The Difficulty of Living

Momentum, I’m not sure if I actually have any to help propel me forward in positive ways. Goodness knows I do not have many things that are particularly bright or positive for me at present, I keep trying. It’s as if my life has taken on a dank depressing sludgelike feel and I normally am a very happy person.

Don’t get me wrong, there are aspects that are quite good, but overall the overwhelming negativity I’m experiencing makes me feel like I’m drowning with absolutely no hope. I just don’t know what I will do if things get any worse and I consider them pretty awful now.

I’m told everything in life is cyclical and my life won’t always be this difficult or filled with the conundrums I have been unfortunate to go through. It just makes me feel worse. Why? Because I really feel I suffered enough with everything I have had in my life. Of course part of it was due to choices I made, some out of fear and others because I didn’t want to give up. And that old adage where you’ll marry and be taken care of.

I didn’t have self confidence growing up and for a majority of my life. My parents did not build it in me and my father would tell me as often as he could what he found wrong with me. Now close to 50 years old, I am working on moving ahead in ways I should have had confidence to do in my 20’s, but I am doing it.

It makes me sad that I was never treated like I was wanted or loved and I never felt like I was wanted or loved. The normal confidence you should develop I didn’t and would always doubt myself. I received the same kind of treatment by my ex husband. He did so much to me over the years and I believed in him thinking he wanted what I did. I just want him out of my life forever. He is not a good person.

I want my life to take a positive upturn. I’m doing as much as I can to help ensure that can happen but I cannot control anything but me, so that is what I am doing. Moment by moment, it’s all I have to hold on to. I am holding on as tight as I can for fear of how much worse it could get.

I just want my life to feel like it is mine. Like I have some control and say and feel genuinely happy like I did just a few months ago. Getting divorced was the best thing I did, but what my ex did to pay me back… I never imagined someone could be so evil and void of emotion as he appears to be.

I have many many wonderful people who have helped me, and for that I say thank you. But you cannot imagine how difficult it is for me and how I struggle to believe there is something better for me. What if this is as good as it gets? I can’t live like this, it sucks the will to live out of me. Yes life is hard, but it shouldn’t be this hard.

Knowing what you want and need means nothing if you cannot obtain it. I know that and yet I feel so alone because it seems no one is like me. Life is short, my life is half over or I have half left, but I didn’t treat myself as good as I do now and now, I have nothing.

Ok, before I become miserable I’m going to knit until my meditation class. In case you wonder who is this person, look below:)

Thank you, I appreciate you so much!!


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