My writing has been a rambling of jumbled mess, my life mimics my writing in insurmountableways, along with those of my thoughts and feelings. I’ve been overwhelmed with the meriade of life changing steps I’ve had no choice but to take, and hope I can keep my anxiety more in check than I have. I cannot recall ever having anxiety this bad,not only do I hate it, but I have to act like I don’t have it and work diligently on keeping it together. I’m sure a good portion of you probably have seen my anxiety in my writing, as it has infiltrated every part of my life. Anxiety is one of those feelings that if I could cut off a body part to not have it, I’d do it right now, that’s how detrimental it is and has been for me.
In the last day or so I’ve come to some conclusions and realizations. Depending on the moment I either feel no anxiety or so much I feel like I’m jumping out of my skin, my stomach feels as if I’m on a rollercoaster and I can feel stress on my heart and almost feel as if I need to vomit and at times it makes me cry. Don’t worry I’m healthy, but the anxiety takes hold and I can really feel it’s affects on my body and mind. It’s awful. No matter how much I try the anxiety seeps in and causes havoc, destroying my confidence and making me feel inadequate by bringing old feelings to the surface. I not only have to contend with what’s going on in my life but I have to deal with myself and keep pushing forward and dealing with old feelings that pair with what’s going on now.
I know moving forward is the only way to go, but doing it and having to depend on only myself, (no family) makes it so darn difficult. I want to give up so much. It comes at me so fast and there is so much. I can fee the tax on my body, and mind. Which brings me to a realization I had, but first a disclaimer, I am sharing insight not contemplating what I’m going to express. The people who succeed at suicide need more than a suggestion of a hotline number and being told if you need help call to get help. If they are going to end their life you will not stop them with a number, or suggestion they call for help. What you need to do is you need to connect with the person on a personal emotional level and give them what they don’t have, hope and love for who they are. Don’t berate or yell at them, be kind. Do you really think if a person was in a good place emotionally they would just end their life?
I have been dealing with so much upheaval and uncertainty for a few years now but now the last six months have been the hardest. The other day some personal encounters cleared my mind of a few of the things that add to the heaviness I have been caring. Hopefully it will continue, but I need support, emotional support and love. I didn’t chose where I am in life (at present) but by improving my circumstances it helps to quell the surge of anxiety that has taken hold. I’d like nothing more than to feel the security and happiness I did just 6 months ago.
The people that come out the other side, I guarantee it was because someone(s) gave emotionally and just loved them for who they were and where they were. I think I’m improving, but this is how I feel right now, this very moment. I hope it continues with no setbacks, fingers crossed. I don’t want my life to feel like all I am doing is struggling, and that’s what I am doing. It sucks the life out of me and makes me so tired. I want nothing more than to feel good about life again and have some of the things that matter most to me in my life again. I am hoping to relocate the feelings of anxiety I have into something I can benefit from, because right now, I’m not benefiting.
I’ve never been one to let my life stagnate (not like this) and the unhealthiness for which I’m stuck in makes me feel so helpless. It has to end, I’m not helpless.