How do you write about something you do not feel? I woke from a dream this morning, dreaming of seeing my ex and being angry and filled with hatred at him for having any happiness. Angry at the woman he is with for not seeing who he really is and allowing him to get away with his lies. I told him how stupid she was and dumb for being with him. I thought about the dream, looked up the definition of mercy and wondered how I would ever get to a place I could have mercy.
I was with this person for 25 years and dealt with so much. I feel the betrayal, the pain at being lied to, cheated on and the plethora of other things he has done to me over the years, over and over again. Yes I could have left long ago, but I truly believed he wanted what I did because he said so. I look back at all the pain I suffered because of the things he did and how he behaved. And at the end had the final plot twist not happened I’m sure I would have been in a much better place to show mercy, well start the process.
I know I need to get to a place I can forgive him, but I don’t know how with everything he has done to me over the years. As I think about it I start to get teary-eyed because of the deep hurt I feel and how I was devalued over and over. How does someone so awful deserve any happiness? I know this is wrong to think and feel and at some point I need to let go of my emotional baggage and move on, but I gave this man so much of who I was and in essence allowed him to do what he did to me. It took me a long time to gain enough insight and strength to leave him way too long.
One day we were meeting with his bankruptcy lawyer (he was unable to hold jobs and loved to spend) and I blurted out, do I have to file with him if I have good credit? “No” I was told. Then I said, “well I don’t know if I want to be married to him anymore.” I was in utter shock and disbelief in what had come out of my mouth. I realized I had come to the end of what I could deal with and was willing to deal with. But how do I forgive and come to terms with everything he has done? I don’t believe he had no idea what he was doing or has done. He is a master at manipulation and to be that good you have to work at it.
I do not love him, I do not regret leaving him or giving up what I have, but I do hold deep feelings of anger at what he has gotten away with and continues to get away with that has had an affect on me. Don’t get me wrong, I do not sit here wondering what is going on with him and blaming him for why I am in the place I am. I know I am where I am because of choices I made, and that is on me. But I do resent the actions he took just to make me suffer and hurt me, because he wanted to get back at me, he even told me so.
I sit here trying to figure out how on earth I start the process within me of being able to give him any forgiveness. He is not a good person and does not care who he hurts or what he does as long as he gets what he wants. Even knowing that it is the best thing I can do for myself, and being able to work on it so I can one day forgive him, I don’t know how to start the process, to activate it within me. I do know I am happy he is with the woman he is with. He told me when I told him I wanted a divorce he could not live on his own, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. What he has created, well she has to deal with that, I don’t and that makes me relieved. I looked at him one day at court and realized she is the one who has to deal with him now, not me, and I smiled. But to forgive?
I have been listening to Dharma talks, reading all kinds of books and going to things to help me to move on and forgive. I am working on myself, taking care of my dog, seeing friends and my children and making plans to ensure I am in a good place by empowering myself. But even with all this, the dreams come, the hurt and anger arises and I want him to suffer. I want him to be accountable for what he has done. When I have these dreams I cannot understand why when I want him out of my life on all accounts. I woke this morning and was utterly disappointed in myself. I do not want to hold on to anything that has to do with him because it gives him power over me. The only person who should have power over me is me.
As I close, I am going to knit and listen to a dharma talk and put more effort into healing and mercy and work on moving on.