Thanks for Riley

It seems all I have right now are the unhealthy thoughts that fill my mind and what I have to work on moving past. Recently divorced, I find it wasn’t the divorce that was hard to go through but the way my ex chose to behaved and the after math when the divorce was finished. I tried hard to be fair and work with him during the process, even starting out with a mediator, but even back then he was cut throat and filled with hostility. I diligently separate my feelings from the process and stood by my word doing as much as I could to be fair and amicable.

The history, our history was there and he wasn’t having it. Now because of actions he took in retaliation against me I am again left with the aftermath of his actions to mull through. My feelings have never mattered to him nor does he hold any accountability for his behaviors. The disingenuous way he aggressively attacks is clearly visible on his face and seen in the actions he takes. Knowing him as I do I can pick up on and I notice the distinct unsettling look of vengeance mixed with hatred he has for anyone he feels crosses him and often it was me he felt that way about. Never mind if his actions cause the events to unfold, he would not be held accountable. He has always felt he was entitled and should “get” whatever he wanted and would often brag about his intelligence and his IQ, but really it is how we treat other and use our skills that matter most.

I was talking to a friend about how I feel about the fact someone like him seems to get away with and has no remorse for what he does. I made it clear to her I do not have any feelings of love for him and if I could get him out of my life, I would be able to deal with all this so much more easily. The fact is there is no accountability or any remorse for what he does. It is always someone else’s fault for the things that happen in his life or why he did what he did. I’m angry that this man (which as mean as it sounds I have never classed him as one) has the most obscene childish behavior when he doesn’t get his way or what he wants. Having studied psychology a bit and having learned a few things, it is apparent he acts like a little boy trying to get his way from his mother, and he would often put me in that role. This divorce was the best thing I could have done and it was the right thing. However that being said I would have never gotten divorced if he had put as much energy in our marriage as he did in his need to get his way and the other unhealthy ways he chose to act.

I had hoped the divorce would have caused him to have some sort of realization about himself and caused him some suffering for the things he did and still continues to do to me. Why, because it would me he had feelings and was remorseful and accountable for what he did. But all I know he still wants me to suffer, he spends too much time reading my blog and devising ways to hurt me. How do I know? He has used my blog against me and quoted it. He has always fed on drama and would create it because he needed the rush it gave. I’m not so sure how he is fairing now maybe his girlfriend finally sees him for who he is or maybe he has developed human traits of kindness. However he is extremely coy and good at deception and people think he is just an average nice guy, or so he makes you believe until you get past his outer exterior.

The many people over the years I tried to get to be his friends disliked him and were uncomfortable in his presence and never contacted him again. He blamed me. Of course I found out they didn’t like him and got the hair standing on the back of the neck feeling but I didn’t find this out until I was divorcing. I wish those people would have told me sooner, but I know they didn’t want to get in the middle of our marriage and contrary to his beliefs I didn’t say how awful he was to me. Had I known earlier how those people felt about him I would have felt so much better about myself because he would tell me people didn’t like me.

I’ve been writing about this and my feelings over this and my process for some time now, recently even more. I now realize I have been doing so because I am trying to find out the “why” of why I have all these negative feelings for him on such a deeply seeded level now more than ever. I now have my answer. The lack of accountability on his part and the way he seems to have had no setbacks or suffering and yes that he is doing we’ll bother me. He hooked up with a needy woman who was willing to not see his faults because she was so desperate to find love she settled for him. But still it is hard to see a person who feeds off of others and uses distraction and using people to get ahead. No life is not fair but sometimes the travesty of it all ways on me.

Please do not assume I think I was perfect in my marriage, I wasn’t. But I was honest, I worked to communicate and express myself, I was faithful and was willing to do what it took to have a good marriage. Marriage definitely is work, hard work,but well worth it.

I write this on one of my beloved of holidays, Thanksgiving. I had so many ideals of these holidays and family and truth be told it never happened the way I wanted it to be. Storybook. Lol. I wish today more than ever I could feel the way I did with my daughters on this day, they all wanted to cook with me and the love they gave, I miss it.

You always have something to be thankful for. That might be true, but this year I have a long overwhelming list of things that make it hard to feel thankful for what I do have. The piecemeal way my life is right now and how much I am suffering on so many fronts, well… let’s just say my life sucks and has almost no worth. I see the top of the stairs off in the distance and wonder how I got at the bottom. Each step I take seems to make the top further and further away. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in a good secure place in life and I long for it. But at some point you start to feel like letting go. It seems when you are down people shy away from wanting to help and tell you sorry. To the people I though I mattered to the sad fact is I don’t. Sigh. And those stairs up, they keep getting further and further away no matter how many I climb.

It would be so nice to say my life’s woes are the fault of gremlins. That my life is improving and I have people willing to help me in ways that really could help me. The depressing fact is it is a bunch of doors closing in my face. To be clear I am not sitting around waiting for someone to save me, even if it would be nice. I am doing, and taking steps to better myself but the sad truth is it is painstakingly s-l-o-w and there isn’t all that much help.

Focus on what I have. Two daughters that love me, a desire to perceiver, I write on here, I opened an Etsy store, my dog Riley whom I visit often live me and I love him, a job I love and a car that runs and friends who have not left me when I am down.

I’m not as happy as I’d like to be, I’m content at this very moment, and everything I should be doing to help myself I am. Only time will tell it it pays off and my life improves or if I get swallowed up by death and forgotten about. Yes it was said pretty grimly and if you knew more about what I’m experiencing you would understand where I am coming from. I am not depressed I’m realistic and I know how harsh the world is. I’ve experience it too often and am in the throws of it now.

On another note, years ago I had a Shih Tzu I named Gizmo. He looked like the character from the move Gremlins. I loved that dog so much. When he passed away prematurely my oldest daughter paid for a dog my ex husband brought home for Christmas. He is the same kind of dog with the same colorings. Riley Nibbles never replaced Gizmo, or Ooshima as I’d call him, but he has been my saving grace through all of this, I am thankful to Lauren for paying for him so her father could bring him home for me to love and help me survive.

Please think of those in need and not just at the holidays. We are your friends, people you see in the store, coworkers, your average janes/johns and we are all around you.

Thanks.

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