I want to let go of. I have been working on myself and my goals. I am an empty nester, but I would have never given up my children in any way to be the self serving sort. Family has meant everything to me, and my children know that. I thank my children every day for being in my life, L and K, I love you. Family sticks together and they know I would do anything for them.
Having said that, I want you all to know that I cherish every day my two daughters have helped me through this. I cherish the friends who have stood by my side and shown me just how much they support and love me. Who know me and know none of what was said about me was true. For those of you who told me “we know what type of person you are and know you would never have done what you were accused of”, who every day show me respect, care and value. It is because of you I am here and making my way.
Please do not think the love and kindness you have given me has not been recognized, noted and kept within me. You have made my world and my life meaningful when it was so dark I didn’t know how I would or if I could go on. My loss as profound as it was is now becoming the very thing that is helping me recover. It is changing and it is because of the things you did and said that have helped me. The hugs, kind words, the statements of how you see me, the love in your eyes, the uplifting words you have spoken to me to help me, if you only knew how so many of these gifts have built me into the person I’m becoming. The meaning of life is that we are not just an “I” but parts of others who have touched our lives with care, love and hope to make us whole. Do not underestimate the power you have over helping another.