Today, yes today, I feel, well I feel ok emotionally. I’m exhausted otherwise, but I feel more in control of my feelings and know my thoughts won’t take over in any way. I feel good about that. (It’s about time!)
So why I am I exhausted? Well I didn’t have insomnia which was wonderful, but something startled me awake and I was up for about 30 minutes, soooo when this morning came it seemed way too soon, plus when you have a headache upon waking it says something. That makes tonight an early night!!! Bed here I come! Lol!
We take for granted simple things that are beautiful, like the rising sun lighting up one side of the bark and bare branches of a tree in late fall. I gaze at the beauty in this simplistic sight. I look at the sky and see dark cloud cover being pushed aside from the rising sun, or is it an accompanying cold front? Either way it is visually stimulating.
The bareness of the trees, (most of them), allow you to really study the exposed bark and see the many variations, such as texture, size, whether moss is growing or not, color of the bark and you can see the left over nest no longer hidden by leaves. Seeing the trees like this and looking at them over the cold months for any changes helps me to realize there is still lots of life present even while in a semi dormant state.
I try not to expect but instead take in what I see in all aspects of my life. I also (try to) only move forward and not look back, however as of late I was looking to what I’ve lost in the last several months and was looking back. Mourning loss of any magnitude is one of the most difficult things I have had to move through and endure as I keep feeing the loss over and over in spades. The purposeful actions hurt, but I can only move one-way, forward. Looking back will not change anything and will only hurt me.
Over analyzing and studying what has past is only hurting me, I can’t change it and going over it only causes me undue pain. I cannot predict any outcome and trying to is also hurting me. I will have good days and bad days and as time goes on I will have more good days until hopefully one day I will no longer feel so much heartache. Living with someone’s else’s truth even if they were manipulations of partial truths will not and have not changed where my life has gone but has just created a lifetime loss I now must live with. There is nothing else I can do.
Seasons will come and go, years will pass and time will go by. I will age and change and you will move on not knowing me or I knowing you… any longer. I will no longer know your likes or dislikes or even who you are. As if you were never my child to being with.
And time continues,