When you stumble

I have my mediation group tonight. It has helped me overcome many difficult aspects I’ve had to contend with as well as work on myself from a different approach. The act of working on being more aware and present in the moment I am in, and focusing on my breathing while pushing incoming thoughts out is hard. I’ve never been good at slowing down, thinking it through and then acting, but considering how my ex husband lied to get his way and how it hurt me, I have decided to never again give him or anyone else any power over me ever again due to approaching life in that way. I know I am no where close to fully understanding and being present in my practice, but I intend to improve so my quality of life improves too.

I cannot change the lies told about me or who believes them. I cannot change what has happened caused by his lies or dubious actions. In my heart I know the actions that caused what has come to pass all had to do with revenge and money. I was pretty much told that by him. Regardless the damage has been done on so many fronts and I am pretty sure he will make it so I never talk to or see my daughter again. I have to work on accepting that and know mediation’s will help and of course time.

I have been working on myself immensely at the same time I have been attenuating the force of what I have had to handle. I will not give my ex or the daughter who lied any satisfaction or power when it comes to me. They can believe that their lies are truth and are believed, but the vast majority know and see through it, including two of our children.

I’ll be relieved when everything with my ex is finally over, but first he is taking me to court to pay him child support when I make roughly 18,000.00 a year, carry the insurance and have not been reimbursed by him for anything he should have paid me for. Sad I know. When it is finally over I can put him and my daughter behind me in a way I should have done the day this all happened, but have been unable to with it still being present. The problem is when all this garbage keeps coming up (His Drama) I have no choice but to deal with it. I don’t want to deal with it any more, I want to move on. I need to move on and make my life beautiful, full of happiness (which I have normally) and droll.

You see I am a people person and am out going. I am light hearted, love cracking jokes, and finding joy in simple things. I’m a go getter, and can do what ever I put my mind to and work hard to empower myself and improve myself in positive ways. I take the time to show others I care, I help when needed, I’m genuine and do all I can to convey acceptance and openness. I don’t talk behind backs, if I have an issue I’ll come to you and tell you. I’ve gotten better with being tactful and aware and being compassionate.

I have approached everything in my life in genuine positive ways, truly believing this was the only way to be. I feel so let down by life, because I’ve worked hard at being a good person and doing the right thing. I now question why I was when so much was allowed to happen that shouldn’t have been. I’m tired of fighting so hard against the people like my ex’s in this world who are not good people but somehow reap the rewards. They hurt and use people and people want to be accepted my them, I did for years by my ex, but he used me just like everyone else in his life.Change only comes if you yourself change things within yourself. But wanting change isn’t enough, you have to push out of your comfort zone and feel some apprehensive fear and then push past it until you accomplish what you feared you couldn’t. You have to dig deep within and strive to overcome over and over, and not let setbacks stop you. You cannot lean on others and expect them to help, they can walk with you, but only you can do what must be done. That’s were the loneliness comes from your walk amongst others who don’t share your emotional strife.

I have so many people who have been standing with me and have helped me. I am so so grateful and blessed to have the love and support and would never take it for granted what I have been given, even for an instant. Please know how much it means to me that I am valued and cared for as deeply as I am I recognize it. My journey has been difficult but not once have any of you turned your back on me, in fact I feel your presence more and more through my continued perils making sure I know I’m not alone.

It feels hopeless now but one day soon I hope it will change for me. It is my time, and I am reaching for it.

Gratefully,

Ataraxia

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