31472 the Despicable

I’m exhausted. Between the early hours I’m waking up for work and the stress I am contending with I feel like I do not sleep. The truth is I do sleep and quiet enough, but the dubious fact of the matter is my stress is overloading mostly because it normal everyday stress.

My focus ebbs and flows and at times it can be a hinderance to me, especially when I am emotional. I don’t know about you, but when I am in a negative mindset (as in all I can see is negativity) it is hard for me to feel optimistic let alone see the positive aspects of my life. I’m sure there is a long list of positives, but right now the things I would like to have positives in are what is pulling me down. It makes it hard to feel anything but negativity or see hope off in the distance.

I need a week to just sleep and casually go about my life being able to shut out the aspects that are way too harsh and painful to think about. I would like to act for a bit as if my life is in a better place, pretend it is going well. You see, my life is no where where I feel any stability or any resemblance of safety. I feel as if I am just going through my life with no purpose, especially in light of what has transpired with my youngest daughter and her father. Not only does my daughter not want anything to do with me, but she hates me. On top of that I can’t have anything to do with her for two years and I mean I cannot know anything about her. That’s if she will ever want anything to do with me again because of her father’s influence. I really have no idea why she did what she did to me. I wasn’t abusive as she alleges, I hit her once for punching her sister and I’m guessing I should have called the police instead because she used it in court to lie saying I hit her.

I never realized how utterly vindictive her father was until our divorce. He has paid me back for everything that he feels I did to him in retaliatory ways. He made it clear this was his intention, even down to taking away my ability to parent my child, who I did so much for. I did so much for all of them. The worst part of it is she doesn’t care what I did for her or the love I gave her. She would never have any of this to her father, but for some reason she could do it to me, and hates me. It hurts so bad. Yes she she had DCFS called on me but she would recant or it would be proven I didn’t do anything. My ex husband also had DCFS called on him four to five times (once by his girlfriend while we were married) and he has been arrested for battery twice as well as for solicitation once, but I don’t have the records for solicitation

I am just tired of him getting away with manipulating and lying to get his way. I know the judge sided with him but if she had actually looked at the parenting app she would have seen how he harassed me. In addition he has yet to pay me anything. Not one cent in three years.

This was about revenge and money and it is I who is suffering. My daughter doesn’t care and I am heart broken.

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