With Love

I reflected on my day when I got back home this afternoon, it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining warmly, and it was crisp out.  It was an immensely satisfying and happy day for me, for no other reason than I was content.  I filled my day with meaningful activities that brought a sense of satisfaction to me and added to my happiness.  The people I interacted with and spent time with, are a reward unto themselves.  I know I am more than blessed knowing so many wonderful people and having them in my life.  All the people who I know, (my children, people I work with, and friends),  are indeed the underpinning of my existence, and I am filled with gratitude   because I know they care for me and fill my life with meaning.

My life is not anywhere were I want it or need it to be, however I have no option but to work through where I am, learning and growing and being the best version of myself I can be.  I can tell you this, while I am not satisfied with the place my life is currently at, I do have so much in my life that is good right now and to be proud of.   I am a strong person and I will be where I want to be, but things in life take time, and I am willing to put the work in.

I’m grateful for the outpouring of support and love I have been fortunate enough to receive, from many of you.  My life is better because you are all in it.  Thank you for showing me the meaning of friendship and love and making me feel incredibly cared for.  I have found so much purpose in small things that bring me joy, a smile, a hug, a rub on the back, words of support, words that give me strength, and words of kindness, small ways of showing you support me.

Over the last few years my life, well, it has been crazy.  I thought things would slow to stop after I was divorced.  Boy was I wrong!!! The unethical way things seem to have erupted, as shocking as they are, this was only a small happenstance I have encountered.  Most of the time I was with my ex spouse, our marriage was filled with behaviors he displayed that were filled with drama and negativity.  While this last behavior knocked me off my feet out of shock, it wasn’t surprising with how dirty he fights.  He has always been the type who doesn’t care how he wins, he isn’t beneath using people, or displaying unethical behaviors. He is out to do as much damage as he can so he looks better than the person he is after.  This time it is me he is out to hurt and emotionally cripple. The unfortunate truth is this is how he goes after people, i.e plays.  I don’t see hurting someone in the ways he is trying to hurt me a way of winning.  The only one who is playing his game is him.  My goal is to get to a safe place in life where I don’t have the affects of him anywhere around me.  I just want to live my life, in peace and with him out of my life.

When I saw him last I looked at him and realized the contempt I felt for him and how happy I was he was with the girlfriend he was with.  No longer did I need to deal with how little he cares about life, or the used car salesman way he treats people. I was grateful to be severed from him and his negativity.  It was an uplifting and empowering feeling to know this person has no control or power over me and I am my own person.   What choices he makes regardless if they affect me has no baring on who I am and how I will live my life.  I am most appreciative he is gone from my life.

I have been working on learning everything I can about abuse so I will not make another mistake like the one I did being with my ex.  I have found out much about the different ways an abuser can abuse his victim(s), and had I know what I recently learned, I would not have though my ex would change.  My ex husband used intimidation, emotional abuse, minimizing, denying and blaming, as well as physical abuse.  He liked to imply he was a good guy, but good men do not go around behaving in the ways he did.  I am grateful to the facilitator of this group for giving me a better understanding of what abuse is and what immediate signs to look for in the future when I date.

To give myself some ways of working on stress, I have taken up the practice of meditation.  The mediation got me interested in Buddhism and the Dharma.  There has not been one single Dharma talk that has not had real meaning and an impact on me.  I am drawn to the teachings in such a profound way.  They have opened up my mind and understanding more and made me realize I was not wrong when I would say many of the moral things I did in the past.  The Dharma makes me feel acknowledged and understood in ways I feel validated.  I am a very moral person and the Buddhist teaching are based on how to live your life in a more moral way.  I am grateful to have the opportunity to learn about Buddhism, the meditative practices and hope to grow as a person in as many ways as I can.

As I work on transitioning in some areas of my life right now, I am forever grateful for all the people who continue to surround me with love and support. I know that my life is more enriched with you standing with me and supporting me.  I think of all the ways in which so many of you have helped me and I am in awe over the care you have given me.  I cannot even being to tell you how good that makes me feel knowing you care.  For the first time in my life I genuinely know I am liked, cared for and loved.  No longer am I listening to someone else tell me I am not important, I listen to how you all every day let me know.  Please know everything you do is noticed by me, and it has made me a better person.

I intend on taking the time to really understand and gain meaning and insight from as many people as I can.  I want to grow as an individual and be proud of how I handled the place I am in with grace and perseverance. No one can concur life alone and that is where you have all come in and continue to come in.  I am doing this with you by my side supporting me.  Yes I am doing the work, but so many of you have given me insight, words of wisdom, emotional support and care, and I am forever grateful. I know I can do anything I put my mind to as long as you continue to be there to lean on.  After all it does take a village.

With love Mwah!!!!

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3 thoughts on “With Love

  1. I can’t contain the pride I feel for you. I know you don’t know me, nor I you. However, I do understand completely the struggle you’ve been through and may continue to go through for a time. I’m beyond delighted you have made your way through and found yourself again, and are continuing to do so. Your a brave powerful woman. You are worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. It was by things he did that believe it or not helped. I know that wasn’t his reason for doing what he did! Lol. He wanted to hurt me, but that’s not what happened. I am proud of myself.

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      1. I’m absolutely delighted and thrilled for you. Sincerely. You deserve to feel proud of yourself. It isn’t an easy path. Sometimes healing can come in surprising ways…the attitudes actions and words of those we once loved and we see him and the actions for what they truly are.

        Liked by 1 person

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