A Shot of Hope

I went to meditation last night, my mind was all over the place the entire time. Thoughts of every conceivable detrimental phase I’m dealing with played over and over in my mind going from one negative aspect to another. I was wound up and could not clear my mind, so I mulled over the things that were front and center in my thoughts while I tried to push out the harmful feelings.

One reoccurring though I have had is about my values and my way of thinking about relationships with a potential partner. I realized I have been thinking of those type of relationships backwards. I try to hard to present myself in the best light to be accepted and liked, when what I should be doing is seeing if the other person is someone worthy of me as a person. I do not need to worry about it any more than that because it doesn’t matter. Why? Because I could always use more friends I certainly don’t need a relationship if it is anything as awful as my marriage was.

There is and never will be anything that is perfect and for so long I worried I wasn’t and couldn’t live up to being anywhere close to it. (My father expected perfection and let me know I wasn’t any chance he could. He would point out what he didn’t like about me, so often I worried about how I was perceived. My ex was much like my father, but in a different way). I now realize I am perfect in my own way and the parts of me I see as flawed, well some I have let go of and others, I am working on accept the overwhelming feelings that come with working through those fears.

My life is an utter mess and I feel as if it is stagnate and I’m losing ground. I have no home, I was lied about by my ex and daughter and have no contact with my youngest daughter now when originally I was the custodial parent. For most of my marriage I was a stay at home mom and having this happen is just awful. I have a job I love and I am good at, but it doesn’t pay me a livable wage, however the insurance is phenomenal. Oh and my ex wants me to pay him child support.

I am working on bettering myself, really I am, but it feels as if I am going no where fast. Having no place to call home and not knowing where I’ll be or how I will get there, no family to lean on, it makes me worried and scared. Recently I opened an Etsy store to sell my knitting, crocheting and anything else I make after years of being told I would do great at it. I now have the confidence to believe I do but only time will tell if I will sell anything. On top of that I am doing what I can to better myself so I can move forward on other levels. I need to, I can’t live like this, I don’t want to live like this.

I have no nest egg, no means of cushioning myself financially, and I am alone. I no longer have my daughter, I can’t even see her or talk to her, something she devised and wanted. It breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do. I do not have someone paying my way, no sugar momma like my ex. Daily I struggle to accept what is and where I am in life and deal with the unknown.

Truth be told I am not hopeful not after what my ex and daughter did. So I am a nice person who people like, but it won’t get my ex to pay me what he owes me, or help me get up on my own two feet and have a place of my own. I am not benefiting in any way and I can not move forward right now, it sucks. Worst of all it won’t get my daughter back from the games that were played.

I have dealt with enough, I’ve had enough. I need something positive, some glimmer of hope and I need it now.

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