Waking in, I looked for open seating and saw to the right there was ample choices to chose from. I chose a seat at the end of a row toward the back of the sanctuary by the windows, it was a lovely day and I needed the serenity. As the service started, a silence filled the room in reverence. Speaking first after the minister was the husband, his eulogy was light hearted and uplifting and filled with love, and then the daughter spoke. As she spoke I was brought to tears by her account of her relationship with her mother, the closeness that they had and the bond they shared and how deeply she clearly loved her mother. I thought of my youngest child, and what she had done to get me out of her life. Tears came forth and rolled down my cheeks, as I realized I would never have that type of relationship with my youngest, or have the closeness and love that this woman clearly had with her mother. I thought about how I had strived to be a parent all my daughters could depend on, count on and confide in, how I cherished being a mother and how much my children meant to me. I knew because of what my youngest had done to me she didn’t want me in her life, or that kind of relationship and bond with me. She clearly didn’t feel about me anywhere close to where this daughter did and where my other two daughters do for me. The feelings were overwhelming and an emptiness filled me as my heart became heavy from this realization.
I thought about the people who where my friends (or so I though), who had supported him and what he did. How they used my child to post pictures together with her and glorify what he had done and like the fact she was taken from me. I never would have thought that there would be people I knew who would have retaliated in such hostile aggressive ways, with so much angst and vindictiveness toward me. These people decided they had a say in my divorce and how it should transpire. They put themselves where they didn’t belong as if they were superior to me, telling me what shouldn’t have been done or what my children did wrong. I got question and ridiculed based on what my ex told them as if he wasn’t saying anything bad about us. I was even told he didn’t talk badly about us, but based on how I was questioned and judged, I was.
This entire process has been… incredibly difficult, especially because the actions taken toward me have been out of malice on every level. I did not willfully go into this process to be vindictive in any way, I went through this to set myself free and completely sever this person from my life. I gave and gave and gave, even through most of this process I gave to make the process easier, which didn’t happen, because he wouldn’t let it. I am sure nothing I could or would have done would have changed how this person wanted to make me pay. Right now it just won’t end.
I looked several times today at the glass teacup, one of the last things my daughter gave me. Since the day this all came to be I have thought of that teacup and one of the last things I said to her when we were together. I told her, “…I will never put you in the middle. You do not need to say things to me to act like you need to take sides or don’t like your dad, he is your dad and I know you love him. You don’t need to protect me or my feelings, I will never make you choose. I do not want to put you in a place you need to lie to him I don’t want your relationship with him to suffer in any way….” My feelings from the mere sight of this glass teacup brought an emptiness to me and a longing for paramount change in my life. I cry every day over how she purposely broke my heart and cast me aside, at what she said to me right before she barred me from her life, ” I hate you, I’ve always hated you and I have never loved you!” The deep deep anguish I feel over the destructiveness of her behavior and actions that I must live with is profound and by far the worst pain I have ever felt. I have no idea what caused her to change so drastically toward me almost overnight, but I would have done what ever it would have taken to work on what ever I needed to to keep her in my life and with me.
I know my ex husband wanted this to happen as he made sure I knew he was paying me back for what he perceives I did to him to be mean, when I did what I did I only did it to protect myself and move on. He thinks I am responsible for our other two daughters not talking to him and refused to see it was his actions toward them that caused the change toward him. Don’t get me wrong I do not like my ex, he did so many deplorable things to me over the years and during our divorce and even now I cannot believe I ever associated with someone so down right vindictive.
I realize I have to let go of all of this and move on. I need to come to terms with what is, but when I keep having to go to court, or deal with his shenanigans it doesn’t allow me to close those wounds enough to start to heal. I want them to heal, and I need to heal. I have accepted that my youngest has chosen her path and I will not be a part of her life anymore but it hasn’t stopped what I feel to stop. She was and will always be my child and I loved her so much.
The teacup, I don’t know if or when I will be able to use it again. I see it as a symbol of so many things in the dynamic that she created, as if the teacup and her are one and the same. I think about everything I went through with her and her mental illness and how hard it was to see her suffer. How painful it was to have her so broken, the hurt and anguish she dealt with daily and how hollow of a person she became. All the issues with her wanting to end her life and how I made sure she was never left alone, for about five years I became her shadow. I was so over protective of her, and her feelings, fighting for her in anyway, because I needed to save her from her illness and I refused to let it win. I made sure she took care of herself, took her medication, went to counseling (as often as she needed) no matter the cost. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. Nothing. I tried to imbue her with the love I felt for her, but in the end it didn’t matter.
I have no idea what will happen nor do I believe in our judicial system or that it is partial and fair, not anymore. I do not believe people like my ex husband have goodness in them and are capable of good things, especially seeing the insidious way he has lashed out at me. On the very day of our divorce he announced how wonderful his girlfriend was to him by insinuating I wasn’t, or how he told me he would do everything in his power to have the money we had left run out and cause me to file bankruptcy or telling me to sign over rights to our daughter like she was a pawn. I have learned abusers like my ex will get into relationships quickly, move in and profess their love all to keep their cycle going and hide who they are, that is until they know for sure they have their victim hooked. In time his girlfriend will hopefully see who he really is. My guess is her ex was also an abuser and she is overlooking aspects of my ex and that her gut feeling/voice of doubt she has been dismissed because she doesn’t want to be alone. She settled just as I did and like I did she will pay a high price.
It hurts I lost my daughter and my ex’s girlfriend, who has no understanding of what it means to be a mother, (she never had children), let alone the issues my daughter has is helping to raise her. The loss and now silent person I will always be in her life, erased as I have never existed is deeply painful. It has carried over to all aspects of my life in ways that I could have never imagined. If I could I would erase her from memory just to stop the pain I live with.
You may be wondering why it seems like I have had a set back, because the feelings I have were brought back tenfold when I went back to live with my dad. The glass tea cup was also there along with the painful memories. The child I bore and loved with my every molecule, hurt me and forever changed my life. I am moving forward, I see it and feel it, even if it is ever so slow. Progress is still progress and I will succeed.