No More!

My life is a messed up, crazy bonafide zoo. There has been no stability for years, except the piercing molten hot daggers coming at me, one after another, nonstop. First from my now ex husband and also from my father and now my daughter. In many respects they are all peas in a pod, abusive and selfish emotionally and disingenuous . As a result of everything I’ve had come at me and had to deal with, it has taken its toll on me and I have come to the conclusion I want nothing to do with them. With my ex that was already determined.

During one of my many discussion with people over the multitude of “problems” I’ve had to work through (in which they all have pretty much said the same thing), I have finally realized I need to stop caring about my daughter and wondering why she did what she did. It doesn’t matter why she did what she did, and it doesn’t matter why she doesn’t care for me, she is gone by choices she made and has to learn to be accountable for the things she says and does. She has pain and disasters trailing behind her. She won’t find happiness behaving in the manner she is known for and in the end it won’t change how she feels about herself and her life, (or her perception of me), until she acknowledge what she has done and what she does and ultimately learn to work through her illness and want to get better. I gave everything to help her and she chose to lie and cut me out of her life and she had to live with it.

I on the other hand need to find my sparkle and old self, the person I lost when I grieved her loss and what she did to me. Why grieve for her? Really? She (and her father) made up everything that happened and lied about me, a person she said she loved. She doesn’t love me. You don’t do that to someone you love. Have your way and leave me alone, you have done enough damage and caused enough pain and are destructive.

Happiness comes from within, starts with your thoughts and feelings, and perceptions. Believe it or not I am an outgoing happy person, I’m positive and hard working and helpful. I love life, well I did until this happened and I realized how little my child though of me and the things I did to help her. I did until I realized my ex’s only motivation was to hurt me and make me pay under all costs. I did until I came to terms with how terrible my father really is. I was a hands on mother always there, but in the end it didn’t matter, neither did the love and care I showed her, it just didn’t matter. For me it was about giving and showing love by hugging, doing things together, cooking, riding bikes, making things for her and talking nicely to her and soothing her, but none of that mattered to her. She would rather be materialistic and superficial and be bought with possessions and be allowed to do what ever she wanted. I’m a nobody to her, and a nobody I will always be to her. Boy what a dummy I was, so stupid.

Never again will I think loving someone in the most genuine and caring of ways would mean something, anything. What a fool I was, a stupid, stupid fool. Everything I’ve lost. I’m done. I am so done! I fought for all my children (to help them to be successful) for so long, for what?! Really? I’ve reached the end of my rope. No more. No more.

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