Little O’l Me…

I am struggling if you hadn’t noticed.  I no longer have a family unit, my two daughters are missing having a place to call home, we all are, and I don’t know when things will turn around for me, for all of us.  I am very close to my two girls who support and love me, but it is really hard on all three of us, especially considering this is not what any of us expected out of life. You don’t go into marriage saying I’ll be divorced in 25 years.

I left after I had enough and while it was a good thing I ended the marriage, the aftermath certainly wasn’t good by any means.  During the course of our marriage I was quiet about what went on only telling a few what really was happening.  For so long I suffered in silence and felt empowered when I told the world how it really was for me and the kids, but the truth is I shouldn’t have aired my dirty laundry on any social media.  Perhaps if I hadn’t my ex wouldn’t have used my words against me, and against me he did.

I know so many of you are sick to death hearing about my woes, but the fact remains, I am struggling having no family that supports me, and having my daughter taken.  She hates me and believes I was an awful mother, and whether I like it or not, that is her reality.  The reality I and my other two daughters have is a far different reality than hers, but the fact remains she is no longer in my life and probably won’t be again.  Part of the reason I keep, (for lack of a better term), complaining, is I am trying to wish it to change.  We know that doesn’t not happen.  I was and am a good mother.  I am not abusive but I have hit my kids.  For that matter so has my ex husband, his mother and my father.  But when you are out for vengeance you will use what ever you can to gain control, and that is what he did.

He has always been coy and underestimated while I have always been the underdog when it comes to dealing with him. Why do I keep talking about this, over and over?  I don’t know how to move on when I have literally nothing.  I knew it would be hard when I divorced, I was ready for that, but I never imagined my ex would be so mean and hateful, that my father would see nothing wrong with talking to him, making my ex think he is not supporting me.  My father supports me, but hates conflict even though he causes it by his actions.

I am trying to carve out a new future for myself and am told I need to be thankful for what I have.  I don’t have the things we all want as we age.  I have two children who love and support me, friends that love me, a dog, my dog who is amazing, and my wonderful job.  What I don’t have, and it clouds my sight and robs me of feeling blessed, is no family support, no home, (I don’t make enough to have my own place), plus the ex is taking me to court to pay him child support.

I have always been honest and open and think that should mean something in life, but it doesn’t.  It is hard, I am a good person and just didn’t want to be with the person who did not treat me like you should treat someone you are married to and say you love.  Heck you shouldn’t treat any person like I was treated.  I am sick of feeling how I feel, of knowing nothing is changing for me right now.  I work hard, I am dependable, kind and loyal, but I didn’t think much of myself for so long, and took what I though was the easy way out, I married thinking I would beat the odds.  Only way that happens is if both of you are working for the same things.

Now I think more of myself than I ever have, that’s why I left my ex, what I didn’t count on was that my father was just like the ex, (or the ex was just like my dad).  So because there is a restraining order against me, and my ex keeps bringing my daughter to my fathers house to get stuff, (where I lived), I had to move out for this and other reasons.  You see he cannot violate his own restraining order, so if she and he showed up when I was there I would get arrested. It makes me sick how biased the law is, and how little loopholes my ex can circumvent and work around he does.  I can honestly say I wish I had never met him.

So positive things in my life:  my job, I love the kids I work with, that alone has built up my self esteem.  I (finally) got up the nerve and opened an Etsy site to sell my knitted and crocheted items. Fingers crossed I do well!  I have some great friends, (who are sick of hearing about how terrible my life is), a wonderful church who supports me and two wonderful daughters who I talk to often and am thankful for their love.  I have come to learn I love to write and am thankful for this blog.  But the fact remains my life is covered with darkness and I am having a hard time finding my way out.  I know there are good things in my life, but the heaviness of what I don’t have makes it hard to see if there is indeed a big picture.  The only picture I see is from the inside of a deep dank hole looking up.  I am doing all I can to overcome this, but it feels so big, bigger than me and often more than I can handle.

I question all the time if I am meant for anything better in my life, especially when it feels so out of control, like it has for as long as it has.  I question my worth, what being kind and nice does for me, and if it matters at all. I question my part in the divorce and how I could have improved how things turned out.  I question why for so long I allowed people close to me to tell me who I was for as long as I did. I question and question and question yet the answers will never come, not like I want.

I am working hard to improve my situation and life in general, even if it doesn’t sound like it.  I am taking what little I have left by the horns and plowing forward.  However I can see why when people are faced with what I have had to face and continue to meet head on, how and why they feel so along and discouraged.  People don’t like or want to deal with negativity, unless of course there is a spin of humor on it or if they mourn their loss, saying they should have done. I get I’m sorry,  but…  This is my life and even I don’t like where it is, but I am not sitting on my ass.  If you talk to me I come across as happy, and don’t seem depressed in the conventional sense of the word, and I am not.  But I am battling for my life to improve and to mean something, I want to feel valued, cared for, loved, and have security even if it is all an allusion, (until I can get on my feet).

I am an average person, I have no great talents, but I have things I do well. However, I don’t think they are something that makes me stand out, even if I would like it if they did.  I struggled for a long time trying to find out who I was, because I had a judgmental upbringing and marriage.  I questioned myself and who I was based on others lack of self esteem.  I do not question myself as much now, but some of those traits still take over and I doubt and I have to tell myself, “that is their projection of who they are”.  I guess what I am asking for and hope you see, is how hard it is to see what others do in me.  How hard it is to see that bigger picture with me in it.  How hard it is to know it will get better and how alone I feel right now.  I am working hard, so hard, and I just need a break.  I, along with my family, all of them need this to stop, need it to stop.  Enough!!

If I sound desperate, I am.  I am tired of all the garbage life has given me.  The way my daughters are torn apart, how hard it is for them.  As I have said before, the divorce isn’t the hard part, at least not for me it wasn’t, it has been the aftermath.  I sit here and wonder, when will it change, if it will ever change, and if it does will it (hopefully) be for the better.  The weight of the world is on my shoulders, but deep love is in my heart.  I take nothing for granted.

On that note, I’d like to ask for you prayers, and good thoughts, for me, my adult and almost adult children.  Somehow it need to get better.  It just has to.

Thank you.

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