Insomnia. I’ve had two days of it (this bad), but my life is deplorably overwhelming in catastrophic ways and finding new ways to handle what I really don’t want to, well (as I scratch my head) it’s difficult. DIFFICULT! I told someone I know that my life at present feels like I’m in the center of a blackhole being pulled down, I can see my way out, but I just can’t manage to get out. Every conceivable thing I can do I am doing but I was told my expectations are bigger than what time will allow. I don’t do slow, I can’t – I won’t. If it kills me to do what I must, then it will kill me, but I cannot drag things out under any circumstances or let anything drag out it will overwhelm me in ways that I just cannot do.
I’m so sick of how hard life is in general at the present moment to the tenth power. I’m so sick of getting the short end of the stick, with the broken end, WTH. I’m done with it. Problem is life just isn’t done giving it to me and it infuriates me because I am strong enough, I’m still living!!! Hello karma did you hear that? It was a good day. However I’m guessing the lack of sleep from the days of insomnia made my feelings come forth and be felt in (sharp tipped) spades – can you say panic attack. We’ll it never came on, it was just too close and I didn’t like it. I somehow managed to relax myself enough to control the feelings and prevent them from getting stronger and firing off into a full blown actual panic attack. But for the good portion of the morning I could feel residuals of the feelings that were the original catalyst to bring me close. I’m going to keep track of potential times this could happen to ensure I can prevent them should feelings arise again. I say again because I have been working hard to not let my feeling get out of control over what I cannot control.
Seems to me, most of my life as of recent I have had no control over, so I need to get used to these type of life setups especially because they always happen, It’s just when it becomes overwhelmingly bad do we notice. I don’t know if you know, but our life really is a façade of control that we don’t have, but we believe we have. The only thing one can control in life is how they feel, think, and react, that where our only power is.
I need to find a different way of coping with what I am going through, because if you hadn’t noticed what I had been doing was not helpful and was not working, causing me to struggling more. I’m tired of struggling in so many ways and if I can get one of the ways I handle the truck load to change it will help lighten my load and I can start to work and focus on being healthy.
Speaking of healthy, I worked hard to find things that made my content today. My job is a great place to work at on so many fronts. The students and the staff I work with, the teacher, and everyone else in the school is so kind and I love to be surrounded by them. The morning sky seemed lighter than normal, I was told their wasn’t as much cloud cover, but all I cared about is that is was brighter out. The day went fast, even considering the potential of a panic attack. But it didn’t happen which makes it great!! I filled up my gas tank and was surprised to see how inexpensive it was in comparison to how it has been. That made me happy.
I think I will be able to sleep tonight. I’m tired. Fingers crossed. Ill have to let you know tomorrow!! Off to bed.
As yes I know this blog has an odd feel to it, almost detached feeling, at least that’s my take on it,