The shut out

I am trying to improve my life and overcome the loss of my youngest daughter, a profound loss. She is still alive but somehow she thinks a slap is child abuse and her father used it to report me and she turned on me, and never wants to see me again. I was always the one who took care of her, was there for her and now I will never be again. Literally 10 days after my divorce he lied and took her from me, and she went along with it.

I thought we had a great mother daughter relationship. I did so much to ensure I listened to her and helped her in any way I could. Yes she knew I did not like her father, but I told her it didn’t matter, she loved him and that is what mattered and I was happy she had a relationship with him. She would talk to me often about how she felt and how grateful she was for everything I did for her and how she ever doubted I loved her.

I used techniques on her I learned and used at work to change how she behaved toward me, thereby changing how she reacted. I could see how much she was improving, how she took care of herself like she should have all along and the joy that genuinely showed on her face from have inner happiness. I did as much as I could to help her and give her the emotional support she needed while encouraging her to grow so she could have heathy relationships with her age group and peers. I worked with her to push beyond her fears never letting her use me as a crutch, but explaining how that feeing was normal. She started to finally have fiends and maintain relationships, she was losing weight and internally happier than I had seen in years. I could see how emotionally stable she was becoming and I was so proud of her.

She had mentioned how worried she was her father would be in her life more because she was worried she would backtrack, and I assured her she would be fine and she could handle it. My belief in her abilities by knowing and seeing how far she had come and seeing the inner strength she now had I really felt she could and would be strong and handle it well

I started to notice changed in her when visitation was underway. I could see something I couldn’t put my finger on happening so I contacted her counselor to add sessions. But it was too late. It was as if overnight what came to be mushroomed out of control and my daughter turned on me.

I became the hated parent (the only one she has ever hated) and she wanted nothing to do with me. I was accused of verbal abuse and was unable to see my daughter and I cannot see her at all for some years).

My thoughts when back to how unstable she was early on in her mental illness. The hallucinations she would have and voices she would hear, the anger she would have and how violent she would get, the suicide attempts walking in on them.

I loved her and I fought for her and would not let her mental health take her from me. I would spend hours telling her she could do it, that she was stronger than what was happening, and to focus on one thing that made her feel she could hold on to. I told her it took a long time to come back to a place that felt healthy, (years even), but one day she would look back and see how much she improved.

I would make her take care of herself, encouraging her to shower more and tell her I would bush her hair. I told her it would make her feel good. After a while she took care of herself without me subtly pushing her and I could see the affect it had on her.

I would push her into peer situations in hopes she would bond with people her own age. That by far was the biggest struggle for her. She could not connect with people her own age and nothing I did to help caused the start of her desire to connect. I know how important this is for her and yet nothing I did helped. I worried so much about her lack of age appropriate relationships.

My entire plan and vision for her was to make it so she could depend on her thought and feelings, speak up and advocate for herself and be internally happy and secure. To trust herself and have confidence to know her mental illness didn’t have her but she controlled it and could overcome it in many ways. I had so much faith in her.

I don’t know how she is and doubt I will ever know again. She has been turned against me and everything I did to help her which no longer matters because I no longer matter to her. She believes I am abusive, from one slap. She sees me as an enemy and a terrible person and probably not even as her mother anymore. I’m sure this change has been encouraged.

I did so much for her and in the end it doesn’t matter because she has cut me out of her life permanently. I am and will always be a no one to her, after all it was she who testified against me. She turned on me and the love I showed her and gave. None of what I did to help her mattered in the end. She shut me out of her life.

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