Searching for Happy.

My life is in some extremely difficult places as of late. Navigating through them has been emotionally charged and trying at times, but with the help of meditation/the Dharma, classes that educate me on domestic violence and what I need to look for, I have found my panacea of sorts. Of course there is no cure-all except to move forward and take what comes to me by the proverbial horns. I know I have various means I can use as remedies, which is comforting.

It has taken me until recently to realize that negative things happen to everyone, and that it is just a natural part of life. I now know I have power over how I handle and choose to feel about what I am experiencing, and that I don’t need to take what I am going through as solely negative in nature, nor do I need to dwell on it. I have other areas of my life I can focus on to help ensure I move as effortlessly through the stress and turmoil, and I have more friends that I ever realized. I would never imagined that I would have all the people who have come forth to support me, supporting me and standing by my side. Every means available to me I have been utilizing and working to ensure I maintain a balance or equilibrium of sorts.

Buddhism states life is painful and when one come to accept death as a natural part of the human process things affect you differently, your outlook changes. There is no other outcome but death as it is finite for all of us, therefore by taking away fearing the inevitable and focus on the here and now, your decision process is made clearer and therefore easier. I can see how this belief makes perfect sense, however the overall process one must go through to come to accept the inevitable, well all I can say is it must be a monumental process. Buddhism came into my life when I desperately needed something to help ground me and change my perspective about so many facets of my current existence. While I am not having a mid-life crisis in the normal sense of the word, I am overcoming metamorphic challenges and changes in my life. Being able to comprehending the full depth of the (many) teachings Buddhism offers, well I have just scratched the surface and I have more clarity from the short amount of time I have embraced Buddhism and worked on understanding their Dharma teachings.

As I walk carefully through the tumultuous struggles I face sometimes I feel hopefully because of the flecks of knowledge Buddhism has opened my eyes to see, my heart to feel and my mind to learn from. The Dharma teachings have caused me to take pause and contemplate their full meaning, as I see it at that specific moment, and the mediative practice has helped me separate myself from my thoughts and quiet my mind. Something I have not been able to do, but know know it is something I must do so I embrace the challenge.

No I cannot change what has come to pass, but I can certainly change how I feel about the experience(s), how I perceive the action(s) and how I let any of it take up space in my mind. Yes my life is precariously laid right now, but I am embracing it and using what I face as a sapient meaningful learning experience. I know the growth I am undergoing far out weights the negative struggles I’m currently maneuvering through and while I wouldn’t wish my struggles on anyone I can see the positive affect on me they have had, in light of everything.

Yes, I do hope for a positive change in my life, but only time will be able to aptly predict if that will come to pass any time in the near future or for that fact, at all. In the meantime, I am putting my nose to the grindstone, embracing what hasn’t killed me (yet,lol) and am pushing forward in hopes life’s pendulum will swing in a positive direction for me. I do not want to just exist, my continued happiness and quality of life means everything to me and I will do whatever I must to ensure I continue to have it in my life.

Life changes in a blink, many times the changes we accept readily, are the ones we want or we see as positive. Much of what I have been through I didn’t see as positive to begin with, but I did see positive end results. I can only hope with time I will look back on this time and see much the same thing. In the mean time, I painstakingly focus on my here and now, and concentrate on what brings me joy and happiness. Yes happy.

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