In my Heart

I cannot sleep. I have been trying to will sleep to come, but the tired feeling where you drift off is just out of reach. I feel the yawns come on but I am wired. Sigh.

Looking for solutions. I posted a long blog post the other day trying to let go, have been listening to dharma talks, meditating, working on my Etsy site, and rehashing over what my two daughters were opening up to me about. I know I need to pull myself together for them. I see the pain they are in over what they also have suffered, in addition to seeing me suffer and enduring what I did and what I am now going through.

I wish that I could give them the peace of mind and security they need more than ever now. The safe haven of home to depend on and feel secure about, but all I can give them is my love and let them know I will do anything for them. I see the pain and loss they have endured over the years and now having lost their sister and me my daughter.

I have been spiraling out of control having to deal with way too much as of late. But right now at this minute I feel more centered and like I can succeed. I read a post that said “you are not the center of the universe”. No I am not, but I feel as if my pain is making me a blackhole. Not a good feeling at all. I don’t want to feel this way on any level but what does one do when options don’t feel like options? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been one to sit idly by or ignoring what is, I look for solutions. However,while I look for solutions I also become pessimistic,scramble and scurry frantically trying to handle the uncertainty. Not a great coping mechanism I realize, but one undoubtedly that has served its need, albeit poorly.

I might feel incompetent but that doesn’t mean I am. I know I am not I’m just too used to second guessing myself and filling my mind with doubts. We go back to what we know, even if it isn’t healthy behavior. For now, this moment I have pulled myself out.

Seeing my eldest daughter on thanksgiving and spending it with her extended family was nice. She has grown into a lovely woman, but hearing her pain and seeing how strong she has been for me, made me realize I was only thinking of how I experienced the loss we all suffered. I realize that more than ever now.

My middle daughter reached out to me and told me she loved me, and talk for me fo quite some time. She used such a percussive tone when talking to me and made me feel so much better. More centered. I love them so very much. The middle daughter is a realist and lets me know I cannot control certain things and I need to live in the moment, because what is, is. What I can control then ok! Love you!

I have way to much I cannot control and looking for answers won’t help me find them or change what has happened. Only I can change my outcome, and I need to find my purpose.

I’m working on finding it. Love that’s what we all need. It is what helps us when night are heavy and days are meaningless. Love helps us find meaning. Love me. I love me.



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