Change of this Fool

Everything changes and has changed in my life in ways I would have never imagined, and at this point in time not for the better. Instead of seeing everything that has happened recently as a blessing I see it as a devastating loss and grapple with the pain. Don’t get me wrong, I might be crying poor me, but I am not sitting around not trying to better myself or move on. I will move on, I will. It’s just that what has come my way was a whammy on all accounts.

I have worked hard to remove the images of what happened from my mind, and not dwell or focus on them so I can get to a serene place and work on healing. I focus on as many positive aspects of life that bring me comfort; nature, work, my two daughters who are still with me and love me, my dog and my friends who have loved and helped me. But somehow I get caught in a loop, feel my loss and the pain that comes with it knowing what is, is, the tears flow and more doubts come to mind. I know, it is clearly not healthy. It isn’t. I seek serenity and I find more sorrow.

Today, I felt more in control with my emotions, but I now realize I can no longer even think of what has brought me to my knees, let alone talk about it. The pain is too great and I keep reopening it when I let any thoughts or feelings come forth. These precarious happening are not due to me but the feelings I struggle with are, and I am allowing them to hold me back. No matter how many tears I cry it will not change, so I must. I need to on all accounts push every though out that caused this and no longer allow it to come into my mind. I’ve dwelled on this too long. I need to empower myself.

Empowerment. I’m a huge advocate on empowering yourself and believing in yourself but I realize now I have not been doing that for myself. I have during this entire scenario second guessed who I was and what I did or didn’t do, but the truth is I did nothing but take my life back. I know I am a good person, I love deeply, I am a phenomenal mother, and I did a great job raising my children. I am loved at my job and I know I am valued by every person I work wit because of how they talk to me, treat me and help me. My daughters, the two who have stuck by me, tell me often how much they value me and yet, I didn’t see my value or value myself. I realize now I was seeing myself through my past abuser eyes and equating how they treated me with who I was. I am no longer going to allow their past treatment of me to reflect on me and define who I am. They are miserable, unhappy, loathsome people who do not care who they hurt. I have for too long wished for the love and care a parent should give a child and never gotten, from not one parent but both. I am done, completely done with wanting my fathers love, respect and care, we won’t even get into his lack of loyalty, (and years ago I let what I wanted from my mother go for the same reason). I am sure I will do far better then they have ever estimated I would be just based on how they have valued themselves, just watch me! I needed my parents but now I want neither of them and do not want either of them in my life anymore. They don’t even love themselves.

I have gotten to where I am in life much on my own with no one in my nuclear family supporting me emotionally. (Thankfully I’ve received support from friends). I have built myself up and overcome ever dark obstacles put in my way. I am not weak, I am sensitive and emotional and let my emotions get to me, but I am a strong, determined woman who will not give up when I want something and I will put everything into getting what I need. I am not allowing another person to ever again hurt me in these ways, period. I don’t care who it is. You lost me I didn’t lose you.

I now know why I wasn’t moving forward. It really was a combination of things. I was allowing past treatment of me to dictate how I saw myself and how I saw my value. I allowed what was done to me and my lack of family support to make me feel alone and unloved. I am well liked and deeply loved and I can do this, I just have to believe it.

I will do this. I intend on doing this. I need to put my own self worth back into myself and accept my own voice as right and let go of all self doubt. My daughter is gone by her own accord, no amount of mourning will change that, and even if it did it wouldn’t change what she did. As hard as what came to pass is it won’t change due to my sorrow. She has shown she doesn’t love me (in a healthy way) and doesn’t want me in her life, and she will need to live with the consequences of her actions.

No I do not know what the future holds other than we all will die. When, who knows, but I cannot wait around for her on the slight chance things change, I need to move on. I gave her so much of who I was, I would have moved heaven and Earth to help her in any way possible, I would have given my life for hers. Alas now I have had our ties severed and she, well… is no longer in my life at all. Possibly never again. May she be able to live with what she did and come to terms with it in heathy ways.

I cannot think about, or care anymore and I must let go. I need to put myself first and learn my own importance, I definitely know it has nothing to do with her, as she has clearly shown me with her actions. Do I love her, yes. However I cannot have such an unstable person in my life who hates me and will act out to get her way. If one day she has changed and wants me back in her life, well the chance is higher, but she has never treated me like I am an important to her even as her mother.

In time I might feel different, but this is all on her and her father who orchestrated this and I cannot try to unravel it. I’m done.

I need to be. I must move on.

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