There has been so many changes in my life, good and bad, happy and sad, but changes none-the-less. Some I have welcomed excitedly and others I have been broken from, to the point I had to find myself again, piece by piece. If there is one thing I have extrapolated from what I’ve experienced, it is that nothing in life is certain. I know now, based on the actions of others, how they think and feel about me, (some were incredibly close to me or so I though), and it has been a deeply eye opening and humbling experience. As much as I’d like you to believe I have been moving on with grace, nothing could be further from the truth, everything in life is a process, especially when what you are moving on from is hard in devastatingly monumental life changing ways. (Yes a mouthful but so true). I learned how those I though I was important to valued me and what they truly thought of me, and while it caused great pain, in the end it was something I needed to find out. The truth is invaluable even when difficult, perhaps especially so. It’s been long over due and every bit necessary, but for the first time in my life I am focusing on me. There is no longer distractions of a husband or any underage children I feel I must put first, or for a later time to take the time for myself. I have nothing but time and with it I have found I need to focus on what “I” need. It is easier said than done, but this is “my” life and I owe it to myself. Based on that premise alone I have been using what I have been through to evaluate my life and to work ongrowing in areas I allowed to hold me back. (There are areas we all can improve on).I am not working toward legend status, I just would like to be more of the type of person people are drawn to, who can make others feel good, is a positive role model, can help others and who can keep it together, (something I have not done especially well the last few months). I’d like to work on ensuring the relationships I do have I deepen, especially those with my daughters. There is nothing more I would like than to be closer to them and in their life in ways that really matter and to show them how to appreciate, love and value themselves. They are and will always be my pride and joys but I need to look outside of them now. (I know they appreciate that.)
It’s hard looking at the things in life that scare you, and hold you back. When you realize the very things you though you had overcome, you just have reconstructed in a different form, well it’s a stop in the tracts moment and an awareness comes. Facing fears in any capacity is eye opening, informative, and in my case necessary. Living on my own, no longer having children I need to focus on and not having a real career (I was a stay at home mom) are life changing and are a down right frightening place for me. Being alone has been overwhelming, dark and debilitatingly hard to face, work on coming to terms with it was not something I was planning on facing for a few more years. It doesn’t help I’m an introvert by nature and have to work hard on putting myself “out” there. I have not been good at that ever or meeting for casual banter. I have struggled with feelings of isolation and loneness for companionship/friendships in some form due to being an introvert but I notice it now even more. I satiated my need for socialization by interacting with my children and now I realize it is an important life skill I have to develop, especially now that my children are no longer children. I realize to help alleviate those feelings I need to learn how to socialize in healthy ways, go out with friends and build those connections and work on my overall comfort level.
I inadvertently sold myself short for much of my life and put the needs of others before my own. I did it out of love but I also did it based on my fear of failure. I was taught failure was wrong and made you stupid and unsuccessful, do it right the first time. I have noticed I am not stupid and when I feel confidence I am successful. I let what I have been taught (fear of failure) to dictate who I was and what I did in life. No more!I want my life to feel emotionally full, I want to be successful personally and I want a great support system intact socially (no Facebook close as our society is constructing). I’m sure by strengthening my personal weaknesses it will be a great start in building internal confidence and overcoming aspects that have caused me to settle. I know the better I know myself, the more I’ll understand life and how I fit into the world and people who touch my life, and not second guess myself; my intuition. Far too long I have done for others, been stepped on, over, used, mistreated, taken advantage of and not treated with any worth. I’m sad I never realized my own value and let those who, if they cared for me would have respected me and shown me love and kindness, instead of anger and hate. By overcome these aspects of myself and building my internal voice in confidence and self-assuredness I hope to change my world in affirming and positive ways. I matter ~