Falling asleep fast and soundly I woke at what I assumed was my time to wake up,5:40 am. It indeed was not my time to wake up, it was only 11:00 pm, groaning I closed my eyes and knew I was in for a long night. I woke three times over the course of my sleep schedule, once due to cold feet, the rest from worry over oversleeping. Nothing I have been doing has helped to rectify the quality of sleep I have experienced, but come Friday night when I lay down, I know I will sleep deeply, long and content. For now I look forward to the time when my sleep once again will be sound and healthy. I’m sure much of how I sleep now is associated with the negative chaos that has been happening in my life; it comes out whenever and wherever it can.
The good thing about my choppy sleep last night is I got to work early! Being up earlier than I needed to be gave me time to make my hot tea and process my thoughts, and take a moment without rushing. I was anxiety free leaving and on the drive to work setting my day up on a positive note. I have many things to accomplish this week that are time sensitive and I know I can knock them out and not get worked up about them, (as long as I pace myself). I can control that at least and that gives me a sense of security and needed structure in my life. The control over aspects of my life that I don’t ultimately have but I need, I hope I will eventually gain back some semblance of control. There is so much in my life right now that I have no predictability over and that is what is causing me so much angst. I realize many things in our lives we have no (real) control or predictability over, but the things I should have the ability to control, I don’t. I understand and I see much more clearly all the things in my life that I react to due to anxiety and the loss of structure and the control that comes with it. If what I have been going through has taught me anything, it has taught me how much anxiety I’ve had, and have and how much it has controlled me, much more than I have ever realized. Now I have the big picture of myself (thanks), I can begin to work on and help myself to over come aspects I just assumed were part of me, but were actually anxiety driven.
I’m not saying anxiety is a bad thing, but when it is proportionately out of wack and is what drives you, it is not healthy. So in the interim, I will take time to improve whatever I can about myself and my life overall to remove the ambient effects. I have learned so much about myself and parts of myself that I’d like to improve on or overhaul and find a new way. It’s been such an unyielding time for me (and my daughters) and seeing who I am and becoming ameliorated is important to me. In addition, recognizing and discerning other people for who they are, neither in good or bad ways, just for who they are has opened my eyes. People I thought I could depend on emotionally for support I could not at all, people I knew for years turned on me and my world disintegrated around me as the person my ex actually was cane to light, al very eye opening. I realize more now than ever how much anxiety I have carried with me for so long… I seriously need to change how I let life affect me.
I am overhaul myself, critically thinking about the why or how I react and interact with poignant aspects of my current life, I’m analyzing my daily overall life and the stressors in my life that trigger me. I realize it can be such an unhealthy way of interacting with the world, especially when so much many aspects of my life seem anxiety driven. Not that I want to come across as saintly but I think there is something to be said for coming across as calm and collected; ie controlled. Hopefully my life will start to allow for these changes I want to and need to make, I’m sure it will improve my quality of life. If you haven’t noticed I’m not good at just letting things go. I hold on to them for a long time and it takes me a long time to work through what ever it is I’m dealing with at the time. Not good and not healthy.
The other day at court I saw how anxious my ex husband seemed to be when he asked the judge the same question I posed months earlier, when I was in his place. I knew how he must of felt, but in that moment I though I didn’t need to worry anymore, and he would come to feel much like I did. I can tell you this, it was awful struggling to provide for the needs of another, and not being able to, there were so many things I did without and cried often over how hard it was, and while his actions were geared to hurt me they relieved a burden (I was happy to take) but no longer had to. I just wish he would have truly seen the effects on our children. Please, I am no saint and know I have also affected my children, but there isn’t a day that goes by that they are not the first thing my heart goes to. I have made mistakes in my approach and if I knew then what I know now I would have done anything to spare them, I would have been so different for them. I stayed in marriage because I though I was doing the right thing for them, but in the end I know it would have been had it not been for my ex’s acrimonious behavior.
I love my children and hate what divorce did to them. The stress and upheaval it cause them, I know it has changed them, because the stress has changed me.