The Unrest of Pain

The unrest I have been feeling in my life with my current situation, well, it is unreal. Just unreal.  I struggle daily to be able to deal with all the pressure and stress I’m under and to be able to make sense of the injustice that came about on so many levels.  Yes I am depressed.  I have tried to not be, worked on moving forward and to not dwell,  but the fact remains I cannot move forward until all this garbage my ex is throwing at me stops.

I woke today, not wanting to get up even though I had already slept in, I looked at the clock and saw it was after 8:00 am.  Not wanting to get up, I set my alarm a bit later, closed my eyes and went back to sleep.  At my age I hear people need less sleep, bha, I need more and any chance I get, I will sleep in.

I guess it was a good thing I didn’t sleep all that late, first and foremost, I had an appointment, but more importantly it was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining and the air smelled of autumn and leaves.  Off in the distance I could smell a fire, a relaxing scent, and very calming.  I felt happier by myself than I have in a long time, a huge accomplishment and relaxed in a way I desperately needed.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any issues being by myself and normally I don’t find it depressing, what I find depressing when I am alone, is my mind focuses on the current list of problems I have an over abundance of and it feels lonely.  The loneliness is what kills you.

Day in and day out I work on coming to terms with what is, what I don’t want and yet I have to find a way to let go of it all and move on.  It’s the overwhelming voice in my head from my past that dictates how I feel about myself when times are bad.  That voice is the voice that holds me back and prevents me from thinking that what I am going through is normal and a result of the person I was told I was in my childhood – no good and unlovable and not worthy of life.  I know that all sounds too far fetched, but really it was worse than that

I do like who I am and think I’m a pretty great person, that is until the words often spoken to me echo in my head,  “You’re a goddamn dummy, no one loves you,  you’re a stupid ugly child.”  and then I think, well these were people who should have loved me maybe they were right.  Put into play my ex husband who played on those insecurities by harmlessly (so he said) poking fun of me and demeaning me, and later concocted stories so he could avoid paying me anything he owed me, which give you a you a woman, who struggles every day to overcome her history and her past.

I do not want my life to feel as it does, I don’t want to have to struggle as hard as I have had to.  Every day I wish I could have the support of someone in my family to tell me it will be alright and I am loved by them, but neither of my parents (who are still alive) should have had children.  If I showed the slightest bit of sorrow or tears my dad would say what the hell is wrong with you and mock me.  My mom only cared about me when someone else was around and I severed ties long ago with her.   Now I am doing that with my father.  I do not deserve or need his destructive and conniving behavior and telling me I am less of a person than I am.  You cannot imagine how isolating it is knowing I have no family who wants me or thought anything of me growing up and now my own child (who lied about me) feels the same.  I have to say it has made me wonder so much about my reasons for being alive and part of a world that has seemed to tell me so often I do not belong.

I have worked hard to over come so much of my past and yet no matter where I go in life, it not only follows me but it takes over my life in such a way I am told I am dwelling on my issues and not working to moving forward.  I am tired of hearing my daughter will come back to me.  The point is she did this in the first place and didn’t consider me in any way as having any worth or value as her mother or the countless ways I showed her the love I had for her.  I did none of the things to her I had done to me and which happen in my childhood and over my lifetime. I would give anything to be able to feel I was loved by my parents.

My dad thinks the only thing I or my children want is money from him.  That’s the only thing he is willing partially to give, he doesn’t give love or treat you with kindness or respect, but don’t cross his line.  I used to think he loved me, but I don’t feel that way any more after the last year and all he had done to me.  I was told by him I was worthless and would be a nobody if it wasn’t for him.  I don’t do drugs, I don’t steal, I honest, hardworking and kind.  The only thing I haven’t done is think I have enough in me to make something of myself.  That has changed with the changing of my tide.

I have to find a way to move forward and make something of myself in a way I can take care of myself self-sufficiently,  I now realize I will always be alone when it comes to having a family who loves and cares for me.  But I have to tell you it makes it so hard when I have to go through gut wrenching difficulty like I am now.  So many people do not know how blessed they are to have a family willing to support, help and show them love.  What I would give.

Today is the first day in a long time I only feel mildly depressed.  I am trying to move on but I am getting sick of being told it will get better when it has gotten worse, exponetionally worse each year for the last 6 years.  I don’t know what I am not doing to stop the cycle, but it has to end at some time, it just has to.  I can tell you I have worked most of the time I was married to improve myself and work on who I was.  I went back to school got an associates, graduating with honors.  I reworked myself and became a kinder and more caring person and did everything I could to help my daughter to feel loved and acceptance from me in each and every way possible.  I took time to work with my children , help them in any way I could and spend time with them. I wanted to give them what I never had.

At one point in time I hated children, but now I see how important it is to show children how much you love and care for them.  Speaking kind to them by actions and words is so important, especially at a very early age when who they are and how they feel about themselves is being developed.  I see how my scares have been transferred to my children and as I get older I so badly want to make a difference in as many children’s lives as I can.  No one should have to endure what I did growing up, let alone what I did as I aged.

Maybe someday soon my life will have meaning and I will have over come, all of this, or maybe I won’t.  Only the passage of time, (which we all have a set amount of) will reveal if indeed I will have some meaning and good things come my way, because I cannot continue to live like this – and I am trying incredibly hard.



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