I woke up tired. Not because I necessarily went to bed late, but more from the fact I have to wake up so early. On the weekend I do not set my alarm and therefor allow myself to wake on my own. Probably not the best course of action, but I love my sleep and therefor indulge myself.
Taking care of myself and putting myself first was an anomaly in the past, my children always came first. When I didn’t have children it was my husband I put first. Up until recently when my ex husband and daughter lied, I had my daughter and made sure her needs were taken care of. I didn’t see the importance of taking time for me when she was my focus. Besides I knew there would come a day when I would no longer have children at home. Never did I think it would have been in the underhanded way it was done, but now my life was forcefully changed, I’m ready to celebrate myself and nurture my needs as a person.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my children with all my heart and would in an instant move heaven and earth to do anything for them. But I am also a person just like they are, regardless if I am there mother. I know because of the fact I am their mother they have a hard time seeing me in any other roll, as a result I also respect that it can be a difficult transition for them. Transitions are a part of life. Some transition are hard to navigate while others come so easily we are virtually unaware we have had one. The transition I undertook, because of actions beyond my control has been a huge benefit for me in ways I would never have imagined, considering how shock I was when it was thrust on me. But as shocking as it was having that transition come about has helped me with other transitions that came about as a result. For the first time in my life I can put myself first and not feel guilty.
I don’t feel guilty, but I do think about what my children may be doing at the time I am making time for myself and I hope they are at peace and happy. My children bring so much joy to me, and now our relationship has transitioned to a new platform of communication. I love talking to the two older ones and hearing about what is going on in their lives. It is such an uplifting feeling knowing I helped foster their independence and strength. We communicate often, talking about the most mundane aspects of their lives to all the in between fluff that by itself wouldn’t have much meaning, but are powerful addendum’s to life.
I listen to them and realize that I am also in a similar place, but with more experience. I am learning who I am and what I want out of my life from this new beginning point. Having had previous experience and now strong confidence in my abilities and who I am as a person, I know I will find fulfillment. I am already a happy person, and find so much joy in the simplicity life gives, but now I can work on my dreams and aspirations and know this is my time with no worry.
I have no idea what my future may hold, but the loss of control that the actions my ex supposedly took from me, well, it was all a facade. No one has control over anything but themselves and I intend on living my life to the fullest as I reach for my dreams. I am ready for this new unwritten chapter and I embrace it with confidence and peace. I am ready to grow and find my “new” place among the world. There isn’t a day that goes by that my children aren’t in my thoughts, but now I can take care of myself at the same time be there for them.I know they love and support me and want the best for me.