My mood has been somber and I have felt distant but inside of myself. I have no idea when or even if ever my life will start to feel like a safe place to be. Everything I have had to deal with adds to just one more of the comments it can’t possibly get worse, you have hit rock bottom, it can only go up from here. The atmospheric pressure from the build up of the countless rock bottoms I’ve hit is indeed heavy and hard to allow myself to breathe in the poisonous air. But what choice do I have, I have to make it out past the large circumference of poison to find the clean fresh air that is somewhere beyond the confines I’m tethered to.
I’m trying so hard and yet to break free has proven to be much more difficult than I ever imagined. In some ways there is comfort from the poison of the past, and the future, well it is a big unknown this uncertainty. Don’t get me wrong I’m constantly working and removing the bindings, but the steps forward seem so small and worthless and yes I am apprehensive at what this new direction means for me. Can I accomplish what I set out to do? Am I strong enough and intelligent enough to get what I want?
Thoughts and feelings from my past haunt me and tell me I don’t have what it takes. I have not been listening to them and not focusing on anything they have to say, yet parts of those thoughts creep in and make me question myself. During my entire marriage I was the one who handled everything (I do mean everything) so why I allow any aspects of negativity in makes no sense to me when I am more than capable.
I have opened an Etsy store, fingers crossed I will start to sell items I made. Here are a few of the ones I recently finished and put up for sale, tell me what you think. My Etsy site is Here if you would like to purchase something. If you have an suggestions if he happy to hear any.
I’m also working on a few other things to help myself. I have set the ball rolling with a nice hardy spin propelling it forward. I just hope the momentum picks up and doesn’t slow down. As you can imagine some days are much more difficult and a bit more cumbersome than others, especially when thoughts take over my already difficult life.
That is where my practice of mediation comes in. While it hasn’t quieted my mind (as much as I need) yet, the practice is moving me along in a positive direction. When I notice I have lost focus I redirect myself. The key is I need to notice first!
To help me along and keep my mind occupied I have made the items below, some are knit and some are crochet. Let me know what you think, or better yet visit my Etsy store and buy from me.
I’m planing on adding more items, but right now this is everything I have finished. Stay tuned for more to come:) I’ll have scarf, hats slippers and hopefully some felted items.
Believe it or not the act of knitting and/or crocheting has been deeply therapeutic for me, as I am learning to (try to) balance my personal struggles. It by far hasn’t been easy at all but I don’t have a choice like I would between having a cup of tea or a glass of diet pop. Well I would actually choose a glass of wine, white to be exact. If only life was that easy.
I have other goals I’m working toward and am excited about at the same time I am scared shitless. I’m pretty much leaping into the unknown and hoping it leads me forward like I hope. I really need something positive in my life anything that shows me I matter.